My observations on online dating

Thanks for your thoughts on that.

I made very similiar experiences in the past and it ended up with me canceling a date with a real woman to have more time to write with the girls the website. So as a part of my rebooting I deleted all of my accounts on dating pages.

But maybe there is another aspect why you don't feel as comfortable as rebooting the first time. I think a lot of improvement of Nofap is due to psychological effects. You gain a lot of confidence as you see that you can reach your personal goals and during the second time these effects aren't so intense then during the first time.

 

Online dating is rigged for men. That's just how it is. Unless you're in the top 20% caliber of men, you're not gonna get much attention.
The hot women go for the hot men. The not so hot women also go for the hot men.
This is because even the not so hot women have such unrealistic expectations.
This is the 80-20 principle in online dating. 80% of the women only see the top 20% of men.
I'd suggest to go out and approach women in the open.

 

That novel feedback loop in your brain is the same for both dating websites and porn - just keep clicking, see new girls, new possiblities, click click, maybe she's the one, click, keep pushing new images into your brain because your brain rewards you for seeing each one. I had a really hard time using dating websites - it was so easy to keep looking at the girls and never message them. Use with caution!

Also, stay the hell away from Tinder - it's awful for your self-esteem.

 

Hi Vibemaker -- I'm so glad you wrote this post. I couldn't agree with everything you said more. After 5 years in recovery I've come to see that my #1 struggle is with truly being ok on my own...with not feeling like I have to have a woman in my life. And dating apps *do* seem to function similarly to porn...at least in my experience. They encourage this seeking behavior, the need to constantly click. As it happens, I did go out with a few women I'd met on Match about 5 months ago...and it was a truly miserable month. Even the best of the 3 situations (where we ended up seeing each other a few times) there was this pressure that just doesn't exist in the same way when you meet someone through real life. Lots more to say but tired tonight...anyhow great topic.

 

It's the devil

 

Hey guys. To be honest I started online dating in the begining of the year and finished my account before the nofap commitment. Becouse of that I've had a lot of time to think about my expirience (I'm one of those guys who likes to reflect about things) and some of what I got matches what you guys said. And some don't.

First of thanks for posting that subject. Both my male friends are dating and I didn't had much people with their own experience to talk about this.

The app that I used it's a type that has a long space for profiling. I noticed, as I was chosing a dating app, that some of them prioritize photos or maybe just standart info (like tinder). That wasn't my thing for my own reasons. By point is that, if any of you don't feel confort with the competition based on your looks, you can always boost your profile with great info (but, to do that, you need the right app).

Also, the app I used had a similar trigger such as porn, facebook and other media. They make you crave for dopamine and keep clicking, even without new data. It's like that endless scroll to the bottom of facebook, even without any new posts, just becouse you'r bored. It's like checking for new mensagens on whatsapp or whatever app you use. My point is that, altought porn uses the same trigger, a lot of other things also do it. I think now a days it's impossible to get by life without learning how to focus (I think the meditation sugested for no pmo stands for that).

Yes, there's the rejection. I got the impression that most people don't even reconize you as a human being. I think it's due the internet impact and the distance. It's like haters responding a post. Anyone can curse in the confort of their own home, but isn't that easy in front of the cursed person. hurting someone feelings or just not caring about it it's way more easyer when you don't have to work it out. It's what Bauman calls "liquid modernity" (there's a book with this tittle if anyone feels like it). So we will be ignored, discarted, or w/e.

I think that what really bothered me and reminded me of porn was the chosing, as you guys said. I felt like when I was chosing porn. Even focusing on profile info, looks always counts for something.

By the way. At the time I found a Ted Talk about online dating and how to build a attractive profille (it's all about how you display yourself). If anyone get curious, here's the url: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating

It is interesting the link you made between your suposed lack of confidece after the second reboot. Maybe, although rebooting can help with confidence, it doesn't do all the job. I mean, you textually said that those 2 app weren't working and that got into your mind. I think that you found yourself in a moving sand. The more you tryed, more the girls didn't measure up to expectations, the less confidence you had, more anxious you became. As you said, dating became a big topic in your mind. Maybe it's all about give dating a shot, but also focus on your stuff. Isn't that easy, but that's what I've beeing trying.

 

What messes up my self esteem on dating aps is all these women put their best face forward and post photos of themselves in really high end expensive places and list their jobs like they are all rich and expensive and then i feel inadiquit like i cant measure up and they want a rich succesful guy who is a ceo or something i cant financialy compete with and reading their profiles makea me feel like a looser.. also the younger the girl the more skin she shows and everyone over 30 looks like a mom.. im 49 and look mid 30s.. no way i want to date some old bag in their 40/50 years.. yuck!... the young girls i feel expect me to have $$ at my age.. but PMO robbed me of that...

 

^ Dude, I know what you mean! Another example is when all their pictures are in some crazy location and they said, "I love to travel." I can barely afford to go to the next city over for a concert. haha!

I found a few Christian dating sites that are a lot less sexually explicit than the Tinders, Bumbles, etc., but finding good quality matches is still a pain in the ass. I still believe approaching women in public is a much better way to build confidence and get use to rejection at the same time.

 

It's awful.

 

Finding a woman in the open is alot harder actually, especially if your not a very confident and social person.

 

You can't hide behind a screen your whole life.

 

Yep, grow a spine and meet real women in real life.

The same dynamic outlined above has spoilt a lot of the women online anyway. Sad to say, but most of them are not worth meeting.

 

IMO, online dating is a sad, sad, sad world for heterosexual men. The whole thing's just sad. Healthy women do not do online dating, and it's full of low-quality women who demand God himself in a man. Not worth it.

 

Ok after a month a closed 1 dating website and just have 1 left. I hate the brain fog these sites cause me and miss the clarity and focus i had b4 i opened an account.. i know i need to close the other 1 but the girls are so much cuter even though i got no matches with any of the attractive ones.. the clicking through is like hunting for that best hot babe photo i used to do with porn.. i know its messing up my full reboot and putting it on hold even though im pmo and mo free 8 months.. but also i see im using it as a buffer to be less on the make with women in real life.. i was always on the make and would hit on every hot girl everyplace i went. So part of my reboot was no dating to clear my mind of lust.. but i slipped back into that mode a month ago.. part of it is summer with all the skimpy cloths.. cant wait for that to end.. ok i fear deleating the last dating ap as i fear then i will be more on the make and obsessing on women around me..

 

First of all, sex is not a "must" for happiness. Just like masturbating is not a "must" for happiness. A relationship should be about love, communication, emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, and being there for one another. If a girl doesn't wanna be with you because you never have sex with her, hypothetically speaking, than she's just a sex-crazed whore, and vice versa (with all due respect). Sex is a "want" not a "need." Food, water, clothes, shelter, etc. are actually "musts" and actual "needs." And all I can tell you is that you'll meet the right girl through time, just be positive about it. If I were you, I'd check out www.asexualcupid.com

 

I wouldn't meet women in real life, because the vast majority of women [not all] expect sex.

 

You dont seem to get the point of his post. He was talking about how just the fact of being on dating aps has affected him in a negative way. This is truth and a reality.. not how it should be but how it acutually is. You cant denie what a person's experance and say they should not have that experiance.. and he was pointing out he had to figure it out of what the differance was this time and was affecting him and he narrowed it down to the dating aps.. i say bravo for him taking the time to recognize it and be in self honor to see the truth.. not knock him as its not the way to be in the world.. so poo poo on you.

 

I didn't mean to sound harsh. I apologize if I did, man.