new here: I've hit a new low. A cautionary tale.

It is never too late. Place some filters on the p websites; start a journal; find an accountability partner; set realistic goals; and take things one step at a time. You can do it!

 

Hey--so they tell me, and I believe, that bottom is just when I (or we) stop digging. I really relate with your story, from addiction throughout my life to paranoia over PMO and other sexual activities. If you feel that you are in enough pain, and you have hit that point (I think of it as a sort of spiritual death, or a willingness to be recreated), then there's a ton of hope and no it is not too late at all. Some people use 12 step methods (I do), some people use therapy (I do too), and others use other methods be it strength of will or whatever (this one I don't understand because I give in every time I feel a little crappy). I'm not some bastion of recovery though... I slipped a couple days ago and feel like crap today. But I know that my slips have become less and less intense, and more and more uncomfortable, so I believe there's hope for me too despite my issues.

I truly wish you grace and support from the group and from your conception of god. I'm not a religious person in the slightest, but I believe in recovery, and maybe you can reconnect with something loving and omnipotent in the universe that can help you find that inner Strength.

 

Well you have got pretty low. you are deep in the grip of PMO addiction, your life is being ruled by it, destroyed by it and you are dragging an innocent woman down with you.

I can't and won't offer you sympathy. But I can offer you understanding.

You feel pathetic. But you are not. It is your addiction that is telling you that. Your addiction is making you feel sorry for yourself, telling you you are not worth caring about, hoping everything in your life goes wrong, the world rejects you so that you can find a dark lonely hole to fap in peace. You don't care what you fap to - it's all the same now, whatever your addiction can use will work.

It is all addiction. But it is still only a small part of you. You are bigger than it. There is a lot more of you than you realise. If you really concentrate you will see that there are lots of things you do each day that are not focused on your addiction. You are a fully functioning person. So it really isn't too late.

You have a lot of work to do. And while you work you are going to carry a lot of guilt around. But the guilt gets easier the better you get at dealing with the addiction. You have to remember how you felt when you first found this place. Keep it in your mind. remember how you were physically feeling, the dread, the despair, the sick desperate feeling in your stomach. And then remember how you felt when you read what other people were doing here, visualise your reaction, taste that surge of hope. Keep hold of that excitement you felt when you realised that this might work for you, when you pictured in your head what you could be like if you weren't addicted.

You are going to need to remember all of this to remind you why you need to keep coming back here day after day after day. You are going to use it to jolt you awake when you addiction tries to lure you back down.

Best advice for a novice like you? Read http://www.yourbrainonporn.com. Learn the reality of the addiction. It is a real addiction, just like alcohol, nicotine, drugs. Fortunately, unlike some drugs it doesn't have a physical component. It is all mental (although there are physical reactions to withdrawal). Read as much of that site as you can.

Then step away from the computer! the computer is only there for information. Not for entertainment. You want some entertainment? For now just go outside for a walk. When you are ready, come back and read as many posts from this site as possible. See how people struggle, fight, prepare and succeed.

Keep writing here.
Get a counter.
Block your computer with K9.
Delete ALL P files on your computer.
Delete ALL P bookmarks.
Close ALL of your secret email accounts.
Uninstall that IM you use or close your IM accounts you use for fapping.
Delete tumblr etc. If you know you will see P when you need to delete something then find someone here who will do it for you.
Write a list of triggers (you are going to have a long list when you think about it).
Then write a list of ways to combat triggers (if you have read posts here you should have lots to try).

Then step away from the computer.

Add me as a friend - I will be your accountability partner.

And beware. Your addiction is going to get scared, desperate, cunning and downright evil sometimes. It is going to torment you with lies and memories and doubts. It is going to try to convince you that you will suffer if you don't fap. It's a lie. It is going to make you rationalise watching P one last time. It is going to prod you 20 times a minute every time you are on your own. It is a fight that you are going to have to fight. But we are here to help.

