I am so proud of myself!

One of the things that's worked for me has been browsing the Relationship forum, reading the experiences of SOs, and just absorbing that pain and realizing that this is the kind of stuff I've been doing. It's ripped the blinkers from my eyes a bit and made me very determined not to go back to my old ways. I just couldn't see how much pain I was causing, and now I have some small understanding. I don't know if that will work for him, but those are the kinds of letters that I was thinking of. I don't think it'd make him feel in control, but I'm not him - maybe @Meshuga's more like him than I am. I know that other people browse the other parts of NoFap and find strength there, but the Relationship forum is what helps me.

If you (as a Fapstronaut) find strength from other parts of the forums, maybe suggest something to @Arkansasdaisy based on how you get your strength, and what works for you? If that's even understandable at all. Something's got to work, right? What brings you to your senses?

 

No, I get motivation from Relationships too, but from what Daisy has said, he's just blowing her off as one of those harpies who doesn't understand how a man has rights to flog his own tallywhacker. He thinks she's being unreasonable, not him. So far his response to her complaints has been, "your problem, not mine."

Seriously, every other guy I've seen on the forums has responded to being found out, or PIED. Daisy knows, he doesn't care. He can't get it up, he says it's her fault. The only thing that has elicited a reaction was when he came home and she wasn't there, and all that resulted in was some empty platitudes and an accusation that she was cheating. She's already told him, multiple times, how much he's hurting her and he still doesn't give a long brown one.

Forget his rock bottom. Where's yours?

 

Not at all. It serves as a lesson.

 

I really feel your pain Daisy. I can relate to almost everything you have posted. My best advice is just to do everything that you can to take care of yourself. Get that job and stash some cash for security. Treat yourself well. Get on that treadmill (I do an hour every day and for that hour, my brain feels incredible relief and I feel better afterward). Eat well and try to get as much sleep as you can. Give yourself a treat now and then - a massage is my stress relief.

Try writing him a letter telling him everything you have said here. Be brutally honest. List everything you have given up to be with him. Tell him specific ways that he has hurt you. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you deserve his respect and that you have done NOTHING wrong. Tell him that you will support him if he tries to get help for his addiction but that you want no part of his current life with porn. His current habit leaves nothing left for you and you are worth more than that. For me, angry confrontation and belittling behavior is not the answer. My SO is already so buried under guilt and shame that it would just sink him. And if you can lay out your boundaries for continuing the relationship and let him know your expectations, then HE has to make a choice. If you do that though, you have to be prepared to follow through with leaving if he refuses to change. If he does desire to change, put safeguards in place to help him avoid his habit and make sure he knows that you will be checking. In that event, you will have to be prepared for a long, bumpy ride.

Unfortunately, I have learned through experience that addicts can't want to change for anyone else, they have to want to do it for themselves for it to truly work. Maybe help him to understand how he is shortchanging himself in his day to day life by engaging in his addiction. It is obviously affecting his relationship with you, but is it affecting his other relationships? How about his work? Point that out to him and just let him know that you want him to be his best self, not for you, but for him. You want him to be safe and healthy.

Best of luck to you.

 

In my opinion, there's absolutely nothing else you can do for your husband. You've taken all the right steps and been incredibly patient, as you mentioned maybe too patient. If he is going to change, he has to make that choice, but in my opinion, all the advice about different things you can try is useless at this point. I would honestly say it's no longer your responsibility and you need to, as you said, focus on yourself and your son. If I were you, I would absolutely be getting a divorce (and just to be clear, I'm very against divorce, so I don't say that lightly or flippantly at all), but of course I'm not you and I don't necessarily know what's best for you.

As much as I somewhat agree with the whole notion of kind of "punishing him" for his problems, that will not make anything better and it will only make you feel worse and bitter. He still won't change, honestly he might go even further down a bad path out of anger, so all it will do is change you, not him. You can still choose to be happy and healthy and a kind person, regardless of his actions. So I would say, if it came down to a choice between staying and making his life hell, or leaving and making your life happier, choose the latter.

As far as I can see, as a third party looking in, you've more than done your duty as a wife and friend, and should you choose to leave him, you shouldn't feel any guilt over the matter.

