Strange Aeons: 90 Days

Retrospective/Summary

About ten months ago I made the decision to pursue the NoFap challenge on Hard Mode for three months (or 90 days, for a nice round number) and now I fulfil this goal, having struggled for years to combat PMO. I really don’t feel like I’ve achieved much at all – I mean, there’s more that I could be doing – but now is not the time for me to play down my success. Many of the problems I had when I first came on NoFap, such as having nothing to do all day, have been solved, and half of the things I outlined in my original “life vision” have come true. I would like to say a few words on how I accomplished this milestone for the benefit of the newcomers and those who keep relapsing.

(My new motto for my NoFap challenge is ABSTAIN – RECOVER – ACHIEVE.)

For those of you who don’t know me, I’ll say a few words of introduction and tell you some of my story. I was born in 1985 in Perth, Western Australia to a Greek father and Anglo-Irish mother. I currently live in Albany, WA. I started masturbating at age 13 and discovered hardcore porn at ages 18-19. I got on NoFap in 2014 under a different username and I recommenced my NoFap challenge last year. I have been on and off hard drugs for about thirteen years and I currently have 40 days of clean time up from my primary drugs of choice (codeine and morphine). I went to jail for seven months last year and two and a half months this year. I am currently studying IT as a formal tertiary course.

So how did I get to 90 days? I will be pleased to disclose my techniques and methodology.

Willpower

Willpower seems to be a dirty word in many recovery-oriented programs, for the reason that it alone cannot guarantee long-term success. But without utilising your willpower, you cannot make those important changes and take those necessary actions to progress from the abstinence phase to the recovery phase. Things like the following:

1. Deleting/discarding your porn collection

This one is obvious. I am stating it for the newcomer and those who still have reservations about taking up the NoFap challenge. Use your willpower right now to get rid of that porn you might have stashed away for a rainy day. You’ve made it to NoFap and have been offered a chance at a better life, so what are you waiting for? Get rid of ALL your porn and get those days clocking up!

2. Minimising technology

This point is a bit harder to define – how much internet usage constitutes a bare minimum is determined by your individual occupations and activities – but you can at least cut back on mindlessly surfing the web. Re-consider installing a porn blocker if you decided it was too much effort or somehow didn’t apply to your own situation. Mobile phones are quite often a threat to your chastity too. I own one without a web browser on it, and I use it only to send texts, make and receive calls, and keep track of appointments. I have gone so far as to smash a computer I was using to look up porn, preferring instead to be offline and porn-free. So, minimise technology.

3. Taking cold showers

Another well-known suggestion, taking cold showers is invaluable in early recovery when cravings are frequent and your brain is adjusting to the absence of those massive surges in dopamine from PMO. If you wake up from a vivid sex dream with a raging erection, jump in the shower and turn it on ice cold full-blast!

4. Avoiding harmful media

Try to do something more constructive than watching TV/movies or playing video games. These things can contain triggers – for example, once I was triggered by watching my female Skyrim character strutting around in her knickers. Additionally, television, movies and video games cannot cure boredom and net you very little results from the time you commit to them. I would advise finding something energetic and mentally taxing (or, challenging) to which you can dedicate the bulk of your spare time. Studying a foreign language, for example, makes you more literate and aware of the world around you. Avoid harmful media that will poison your mind and rob you of your chastity.

5. Practising the “No Arousal Method”

This is something that takes gradual practice. Try not to look at women at all in your first 30 or 60 days of recovery. “Ogling” women and taking lustful glances at them will sabotage your NoFap challenge and trigger you to fantasise, which of course will lead to MO or PMO. Whenever you see an attractive woman, look down at the ground or floor. It takes willpower to train yourself to do this, but it can assuredly be done and it is immensely helpful.

Goal-setting

Goal-setting is a crucial point to your recovery that is easy to overlook, particularly if your goals in life are present but vague. Work out a “grand master plan” that covers every area of your life that you want to improve. Unlike the measures I outlined above, this one requires no willpower, only careful consideration. Where are you going in life? What do you want to achieve? You should think about these things more carefully than robbers planning a bank heist, because your very life is at a turning point here, and success in recovery is more valuable even than millions of dollars. Keep a journal, a to-do list or a monthly schedule (I keep all three) and organise yourself and set your life in order. Set realistic and measurable goals that you will stick to.

Accountability

One of the great benefits of NoFap is that it makes you accountable to a broader community, and if you do not let yourself down, then you invigorate us and make us collectively stronger. Stick around the members who have a lot of clean time and whose advice you can benefit from. Moreover, hold yourself accountable. If you relapse, ask yourself, “Ok, what am I going to do differently?” If you can follow such guidance as I have outlined under “Willpower” and “Goal-setting” then your chances of remaining abstinent will improve. Then you can proceed to ABSTAIN – RECOVER – ACHIEVE. I am holding you accountable; don’t let me down!

Conclusion

Thanks to you, the reader, for doing me the favour of reading this – feel free to post any feedback or comments below. I am hereby extending my goal from 90 days to six months, at which point I will feel more qualified to help the newcomers and habitual relapsers. I started this 90-day streak in jail, which was easier than doing it on the outside for the reason that there was no internet access and only softcore porn available, and yet it was harder than getting “clean” on the outside for the fact that I was trapped in a confined space with nothing much to do except struggle with my own porn- and MO-addicted mind.

