Hi everyone. I only read about this site and movement today, but it so accurately describes what I'm going through I am pretty excited and encouraged by so many others feeling like I do. I hope this is the right place to post up first. I've never talked about this openly before. Not really sure what to expect. Anyway, here is my story. I look at porn and masturbate everyday, and have done probably for about 15 years since my teens. I am now 31. I am married and have just had a son a few months ago. My porn appetite goes up and down, and sometimes gets extreme. Mostly I've felt under control, and have managed to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with my wife (and others before her). However a combination of things have been going on which has made me reassess what my life is turning into. I have always hidden this away, I don't talk to my wife about it. She knows I watch porn etc but I really worry if she knew the extent of it she couldn't look me in the eye ever again. After getting married we have had less sex. Thats sort of expected right, and I get the reasons behind it. I love my wife, and I find her attractive, there are no issues there. It is true she is not very adventurous though and I find it awkward to suggest anything new. We decided we wanted a baby so started trying - which was lots of fun - only problem was, she got pregnant almost immediately! Doh! Obviously that was great, we were both very happy, but then the sex stopped understandably. We had sex once whilst she was pregnant, and haven't since she gave birth. This can't go on and I think it all relates back to the porn. To be honest, unconsciously I feel like I've been looking for a way out for years, I know this is not healthy but I've never known what to do about it. Is this nofap the right thing? Am I in the right place? Maybe some of you will be able to answer that. I hope so. My life needs to change but honestly I'm not sure where to start and how on earth I could just stop it all immediately. Right sorry for the rant, feels pretty amazing to get it off my chest actually. If anyone bothered to read all that then thanks, any comments welcomed I guess. Tackling this is all pretty new in my head.
I'm a considerable few years younger than you (currently aged 19 at the time of writing this), so I can't relate to a great deal of the things you talk about, however I'm sure my time will soon come (e.g. getting married and having a child - fingers crossed at least). However, what I can totally relate to is your struggle... I can also reassure you that you are definitely in the right place. You have made the biggest; and most important first step! Pornography is a dangerous thing, completely altering the way we can see the world, our relationships and the magical act of sex itself. It goes hand-in-hand with the destruction of so many amazing things in our life and the time to stop is now. Embrace the NF-community in every way, don't hold anything back as we are all going through the same struggles here; and really are one big strange, f***ed up, but incredible family! Good luck with your road to recovery - change is a slow, painful and incredibly positive process. All the best; DrAmGo (DAG)
You are in the right place. I am also married with kids and also took my porn addiction to the point of having sex with others while married. Stopping the porn and then masturbation has been the most liberating thing I have ever done. If I can do it, you can do it. Fw
Thanks FW. So I'm interested in the process - you say stop P then M, but lots of folk going cold turkey on everything? I don't doubt the two are linked (of course ) but I don't necessarily think M is bad. So the other thing I'm worried about is my balls exploding and being an even worse sex pest than normal cos I'm not releasing the tap now and again. I guess this is what is being referred to as resetting? And flat lining what is that?
For me it was P gone 3.5 years ago and M gone 5 months ago. It is best to get it all gone at once. The addiction is the orgasm. P and M just lead to the O. Your balls will be fine. Conquer the pain and discomfort. The tap has auto release tricks. Wet dreams. Leakage. Your body will work fine without your help. Flatline is dead dick and is your friend. I think it is your brains way of saying the addiction quits and you win. It is also the devils trick to get you to test your dick to make sure it still works. Don't.
dead dick lol! Not exactly what I signed up for man But I get the idea. no pain no gain. have had a semi for like a whole day now. still, feeling good and on course. Early days but 2 days down is a big deal for me.
Very accurate description of flatlining right there, freedomwarrior And also a hint to what I think is the most important rule for NoFap: Don't touch it. That's your last wall of defense, as long as that wall stands, nothing can happen. Johnno, I'm a few years younger than you (25) and single but I think I can tell you, that you're on the right track. From what I've experienced so far (85 days into no PMO) my interest in real women has gone from "meh, she looks ok but I know hotter ones in porn movies" to "I WANT THAT GIRL!" (not in a creepy way though ). Also women seem to be attracted to me a LOT more than before. It's fucking magic. So I could imagine the same could happen between you and your wife! And as others have said before, don't worry about your balls exploding or being extremely horny. In my experience I'm now not more horny than before NoFap, it feels as if my focus just shifted from being attracted to porn to being attracted to real women. And that is a great feeling!
