launching

Hey, I'm not really ready to fully introduce myself, but I'm forcing myself to post something as a commitment to the process, and also to put my counter on public display. My biggest stumbling block in the past has been a lack of support and accountability. I know my starting goal is pretty ambitious, but last year in my first attempt, I made 110 days without M, a few months with no P at all and 6 months without problematic P (more on that another time (maybe)), before relapsing for the last 8 and a half months.

 

Thanks, Jakob. Urges are very strong this morning (mornings are usually my worst times) but I came here instead. After reading some here and at YBOP, I'm ready to put away the computer and start living my day about 1.5-2 hours earlier than usual.

 

Not ready to start a journal, so just checking in here again. Still on track.

 

Still succeeding, but life is throwing some pretty strong triggers at me. Went to an all day concert yesterday which, unfortunately, the wife couldn't attend. I saw several girls who until a few days ago would have become fantasy fodder for fapping today. Also learned a secret about a girl I know which would have served as fap fuel. My wife has an appointment and so left the house early as if it was a work day, leaving me with the kids asleep in the morning: my most vulnerable time. Had a strong urge to M, so I got the laptop to come here instead. As soon as it booted and I was looking at the screen with the browser icon, the M urge was joined by a strong urge for P as well. Those addiction neural pathways are screaming to fed. I'm hanging on, but it's getting harder at this stage.

 

I could so easily forgive myself if I relapsed today. My emotional state is shit. Maybe it was foolish to start this process right before the date my wife has an annual emotional crash. Feeling emotionally neglected by several people is part of why I'd had such a long relapse, and now I'm supposed to be her support right after stopping the one thing that numbed my pain. So of course, I fucked it up like I do every year and it ended up in the usual fight. (I'm not sure her expectations are really fair, either.) The roots of this issue long predate my addiction and, in fact, even contribute to it. Now my addiction makes it hard for me to be the strength she needs. And her lack of support for my struggle makes it absurdly hard to break the cycle. But I'm still trying. I guess it's fortunate that I'll be busy today.
This is turning into a journal and maybe I should start posting in the journal section, but I feel like a journal should start with a proper introduction and I'm not quite ready to write that yet.