Rejected by wife

She doesn't love me, that's the problem.

Please don't respond saying I'm blaming the SO - I admit that porn was a problem in our relationship. I should have long ago gave that up and dealt directly with my wife's rejection and withdrawal. Mine is not one of the cases where I had a willing partner waiting for me. Our sex life for the past 10 years existed only because of my persistence. It would be 3 or 4 months in between unless I asked every day (rejected 90% of the time). Even cuddles were rejected!

I many times initiated conversations about the lack of intimacy and sexual interest on her part... to which she would just get angry, and invalidate my needs and emotions. The endless rejection hurt me so much, was a trigger to bury my head in a Pmo quicksand.

What I'm starting to realize the further behind me porn gets, she is using this as an excuse to avoid looking in the mirror or admitting any fault in our relationship or examining why she hates herself so much that she is afraid of being loved.

Our relationship has now reached the point where when I tried to hug her the other day she said 'ew' and pushed me away.

I'm at my wits end, trying to be patient but it's been months with no sex or any type of intimacy. And she is telling me she will never be with me or want me again.

I want out so I can be happy but she is insistent that she wants to stay married and see other people! I don't know how to live like this, on my way to work but just feel like laying in bed crying.

I'm trying to focus on the love of my children and taking care of them and myself but honestly living with someone who hates me is slowly destroying my will to keep living. It's also warping me so that I'm starting to hate her! She is so full of anger and rage and takes it out on me and the kids.

One moment at a time. I know who I want to be, and porn is not a part of it.

 

Thanks for your response and concern!

Suicide isn't an option, I could never leave those two little people without a loving father.

Despair comes and goes. I am stuck for the moment, and I'm trying to put forth as much effort as I can to be positive and calm, but often I leave the house in the morning deflated from the effort.

I've been in therapy for a few months now, but im seeking a new therapist who is more active in cbt so that the sessions are something more than just venting.

Wife has been in therapy and on medication for depression and anxiety for several years not that it's helped much... if anything it's gotten worse over time (and I acknowledge my Pmo problem has made it worse and prevented me from supporting her as much as I could have).

We are supposed to see a marriage counselor near the end of the month. I suspect that will finalize the fact that our marriage is over ...

I'm ready build a new marriage together, but it's going to take the two of us and a lot of work. I honestly don't think she's up for it, in which case I'm going to keep loving her while I work to end our marriage with as much dignity as possible.

 

She doesn't care any more about whether or not I look at porn. She's encouraged me to find another woman and has joined many dating sites and apps.

She wants to stay married in some twisted form of marriage where we live essentially as roommates. So I can pay her bills for next decade and our kids can grow up twisted by this bitterness? I can't let that happen!

Me looking at porn started long before I met her. She knew about it when we were dating, and her hatred and distrust is my own fault for making promises to her and not keeping them. I didn't think it was a big deal or see how it hurt her and was a barrier to true intimacy until recently.

I think she is using my porn use as a way to avoid the fact that two people are at fault when a relationship crumbles. Fact is she hasn't been interested in me for a long long time. She doesn't take care of herself in any way, and hasn't put a second of energy into our relationship since the kids came along. She doesn't care if Im happy or have a bad day, and just rolls her eyes and says I'm dramatic if I express emotional needs.

I am a good husband and father. I've supported her for 12 years including a full decade with two difficult pregnancies and two rounds of postpartum depression. I got a vasectomy so she wouldn't have to face that again.

Though it hasn't been easy we have shared so much joy!!! She can't see any of it, hates her life and is definitely suffering from depression, though she claims she's not at all depressed, just miserable to be with me! Our whole life together was a mistake?!?

I admit I used to play video games and look at porn to escape my problems. I also got hooked on that surge of energy and numbness, and it made me feel alive if only for a minute... but it's empty and I'm done with pixels.

She told me on April 28th that she didn't love me anymore and would never touch me again. I haven't played a video game or looked at porn since.

I've told myself I'd give it a year... I'm hanging on but I'm coming to realize that I may have to end our marriage so at least one of us can find happiness.

Not what I want but but I can only change myself. I am moving in the right direction, even if no one but an anonymous crowd of strangers can see it.

Thanks sorry for the long winded response.

 

Agreed I honestly want what's best for my family - of which she will always be a part.

During a few moments of clarity we promised that if things go the way they seem to be going we won't let it get ugly and will try to do a mediated divorce. Reconciliation or amicable parting is the only way forward for us. We will split it all down the middle including 50/50 parenting time with the kids.

Mass law changed a few years ago, basically the fact that she's been home with the kids doesn't automatically qualify her for alimony... she has 3 years of college and worked as a graphic designer for a decade. Just because she is willing to work minimum wage doesn't entitle her to any of my income. Child support is based on child custody so if I have the kids half of the time, we both have to equally contribute.

I'll work like a dog to make sure they have everything they need... but I've bought enough designer jeans (I counted last week 112!!!)

 

I had a legal consultation back in May, they told me to start a journal and collect evidence I find.

The killer was finding tinder on the old iPhone my wife gave my 7 year old daughter...

I'm not going there unless it's last resort. I will love her always and can forgive nearly everything. I also don't have to eat sh1t because I found a really horrible coping strategy, nor do I have to live the rest of my life celibate and without love.

Time and patience. And lots of sweat, gym is only thing keeping me going!

 

Thanks for the excellent advice. I've been taking notes of any situation hat involves something not quite right, including pictures etc. I'm reluctant to get into negative territory... I'll have to see this woman for the rest of my life, grandkids included.

Very much hope this doesn't become adversarial, could easily errode the few assets we have.

The thing I'm stuck on is trying to make it work. My dad told me that love is a choice. I chose my wife for a reason, and still choose her.

I am trying to be patient in the hope that she is still reeling in pain and will wake up one day and see all we have... but at the same time I'm trying to protect myself emotionally and with evidence (credit cards in particular will show a serious spending habit... I'm talking 70 grand over past 5 years).

I also am running out of patience. I will not let hatred infect me or especially my children... and it seems to be getting worse not better.

 

Great questions! If possible I'll ask my wife this when we go to therapy.

I have no idea what she needs other than for me to stop existing... She doesn't want anything from me other than my paycheck and getting a break from parenting.

I know what I need, and it's a loving partner. I need intimacy, and someone who desires me. I need someone who is capable of being my full partner and who will work as hard as I do to build our future. Someone who is interested in me, who feels bad when I have a hard day, someone who is happy for me and celebrates my victories. Someone who listens to me and doesn't judge.

None of that exists in my marriage. I've tried to explain throughout the years what I needed, but either ended in a fight, tears or ridicule.

I'm trying to be patient, I promised to love her for life.... but honestly I don't see any of my needs ever being met by her. She acknowledged this and is completely fine with being roommates for the next decade, and encouraged me to find someone else because she is either too scared to change or incapable of giving me anything.