Rock Bottom

So I've pretty much been a daily PMO addict since I first made the discovery in 7th grade. I'm now in my senior year of college about to graduate in 2 weeks.

I wanted to make changes as I get ready to enter the real world so on the first day of lent I deleted all social media accounts and gave up both alcohol and PMO for my 40 day sacrifice. While I'm still clean from alcohol ever since, I relapsed after just 7 days. I beat myself up over it and tried again but relapsed again 8 days later.

It was then that I decided to go all in and really focus. The new 40 day challenge would include sacrificing marijuana as well since it facilitated both relapses. I flushed nearly 3oz's of weed, started keeping a daily motivational quote log, the 40th day even fell on graduation day. Motivation was so high and I felt unstoppable as I breezed through the first 20 days w/o a single temptation.

This all went downhill a few days ago when I had lucid dream sex and then started to feel more distracted at the gym. I've been lifting weights for almost 4 years now and also train MMA so I'm at the gym 2-5hrs a day. MSU is a large university so it's hard keeping my mind straight when gorgeous women in yoga pants and sports bras are everywhere you turn.

I'm not bad looking either so it doesn't help that some of them try talking to me, workout literally 5ft in front of me when there's large open space in the other direction, or even stranger instances where girls have asked if they can Snapchat me working out.

Yes I have the desire to try and create something real with a girl but I struggle with confidence. It's like I have it but something takes over me as soon as I'm in the conversation and I instantly look for the quickest way out. It sort of stems from 5 years ago when I first got out of a relationship and some friends built me up to talk to this really cute girl I liked. I approached her brimming with courage and she wouldn't even look at me. She completely ignored me and all friends witnessed, it sort of killed me inside.

I actually haven't been laid in the 5 years since that relationship although I've had about 7 straight forward opportunities. Two of them even got as far as foreplay in bed and I walked out every time bc I want something real. It's like the desire was there until it was right in front of me and then I couldn't bring myself to having sex with someone after the first date. I only ever let it get that far bc it seemed like what I wanted at the time. It's psychologically fucked up but that's what I've turned into.

Anyways sorry for the long vent, but I'm letting everything out because I've hit rock bottom. I relapsed today on the 25th day of my 40 day goal. It's my third strike now and I feel so low I'm below the casket. No I don't mean suicidal, I just mean I can't believe I let myself down. I've brushed every drug addiction I've ever faced from weed, alcohol, MDMA, adderall, and LSD w/o a single relapse but I can't shake PMO.

I don't even know if this is what I really want anymore bc it's taking such a mental toll on me. Yes it's disappointing when your addicted to PMO daily but the disappointment of relapse is way worse. It's just concentrates the agony instead of spreading it out.

I refuse to give up though. I may have quit on myself earlier but I won't quit on god and that's why I started this in the first place. I'm re-establishing my 40 day goal and if anyone who had the patience to read through my circumstances has any advice pertaining to them, it would be much appreciated.

Before the Phoenix can emerge reborn from the flames, it must first burn to ashes.