Sex once while pregnant, and none after the baby? Wholly crap mate. I Divvin na how you're doing it. That's crazy to me. I've been doing a lot of reading and here is one quote Sex is more than just the feelings, but it is what brings us together as a couple. Without it men will normally go find it somewhere else. Maybe that is PMO, maybe that is an affair. It's not okay to go out looking somewhere else, but I don't think it is okay for a wife to just ignore it too. I've also read quotes that go along these lines. "The wife marries a man and expects him to be loving, caring, and be 100% faithful to her. Than rejects his desire to share and receive love though sex. It is an unfair expectation". Or how about this one. "We don't get married to be celebrate". So I wonder, has porn gotten in the way of the sexual relationship with your wife? Twice you said "I understand that" when it came to not having sex with your wife. Well I don't understand it. There is only one person I can have sex with and that is my wife. Men have physical and emotional needs too. I'm starting over a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger titled, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" It is a really good book for both husbands, and wives. I learned a lot about myself, and men in general. We are like puppies. All you need to do to make us happy, and make us want to do anything for our wives is to love us, and pet us, and tell us we are a good boy. She talks a lot about the double standard woman have. That we has husbands should understand if they don't want to have sex. How they think that as long as they are getting what they want than we should be happy. I suggest reading it, and sharing it with your wife. Be cautions of how you do though. You don't want to tell her she is being a bad wife because she isn't. We all need some improvement. To help me get passed a lot of my PMO, I was having sex 3-4 times a week with my wife. It was great for both of us. It really strengthened our relationship. We have backed off a little, but it is still 2-3 times a week. But the catalyst was me admitting I need help in changing, and her understanding what the addiction really was. I hope some of this helps mate. I don't mean to talk down, or depress. But you do need to take another look at your relationship with your wife.
It does help, like I said I welcome any input man thanks. I relate to all of that, and I don't know how much of our lack of sex has been caused by me (with PMO and latterly escorts) or her. What I need to do first is sort my half of the deal out, and if problems still exist between us then bring things like this to the table and get her to change. It's already improving though, and now I'm able to talk slightly more openly about PMO it helps. Still don't think she appreciates or understands what I'm doing. But yeah I'm less than a week in so thats fair enough! It feels like so much longer!
No I couldn't tell her that. I don't think she could handle it, and who could blame her? I'm sure some people's attitude to it would be even worse than having an affair etc. Can't do that anymore man, it is the lowest of the low.
I assumed she didn't know. Some relationships would allow it so I didn't want to go off assumptions only. So what I can see from my limited perspective is that there are things that need to be fixed in your relationship. I'm not saying tell her about the escorts. I don't see how that would fix anything right now. I wonder if this is some of the stress and frustrations that cause you to "self medicate" by PMO, and than taking it further to paid sex. For most men their is nothing they desire more than to be loved and give love to their wives. Our main love language is sex. That is how we feel loved, and how we show love. For women it isn't. I think a lot of women can live without it. They have the ability to just turn it off where as men don't. Sex is a powerful tool in a relationship. It can bring you closer together, or drive you apart. I'm reading/listening to a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger titled "The proper care and feeding of husbands". It is a really good book. It is written mainly to wives, as you can tell by the title. But it is also really good for husbands to read. The feelings we have are put into words and you will have those "Ah ha" moments. Us men will do anything for our wives if they show us love in our languages. We are actually the needy ones. We need someone to rely on us for support, and we need to feel their love for our support. I suggest you give it a read. It's not very big. You just might all of the sudden realize why you feel the way you do. Than you might ask you wife to read it, or read it with you. But you have to be careful that by asking you aren't telling her that she is a horrible person. You might say that some of the guys on the forum suggested reading it as a couple because it helped them, and we think it could help you with your challenge. Just some of my thoughts. That's my 2 pence.
