OK guys, hoping you can help me out with this one. Normally, a man's looks don't matter too much to me. I feel myself attracted to a guy by virtue of the connection created during conversation. However, with quitting porn I've noticed myself becoming more aware of physically attractive men in my day-to-day life. I would like to talk to these men, and see if a connection can be established. Both yesterday and today I had prolonged eye contact with two men who I'd consider my 'type' (on a superficial level), yet when it came to talking to them, I froze up. I feel so shy! It's not like I don't know what to say, I'm perfectly capable of having a conversation. It's like my brain needs a jumpstart from 'oohh you're cute' to 'do we have anything in common, and can i pay attention to your answers while presenting myself in a positive way. please.' There seem to be more than a few of you on here that are doing great work with seeing women as people and not merely sexual resources. Do you have any advice/techniques on making the jump from 'drool' to 'discussion'?
Our bodies will always obviously kick into attraction mode with people initially. We are designed to do that. That said, Just jump in there! It's never fun being rejected but showing interest in someone is going to at the very least flatter them! Connections are hit or miss. If you don't just jump in there and try you can consider that a "miss" without ever even having a chance to "hit". So in essence, you're taking a strike every single time you don't "jump in" and every time you get rejected it's just a "ball". Surely somewhere you'll get that "hit" and it will be great. You'll never get a home run unless you swing the bat though. Sorry for the baseball references, just seemed like a good analogy for this scenario. Best of luck to you!
Good advice Hotshot! He's right, Rewired. You just gotta go in and say hi. Its all nerves stopping you in this case. Don't think, just go! Say hi, how's your day going, etc. If there's any connection, the conversation should flow naturally from there.
Practice, practice, practice. Don't be afraid to be awkward from time to time. I used to be so scared of getting myself in trouble that I didn't talk to strangers at all, unless spoken to. When I got myself in embarassing situation I would be somewhat sick for a couple of days. But now the mix of quitting PMO, focusing on Martial Arts training and regular cold showers made me kinda used to feeling uncomfortable. It's easier to talk to strangers, easier to shrug off awkward situations. It helped me build more self-confidence and as a result I sometimes feel comfortable even in normally embarassing situations. Weird feeling but extremely useful. Bruce Lee said it the best: "Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality." After all we are just humans, we all make mistakes. We are not meant to be perfect, we are meant to strive for perfection but never reach it. So the next time you see a guy that looks good and seems like a nice person just give it a try and talk to him. Gretzky said: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".
To combat any approach anxiety, I heard of a technique called the 3 Second Rule. Basically, instead of standing around waiting for something to happen, just go into it. It is shown that after 3 seconds approach anxiety clouds the human brain. Count to three in your head, and go over and start talking You helped me, now I am helping you, ~Squeaky Soul
Well, it's good to know you are human Rewired I dont know if there is a "fix" for this, or even if there should be. It's just us being human. I know it happens to me, like you cant even breathe properly. This is where courage steps in,I think this quote says it best: "True courage is not the absence of fear; rather it is the taking of action in spite of the fear." Like Shakti said, just practice. I heard a preacher once give advice on how nervous Christians can share their faith with strangers, he said "find a sinner and experiment on him". Of course this was tongue in cheek, but I suppose when you divorce yourself from the situation and treat it like an experiment it can help. For example, this makes it possible to say/do things you wouldn't normally, just to see how he/you reacts. Anyway, I know it's not easy. Life isn't, so it's good we can share these things. Good luck with your experiment
When I was in the military they taught us that the best way to jump a plane is jump first regret latter. It served as a good advice during my life.
Ah thanks guys. Some real gems in here but essentially what I'm seeing is "Just do it. Do it quick and do it repeatedly. Be brave. Embrace consequence." Ok, will try my best. (insert Yoda quote about trying here)
You got it! Jump in shaking, come out a hero! Tell me one sports legend that wasn't nervous just before stepping out onto the basketball court, jumping into that swimming pool, running around that track, playing in that world series game. They live for it. The fear drains from them the second that timer starts moving forward and they lose all of those nerves. The hardest part was starting.
