I am so proud of myself!

I'm so glad you didn't come back right away, now it's his move. Enjoy yourself and take a glimpse of how wonderful life can be when you're not forced into co-addiction. You don't have to write novels, but I think I can speak for everyone on this thread that we would love to see a life sign from time to time.

Take care!

 

Stay strong! Hang in there. I second everything that has been said. You did the right thing. That took real courage. I'm sure you are dealing with a lot of fear right of the unknown or what comes next, etc. Use this community as a support network to lean on during this new season. That's why we are here. If you don't have people you can call, be vulnerable and reach out to someone on here that you feel could be a help to you. It's likely you will be filled with self-doubt about the decision and have second thoughts. Don't give in. Rest in the words and truth from those on here that have experience in these situations.

Remember these 3 simple rules for life and that apply to your situation:
1. If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it.
2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.
3. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.

 

Dont know what to say other than you are not alone on this journey. Many caring people on here are rooting for you. Keep in touch.

 

Just checking in to see how you are doing and if you are remaining strong during this difficult season. Hope all is well with you!

 

Beauty, please don't ever let some idiot man make you feel stupid for being forgiving and hopeful and caring and loving and wishing for the best. Those are all incredibly beautiful qualities, not stupid ones, and he is taking advantage of your loving heart. You are not stupid, HE'S stupid.

 

I don't know what to say. I am so so sorry. I guess that pretty much is the final nail in his coffin. Hang in there.

 

I'm sorry everything turned out the way it did. He was lucky that you gave him another chance and HE blew it! For a moment you had HOPE that things would get better. That is not stupid. You took a risk to save your marriage... that is not stupid... that's BRAVERY. And now you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU. You have tried to be patient and understanding but he continues to live in a bubble of delusion. Be angry, frustrated, and sad but don't hate yourself for displaying GOOD and BEAUTIFUL qualities. Rest tonight in peace knowing you did everything you could to save the situation. Too bad he couldn't man up and get himself some help.

 

Hah! Drawing out all the old classics, is he? I did the same before I knew better... what's that thing about casting the first stone? I think it was meant for us addicts! But if I were you, these are the kinds of things that I'd be saying...

"Your time for recovery starts now. Change will take months or years. There will be relapses. But a whole afternoon of porn-surfing is not a 'relapse', it is deliberate. Going somewhere where you know you are likely to PMO is deliberate. Sinking into any of those old routines is deliberate. When you relapse, I expect you to learn from it, and I expect you to tell me, and I expect you to tell me exactly what you are going to do so that you never relapse in that way again. As long as I see progress, you'll be fine. And if I do not see progress, you will have seen the last of me."

"Damn straight I am. When you can't hold out for even 24 hours, you need someone to police you. I'm here to support you, and right now, that means being the police. When you show me you can change, the policing will start to decrease. If you don't like it, make a change, and show me that you're worth trusting again."

"Everyone has lines in the sand. It's time for you to accept that this is one of the lines that I'm drawing. I'm not willing to put up with this BS any more. I expect more from you, and I will get it or I will go. The only question is whether you can be the man that I married and that I thought you could be. Can you?"

"But even if it is true, it's clearly out of control with you. No, I don't care whether you think it's out of control. I think it's out of control, and you had better remember that it is my opinion that counts, because I'm the one who is sick of dealing with this BS. And if my opinion counts for so little, you don't have to worry - just tell me, and I'll leave you to wank yourself into a coma for the rest of your sad, pitiful, lonely life."

"And at least you are not a murderer. So? You want me to be impressed because you are not the lowest of the lowlife scum? I expect my husband to be the man I married - the best of the best. Not someone who is out trawling for street whores! If you want sex, here I am. Please do not be so low as to throw our marriage away for something as stupid as a casual fling!"

"I know exactly what you're doing. Don't lie to me - it will just come back to haunt you. If you want, we can go through the data right now. But before we do, remember that there are only so many times that you can say 'I was compulsively watching Netflix in the middle of the day' before it starts to sound stupid even to you."

"So are women. We have eyes too. So are other men. But not everybody takes hours out of their day to surf porn. You have a problem, and other people don't. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you can begin to fix it, and the sooner that we can fix our marriage together."

... and now I almost want you to pull out more of his excuses ...!

 

Believe it or not, for someone caught in the throes of addiction, not doing it for 24 hours is an incredibly difficult thing.

He is using a lot of lame excuses, which means he's had time to think of them. Means he's suspected something was wrong, but has rationalized. He needs time and pressure to learn how to quit, imo.

 

While it is difficult for an addict to make changes literally overnight, you can't run out the door while you wife is begging you to stay. There is no clearer message that says I love porn more than I love you. He should have been counting his lucky stars to get another chance and he should have white knuckled it a little longer than a few hours. A man that deep in the thoes of this addiction needs a harder rock bottom moment. And she isn't required to wait around for it to happen. Unfortunately it won't save his marriage. That ship just sailed.

 

Yes, it's true relapses can be expected. And it is a very difficult fight, otherwise it wouldnt be an addiction. This sounds different to me. He didn't apologize and show regret when he was caught, he pulled out all the same BS excuses. Did he mean his promises when he said them and then he crumbled? Or did he just intend to "hide it better?" We can't know for sure but I think I have a good guess.

@Arkansasdaisy, you staying and working until you have some money is one option, yes. Which you chose is up to you. Did you read the three articles I gave you a link for? I also highly recommend you listen to the you tube video. Although both the article and webinar are slanted toward staying, I think you can get very good information from both about setting boundaries. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I was just taking this as an indication for a turnaround, but maybe I'm naive. In the long term it's deeds, not words. If he gets help and starts educating himself, installs porn blockers and starts discussing it openly, and registers, gets a tracker and a journal, that makes me more tolerant of reset/relapse. If he's just placating Daisy, that's not cool.

 

I hope that you are doing the fitness stuff for yourself and not for your husband. Always remember that this is not your fault. I have followed your story from the beginning, and it makes me so sad that HE is judging YOU for his clearly visible PIED! And I am saying this as a man.
I wish you all the best!

 

I give you props. I don't think I could be so quiet about him using and then blaming you for his PIED. I would've put the data report in his face and screamed that he caused his PIED. I would also calmly state "it's porn induced" Everytime time something like that happens (when I am not furious in the moment). You have more self control than me.

I am sorry your are dealing with such damaging denial. Only you can decide what to do. Don't listen to anyone else about whether to leave or stick it out. That's a decision only you can make. No one else is in your position. I do hope he hits his bottom very soon, for your sake.

 

Thank you so much for giving that update, and I can only guess how desperate you are right now. The addiction screws with our ability to make intelligent, informed decisions, and makes us an expert in moving the spotlight away from us. There's no way in telling when he will eventually reach rock bottom, but you being available for his sexual advances probably doesn't help in speeding up the matter. Usually a manifestation of severe PIED is the rock-bottom point for many addicts, but if indulging in his habit doesn't cause any other inconvenience at all for him, he will probably never stop. But good job staying calm, good job taking care of yourself. Insist on the line you drew in the sand, and try not to police him. Did you allow him to watch porn at home so he won't risk his job any further? Is he still sharing a bedroom with you?

 

My 2 cents:

He's too deep in his addiction to see the impact on you.

He's able to say to himself I can get off on P, so nothing wrong with me.