Crushing on my psychologist

My emotions have been a total mess recently. It all started back in april 2016. I was starting to fall behind in my studies again. I had frequent nightmares which made me too tired to go to school. This in turn made me fall behind socially. I PMOed like crazy again. Started searching the deep web for ways to mentally harm myself.

I was developing some kind of morbid curiosity and figured out that everything a man could possible do was also hiding in some hidden, dark corner of my own mind. I started hallucinating. I was hearing voices whispering my name. I saw ghosts staring at me in the woods. Every time I closed my eyes at night I could feel them. Snakes where rubbing against my skin. Bugs where crawling all over my body. I was bleeding from the bit marks. I was traveling down a dark road.

I searched up videos of real suicides. Cannibalism. Necrophilia. torture. Murders. I started feeling like I was about to turn insane and I liked it. I started looking for social networks where I could get into the minds of sociopaths. I found threads where people where bragging about their victims and I knew they spoke the truth. It was seriously sick but the more I found out, the more I got used to it. I started playing with the thought of harming myself or others for pleasure. I walked deep into the woods on my own, just to feel fear. It made me feel alive. I was lurking around at the graveyards at night. Taking pictures.

At some point I went too far. I thought that I was immune to fear. I pushed my limits all the time. One night my hallucinations suddenly became a little too real. Up until that point I had always managed to look at my hallucinations as something made up in my mind. Deep within I knew that they where not real.

One night I had an experience which I could not explain with logic anymore. I always had ways to double check my hallucinations. To reveal them as simply a trick from my brain.

The clock was about 3 am. I was tired. Suddenly I got shivers and goose pimples. A familiar feeling was emerging. I was feeling that someone was watching me from across the room. I started freezing. My cat ran off. I found that a little odd. I was feeling uncomfortable. The painting in the living room started looking alien and insane. The thermometer shoved a several degree drop. Then I saw it.

An alien entity standing there in front of me. I was convinced. I wasn't hallucinating anymore. It wanted to communicate with me. A ghost. A lost soul. Maybe a spirit. It had evil intentions. I could feel pure fear radiating from it. I lost control. I could feel that this was it. I was turning completely insane. I could not tell what was real or not anymore. I didn't even know if I was dreaming or awake. In the days that followed I had corpses under my bed talking to me. Aggressive voices telling me to finish myself off. I could not stand it anymore.

I reached for the pill box. At first I took 5 valium to calm my nerves. Then another 5. Then I reached for the wine bottle. Then for the sleeping pills. Then I decided to end the pain. I emptied the entire box of 50 pills, reached for the liquor. A voice deep inside of me whispered that I needed help. I entered the number to the emergency services and passed out.

A few days later I came to my senses. I was locked up in the emergency psychiatric unit with life guards. I was desperate. I tried to run trough the walls. I tried to hang myself in my blanket. I tried to cut myself with a butter knife. A week or so forward and I got transferred to the day care unit where I could receive therapy.

I started talking to a psychologist, Anna. I was at a decent NoFap streak when I met her for some reason. NoFap had literally become more important to me than breathing. I met her about four weeks ago.

I had totally lost all hope in life. I thought she was really pretty when I first saw her. I did not think much about it at first. Didn't really care. She had a really calm voice. Nice makeup. White teeth. She seemed confident. Her age was hard to tell. Somewhere between 25-35.

At first I just answered basic, superficial questions about myself. I didn't feel comfortable with her. She started digging more and more and as the days went by I started opening a little more up to her. Suddenly I told her a little too much. In a brief moment I lost control over my emotions and a small tear ran down my chin. No girl had ever seen me crying. She asked me what happened. I could not really tell.

She asked me if I was afraid of my emotions. What would happen if I lost control? I didn't dare thinking about that. I stopped talking to her. She made a note.

The days went by and I was talking with her on a daily basis. I started to notice more details about her. The way she walks is really attractive. She smiles, and seem to find some of my stories a little funny. One day she asked me if it was okay if she touched me. She went behind me and pressed both my arms to my body and started to perform a breathing exercise. She asked me if I started to feel a little better. I didn't the first time but after a few times I noticed that I was feeling a little calmer.

I thought she was attractive, but I did not really think much about it. One day when I was talking about some sad story of my life I got a little surprised. She had been very professional the entire life, but when I mentioned how I would like to harm myself in detail she gasped for air. She was tearing up. It was something I said that touched a nerve. Was it possible that she actually....cared for me? This left me a little puzzled. I went to sleep and met her again the next day.

I felt a little more relaxed around her now. She was human after all. I started telling her more. I told her about stuff I haven't even shared with my mother. Then I went too far again. I was feeling sad. I wanted to die. I told her exactly how I was feeling. I started crying, then sobbing. I lost totally control. Then all my emotions came rushing. I got overwhelmed. The fact that I was showing emotions made me panic. I felt weak. No one was supposed to see me like this. I had trouble breathing. I lost the feeling in my arms and legs. They went numb. The emotions grew so strong that I lost consciousness.

I woke up in my bed. Next to me was my psychologist. She was holding my arm to comfort me. I was hyperventilating and my shirt was completely wet from my tears. She told me to breathe. I opened my eyes and she looked a little concerned. It took her about 15 minutes to calm me down from there. No girl had ever seen me like this. I felt like she suddenly knew me.

I was about 45 days clean from PMO at this point. I found out a little later that her touches and comforting had made me a little aroused and caused me to cum a little. I was confused. The next day I was feeling pretty bad still but she seemed happy to see me. She smiled and asked me how I was feeling. I told her that I was feeling pretty bad. She asked me if I was having suicidal thoughts. I said "yes" some, but no plans yet. She asked me if I was safe until tomorrow. I told her that I was not sure. Not the answer she wanted. She asked me to promise not to do anything to myself. I looked away when she answered. She told me to look her in the eyes when I made the promise. So I did.

I started feeling a little weird about all this. I was still feeling a deep kind of pain, but a new emotion was added to the mix. I was starting to get feelings for my psychologist. Can it actually be that this girl likes me? She doesn't even judge me when I tell her my darkest thoughts. She repeatedly tells me that there is hope, that I seem smart etc. Recently she started to look away when I look at her. Then I started to get realistic.

We can never be together. She is a professional. I am just a patient. That is probably also what I like about this. I have feelings for her because she is impossible to get. Maybe she realizes the same. I have never opened myself up to a girl before. Not like this. It is the first time I have felt emotions like this. So strong. So painful.

I still want to die. I am thinking about it almost every day. I feel like I will die lonely. It feels like this is the one and only chance I have to experience what love is. At least one person knew me. I feel like I cant go trough the pain anymore. I do not know what more to do.