I’d like to share a quote from the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, which actually refers to getting clean from drugs but seems to apply equally to getting “clean” from PMO:

“I still suffer with existential angst from time to time, and wonder what we are all doing here on this planet, but I have decided on a purpose, and that makes it easier: I care about people getting clean.” (Another Chance to Live, p223)

 

Thanks @Ajar... I would be happy to keep everyone updated and I now have the six-month mark set squarely in my sights. The drugs have all but faded into the background as new values and priorities take precedence in my life. I am indebted to this thread for giving me the idea of creating a "life vision." I want to see all you guys triumph. If I can achieve 90 days, so can you.

 

Hi A_victory! Thanks for your valuable feedback and for sharing the insight you have gained over the course of your struggle. Those three days are priceless... each one of them counts towards your overall efforts.

I ask you to consider this point: that those 143 days you had before weren't just flushed down the drain when you relapsed; they count towards your lifelong efforts and have added to your character. Therefore you are wiser to what might make you slip up next time. Also, the more effort you put into this struggle, the easier it gets when you hit those big numbers. You have identified the exact nature of what causes so many relapses: it's not depression, it's not "cravings," it's not wet dreams, no... it's COMPLACENCY. As soon as we give up the fight and forget how hard it was in the early days, we put ourselves in danger. So one must always be cautious.

This NoFap challenge is a bit like Hercules fighting the Hydra. It's like for every head of the beast that you cut off, it grows two more, unless you burn the stumps of its necks after cutting off those ugly multiple heads. Having accountability is the way to "burn the (decapitated) necks of the Hydra." If you make a commitment to NoFap, to posting on here regularly and helping others get clean, you make an investment - you take out "insurance" against a possible relapse. That's why accountability is so important; it safeguards us against complacency.

Anyway, it is my pleasure to be able to contribute what I have learned in the course of my hard struggle. Hang in there guys. We are all in this together.

 

"When you consistently focus 100% on building the life you want, your mind will naturally move away from porn. You will also lessen the void left by quitting porn, which is very real.

Many people quit porn only to find themselves in this life emptiness that is very hard to handle. Then they go back to porn precisely because this void is too much for them.

Focusing on your life vision is a superior rebooting approach.

Relapses aren't that discouraging if you're actually improving your life. Ironically, you will notice that the more you focus on what you want, the less frequently you will relapse."

- http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

 

Thanks @FURPY! 45 days, that's highly commendable.

And thanks @imfree131! My gosh, you've almost hit 60 days! Will you write us a Success Story when you do?

By the way, I was wondering about this the other night: how do you know if you've progressed from the abstinence phase to the recovery phase? I think it has to do with your state of mind. Abstinence is easy to measure - you know when you've cut out porn and MO just by taking a look at your day counter. But how do you know when you've cut out sexual fantasy from your conscious mind? (Difficult to monitor) And how do you know when you've removed lust from your subconscious mind? (Even more hard to say, I haven't even scratched the surface yet)

There is always more to be done!

 

You're most welcome. I wish you all the best. I have found that a systematic, methodical approach is what works the best. It's your life and happiness at stake here - don't waste it!

Thanks! I am confident that I can get internet access at home again without the temptation to look at pornography and get those six months clocking up.

All the best guys.

 

Sweet, LMK when you do

 

Thanks @Jodo Kus, you are obviously putting a lot of thought into your own program of recovery, and working out your own personal approach to NoFap, not just accepting every bit of reading material that comes your way. I worry sometimes that I might be giving erroneous advice, but my success story illustrates what worked for me and I feel that this is valuable. I can always revise and update what I post, and add comments to my journals and success stories as needed.

I guess I posted those remarks on cutting off access to porn for those guys who really have no other option, who keep relapsing and want to get a few weeks of clean time up without temptation. This is like "training wheels" or "water wings" for Fapstronauts, and it falls into the category of abstinence. When you progress from abstinence to recovery, you learn that once you have broken the habit in its initial phases, you are capable of surfing the web without constantly thinking of looking up porn. It becomes a discounted possibility that is not even worth considering.

In order to get to this stage, one must bear in mind the horrible consequences of PMO... the drained feeling of having lost your vital fluid, the loss of creativity, and the zombie-like state of mind that it puts you in, and additionally the damage to relationships that it causes.

We do recover, and the energy and consideration that we put into quitting porn for so many days comes back to us when we decide to make additional progress and have another go. I relapsed many times after committing to NoFap and it took me a while to work myself out and develop those firmly-entrenched ideas that you mention. The chief idea that I would like to emphasise is that porn is harmful. It seems obvious, but how quickly we can forget this! Lust is very cunning and it prompts us to gratify it in other ways, once porn is out of the question. I have been looking at girls' Facebook profiles and premeditating a sexual liaison with my female housemate. Both of these things are detrimental to my recovery.

I want to spend the next few months just working on myself and making sure that porn is a thing of the past. Next up: Meditation and deep breathing. It's not enough simply to conserve the sexual energy, it must be transmuted. More on this later.

We all have to put a tremendous effort into abstaining, recovering and achieving, but once the hard work is done, it gets easier and we can share our ideas with everyone else. Best of luck with your own challenge, and my best wishes for your relationship with your significant other. I'll post on your journal shortly.