At the blatant self-evident risk of being incredibly redundant on this forum, I, too, have these fantasies of being in a woman's position (both while watching P and in regular life), but I'm not sure if they are entirely purely fantasies. I've gone back and forth wondering if maybe I am transgendered. Maybe I've actually got something in my brain telling me I'm a woman, and I act it out sexually because it's private and easy. Or maybe not and the whole transgender thing is some big cult. I don't know. I have never gone to therapy mainly because of the fear that if I go they'll tell me that I am in fact transgendered and I'll have this big decision looming over my head (or the opposite, and then I'm even more lost..). I suppose it's similar to not going to the doctor for fear of the result. But I also have never gone because every time I gear myself up to go, I feel "cured" of these ideas. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "OK, I can be a man." I'll be fine! But then I relapse. I find myself again fantasizing about being a woman or being submissive in general. I watch the harmful stuff. It escalates. The usual stuff that I'm sure everyone goes through until reaching the point where I'm doing online searches for how to stop porn and making an account on nofap. My problem is not with P. I actually enjoy P. I don't want to say it's a hobby, but I do find it entertaining, and I really would be sad to say goodbye to it. Maybe it's like television, I don't know, but I've grown a passion for it. Of course, I do see the negative sides as I am very much abusing it. I see my main problem as fetishizing my own body. More often than not, I find myself looking at myself longingly. Wishing I looked a certain way -- not for social reasons or for any inner peace, but mainly for sexual reasons. I find myself looking at women and wanting to look like them. I PMO to recordings of myself masturbating either dressed or not but using toys on myself. I get off on fantasizing about myself in these types of situations. If I am ever with a man, I can only enjoy it if there's a mirror and I'm watching myself. About me: -I have a girlfriend. I enjoy our life and our sex life very much. -I have a good career, and I'm quite busy in Hollywood. I don't consider the problem strictly self-esteem rooted. -I work from home 99% of the time, so it's kind of difficult. -I have already explored my sexuality ad nauseum in the past. Bathhouses, craigslist, group parties, dressed, not dressed, camming online for money, apps, men, women, everything in between. I guess I identify as straight in my normal life or bisexual I guess.. not really into the labeling, but I constantly fantasize about being with men. When I act on it, I decide I only enjoy being a man and having sex with women. But again it comes back in a circle. -I have no cultural stigma for LGBTQ. I am an avid supporter of LGBTQ rights and embrace everyone openly. I don't consider myself homophobic, but perhaps maybe I really am deep down. Who knows. -I used to do weightlifting a lot. When I'm in super good shape, I feel like a man because I look like a man, sure, but sometimes I regret all the bulk and fantasize about being small like a girl. I lose it all by not working out at all (as a result of something like a recent car accident or getting violently sick in Peru), and then I start to think maybe all I need is the testosterone boost from lifting weights. Obviously not, but I've already tried it. -I mostly do my PMO when I'm bored or stuck in a project. -Not trying to be full of myself, but I would say most people would consider me very pretty (I am Asian) or at least highly desirable. I could be a girl if I REALLY wanted. Well, not my body... I'm getting older, and I went through a kind of second puberty recently... (I'm 26) All I want to do is quit the back and forth. I want to clear my mind and reset it. I know I've had a porn addiction for like the past 10-15 years, and I know it's gotten out of hand. I need to take control of my life because it's eating up a LOT of time. I mean it's 5:31am right now as I'm writing this. Why am I up? It's because I just did the deed and realized it's the third time in the past 12 hours. I feel so tired all the time. I'm not as productive as I let myself believe. Obviously a therapist would help. BUT for now, I'm trying this nofap dealio that I've tried a million times in the past. I don't expect anyone to read everything or anything I wrote because it's a lot. Just wanted to get my thoughts out there to get started since it's March 2 now and I failed March 1 on my own. /essay
If you were born with a penis your a man. And BTW having long hair/a wig, wearing a dress and being dominated and penetrated is not what makes someone a women. Perhaps you have a natural desire to express your gender differently then what our society has decided is appropriate for your sex. If so that's fine you should do it and feel good about it, but it sounds like there is something else going on. You are obviously dealing with years of porn and sex addiction and the underlying emotional issues. You need to address those issues before you will be able to think clearly about your gender identity. What is your plan for getting free of your PMO addiction?