 

I didn't read the whole story, but I just want to give you an higher prospective of your situation.
Let it go. Stop check if he's watching porn. There are some laws in the universe, and one of them is that if you focus on force a change in somebody behavior you will receive exactly the opposite result: he will keep or even strength his behavior.
Because your are breaking the law of free will.
I know you are not intentionally breaking it, but you do if you act and think like this.
I'm not judging you.
Give it a try. Simply accept the situation, as better as you can, and stop giving energy to any thoughts about what is doing and what you would have him to do.
I can't assure you any granted results, but if you saddendly, without even giving him a reason, stop care about him and his problems (and possibly leave him alone for sometime) you are actually increasing a lot, really a lot, the chances to make him meditate about his whole life.

Blessings

 

Wise words and good advice!

 

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jesus, that made me laugh. I must admit this has been a very entertaining read. Heres my advice you want to make feel stronger feelings than what he does when he masturbates. The desire to stop has to be greater than the desire to keep going after all. I really like the sex toy idea, keep doing that. Try to do it around him especially after he fails to get hard (I would shoot myself if this happened to me). Try to make him feel humiliated (but not too much cuz that can destroy a man) and shame. Lastly, you using a sex toy, especially one for penetration, is mimicking an act that he used to be able to do but now cant. That will show him there is something wrong with him overtime

Also, stop nagging him about it. Like completely! He has to want to be able to have sex with you. You have to make him angry and motivated not annoyed and depressed

 

I hate to break it to you, but that was probably the final straw: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/dissolution-of-marriage.76041/

 

uh probably not. I guess we shall see

 

I know your focus right now is very much boiled down to whether he is using porn or not. And that is a good indicator of where he's at on the inside. I won't argue that. I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned about that either. One thing to note here though and not lose site of, is that porn and sex addiction, in my opinion, are really all about intimacy disorders. We are all wired for intimacy and connection with other people. Studies have been done showing how babies need that and human contact to survive. The problem comes when we don't get enough of that in our childhood, or it's not modeled for us how to go about getting that intimacy and connection or perhaps there is trauma and wounding that has caused us to feel like people aren't safe enough to fulfill that need we have. Enter P and M. Now we have a quick fix coping mechanism of trying to fill that need ourselves. It feels safer than risking being vulnerable with another person. We can get that fix anytime we want and on our terms. That doesn't change the fact that if we try to numb the pain of our past with porn, sex, work, alcohol or drugs and do that enough that we can become addicted to acting out in those unhealthy ways.

Sex addiction and porn addiction many times though have their roots and got their starts as a result of unhealed underlying issues, concerns or trauma from the past. In my life, porn use was a symptom of the underlying issue of lack of intimacy/connection and not being shown how to get that with other people that lead to addiction as a result of my dealing with that issue in healthy appropriate ways. The key to breaking the addiction for me was to figure out what the underlying things were that needed to be addressed in more appropriate and healthy ways so that I could learn to not turn to porn numb out as I had done for almost 35 years. Once I was able to dig down to the root causes and work at healing those wounds from my past (with the help of a great counselor), than I could break the cycle and as a result I naturally had less of a desire for P and M because I was getting those needs met in appropriate ways through healthy connections with other people and building intimacy with those people.

I say all of that as a reminder that while you are right to be focused on his porn use, if you are truly wanting him to recover and be more healthy as a person, don't lose sight of the fact that there are probably old wounds that he needs to identify and work at healing in order for the P and M to stop being used as a self medicating or coping mechanism. I like to use this analogy, if you get a cold, you'll have the symptoms of a runny nose and cough. Focusing all your efforts on what kinds of tissues to buy or which cough drops you need misses the mark. You need to get at healing the underlying cold and then the nose will stop running and the sore throat will go away.

Great article on the basics of sex addiction and how there are underlying and root issues that we sexualize and put porn and masturbation on top of to try to address which can lead to addiction and host of other problems from the addiction: http://www.mymensgroup.net/uploads/7/8/1/1/78111116/sex_addiction_-_the_basics.pdf

 

Just saw your post on the other thread. I'm so sorry to hear where things have come to. I want you to know that we are all here for you and support you. I think you are making the right decision for your own wellbeing and protection. This problem is his problem, not yours. You can't fix it for him and neither should you. What he is saying and the way he is responding is all the addiction talking. I hope for his sake, as I mentioned in the post above, that he can hit a rock bottom point that is the jolt he needs to begin to look at the wounds of his past and start healing them instead of trying to cover them up with P and M that has lead to this addiction.