Don't be afraid. We have all been there. All those people who have been 90 days clean, 30 days clean, 10 days clean - they all started just like you. Some of us were worse!

Good luck! Keep coming back.

 

i appreciate this words.

 

Hey,
I apprechiate your feedback, although I'm sorry to hear you could relate.

It also sounds, although of course this is just a comment, that your porn habit is wrapped up with your relationship with your wife and with your village. A Christian village in the Netherlands, that's outside my expereince. (I'm no expert, in addictions or women, but when you said your wife was your accountability partner, something screamed "that is doomed".) I also have a very low opinion of the average helpfulness or professional psychologists.

(Simplifying "because you want to" in the next paragraph for a reason or reasons that are important to you, not reasons important to other people or worse, just because other people want you to.)

Quit porn because you want to, not to stay with your wife; conversely, divorce your wife because you want to, not because of porn. Likewise, leave the village because you want to, not because of your porn habit; quit porn because you want to, not to stay in the village.

It's easy for me to say because a wife and a Christin village both hold no appeal for me. However, unless you realize you have free will, you will not succeed.

You also definitely need to attack it like an addiction, like user perusan below said.

Of course, this is just advice and suggestions, only you can say what you must do. Best of luck.

 

It's true we must be serious about seriously being serious. PMO can no longer be an option.

When we get a triggering thought, it must be shelved at the beginning. Because if it's allowed to have "space" in our minds it will grow, then disable the thinking part of our brain, then we will PMO, simple as that.

You say you think it is hopeless. That thinking won't help you. It is NOT hopeless. It is NOT too late. This is something that others have overcome, and something you can overcome too.

It will only be overcome because you want freedom from this master in your life, and become willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get freedom. I do not think you will find shame (what you have been feeling recently) a powerful enough motivator to effect real change.

You seem to think you have "tried it all" in terms of beating this, but believe me, you have not tried everything. Keep hitting it from new angles. This forum will help. True freedom can come where you someday you will not even need filters or accountability partners. You say those don't work? That's because those tactics are tourniquets to stop the bleeding symptom. But the tourniquet has to come off to go to surgery. And we all need surgery in the deep parts of us. There is a spiritual component to this battle, I believe.

Here is an article I found helpful:

http://nofapsolideo.wordpress.com/2...ut-breaking-a-sweat-after-7-years-of-failure/

And here is a spreadsheet that helps us measure PROGRESS, instead of simply using counters. It can be very helpful in tracking changes over longer periods of time. Fill it out faithfully. When you see the improvements over 2 months time, over 6 months time, over 2 years time, you will be encouraged.

http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2963-New-PMO-spreadsheet

Don't give up! You may have been fighting this for years. Guess what? Others have too, including me. There are many battles, but only if we give up to we truly admit to failure.

We didn't get into this mess in a day (it took years to get where we are!) We won't come out of this mess in a day, or a month, or even 90 days - it's going to take prolonged battle and time. Stick with it. We're with you.

 

What a history. Yes you are addicted alright. You should learn about addiction as much as you can and how to fight it. I like to push 12 step meetings on top of this forum.
I would suggest getting a counter on your signature like you see many of the members on here have. You just have to click it and follow the instructions to add it. It helps because you don't want to throw away time you've added up and throw away fought temptations. I cannot stress the helpfulness the counter has had with my addiction. I am at 43 days today. It is still not easy. Today was hell. But I have 11 months sober from alcohol as well. And I have hope that how the obsession from alcohol has stopped, so too will the sexual addiction.
12 step meetings are huge. Get the SA literature and get a sponsor. Hell go to AA meetings. You don't have to talk you can pass. You can get away with introducing yourself as an addict. But I would try to find an SA meeting. Pray every morning that you will not masturbate. Pray every night that you are grateful you did not. Get on your knees and do this.
You can beat this. Addictions suck man. I am very familiar with them and no how hard they can be on everyone. Good luck brother.
Feel free to message me if you have any questions.
Also, start a NOFAP journal on a thread.