Thank you for the response. Though I do kind of resent the "born with a penis" bit as it is ignorant of where we are in modern day sexuality, I do believe there are other things going on with me. At one point I did feel a schism in my psyche ie. whenever I looked in a mirror, and I feel I would have been more believably gender dysphoria-ed. Then, it was more than just about sex. I still sometimes get those feelings where I do want to be perceived and viewed as female, but the feelings are much more secondary to the sexual fantasies now. Currently, perhaps my hormones or something are working differently. I don't know exactly. Or I was somehow brainwashed by all the porn. If that's the case, and I am hoping it is, then this nofap business will help me for sure. My plan is to stay active on this forum, track my habits, keep my mind alert and conscious at all times of the things I am thinking of as best as I can. I am sure I will start slipping, and I'm hoping at least having some physical evidence in writing here will keep me at bay. I am shooting for complete cold turkey for as long as I can, and only MO to no porn and clear images in my mind. Sex with girlfriend will take much more priority to masturbation.
I can relate to you mate, and I myself have always had a pretty face/masculine body. However, let's be honest most women do not want to be treated the way we see this small number of women treated in porn in gangbangs etc. Just because it is a woman and we identify with it doesn't mean it is something 'feminine', as in reality most women want a monogamous romantic relationship with one man and to have normal intimate sex. There is a degree of kink in everyone and granted some women love this stuff but I think the vast majority of women are not into this really depraved sex we identify with in porn. My theory now is that we see a woman getting so much attention/pleasure in these videos that our brain starts to tell us that it could be us and we could have that same level of pleasure if we just feminise ourselves and become like a woman. We all know however that this is not the case and acting out these fantasies just seems to leave most guys disappointed and feeling ashamed. I don't think it is gender related but something much deeper because what we're craving is humiliation and a form of violent sex without any love etc.
It's sad that what "modern day" does is reduce what being female means down to how a group of men fantasize sexually how they want it to be, and amazingly people don't find this bigoted and stereotyping. It blows my mind. If any other group, pick any other one (black, gay, whatever) was defined in this way, people would howl in horror and rage. Can you imagine a group of men saying "I sexually feel African American"? and "I wank to myself with my skin darkened while wearing an afro wig"? People would come unglued. This isn't a bust on you, woolfvirginia. I just plainly don't understand how we are in 2017 and stereotypes of what female means is probably worse than it's ever been. I hope you sort yourself out and find happiness. I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you Cax. It seems a majority of men who think they are or want to be women, have no idea about what it actually means. They are playing on gender stereotypes and porn sick fantasy. Science doesn't support the idea of gendered brains https://www.newscientist.com/articl...eres-no-such-thing-as-a-male-or-female-brain/ http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2015/11/brains-men-and-women-aren-t-really-different-study-finds and there is no such thing as "feeling like a woman" if you aren't in fact a woman. My feelings of being a woman are based on the fact that I have been treated by society as one since I was born. I have used my female body to bear and feed children. It slays me that it is always "I want to be dominated" "I like feeling small and dainty". Why isn't it ever, "I want the extra work and risk to my health that comes with bearing children." " I want to do the lion's share of emotion and unpaid labor in the home." "I want to be taken less seriously and be less likely to get the promotion at work". If you weren't born with a vagina, you aren't a woman, no matter how big of a boner the idea gives you. That being said. I do believe gender roles are crap and that if men want to wear make- up and embrace the social trappings of femininity, they should. But it is regressive and sexist AF to say that because they enjoy preforming femininity that it some how makes them actually women.
@woolfvirginia My comment isn't meant as a knock to you personally, just responding to Cox's comment.
Don't want to get into an argument on this thread, but there's a difference between "man/woman" and "male/female." Sexuality is fluid, and gender is a completely different thing. Being transgendered is not about being female. I understand my post makes it seem like I'm some hypersexual person fetishizing the gender, and maybe I am, sure, but there's more to it than that. I certainly don't amount being a woman into being sexual. There are great women doing great things, and they go beyond "traditional" female roles. It just so happens that maybe someone like me tends to gravitate towards the one aspect of being a woman that is private enough to not be stigmatized. How much of my American culture affects me? Or my Korean culture? Now if you're comparing to other groups.. let's say what happens if a black kid grows up in Korea, completely isolated from other people looking like him? Would he hunger to find his cultural roots or would he crave so badly to blend in with his only known culture? Depends on the person. Just like everything else. But of course, we're not talking about the color of your skin. We're talking about a mental state of being.
There was a time I so desperately craved bearing children. I would get very depressed knowing I would never do so. As a minority in the entertainment industry, I don't get the same respect as "white" people. I get the job thing, believe me.
I have a theory. The last fetish I had before my current nofap run was watching female orgasms in slow motion. Perhaps my intense, marijuana fueled edging marathons got me identifying with those gals in someway. That and the fact that I've been spilling my seed daily for the past year has had me feeling really impotent and submissive. Marijuana is probably a key culprit as it can really get you thinking about/experiencing things on a deeper level.
