Hi. I'm Doug. I am married 10 years, I am 37 with a son. For the past 8 years I have responded to my wife's lack of sexual desire with PMO. At first it was a couple times a week... Then my wife got pregnant with our son and intimacy decreased significantly. I started blaming myself for being too fat, too undesirable or whatever I could come up with to justify using porn to satisfy myself and not with through the issues. My son was born premature and when we brought him home my wife had to feed him every 3 hours...so sex and intimacy stopped for 18 months...Then pmo became a daily habit. After those 18 months sex started to return bc we decided to have another child...that did not go so well. We lost baby at 14 weeks in a not so great way...the sex and intimacy stopped fit another 6 months until we decided to try again...back to daily pmo...We lost another baby last year under similar circumstances and it had been 10 months with no sex and little intimacy...And yet again daily pmo...and Anger... Two nights ago I lost it and put my fist through the wall because my stuff denied me intimacy for yet another night. I started feaking out and had to leave...she said she does not like me because all I think about is sex and it had become the central focus of our relationship. This has a lot to do with hire much porn I watch. Bottom line I'd that I want my wife to like me again and I need intimacy with a real person not my phone...I have been free for 4 days now...I want sine help dealing with the anger associated with the feeling of rejection from my wife and some help in rebooting with the man she feel in love with...I need to see the whole woman instead of my sex outlet. Thanks for listening. Reply if you want to join me for 3 weeks.
Hey Goodman37. It seems like you had a rough life for the last couple of years. I'm sorry for all the bad things which happened in your life which you could not have influenced. You are however responsible for yourself and your family. It's high time that you make some better choices in your life. There's a multitude of problems here, your addiction, your lack of an active sex life with your wife, your health issues, guilt, the losing of your children and an inability to fix the broken communication between you and your wife. The reason why I'm naming all of this is because, and I'm not an expert here, it seems like you and your wife might benefit from professional counseling. Dealing with your addiction is hard enough, and perhaps by being here and making the right steps you might be able to quit it completely, yet all the other challenges in your life will remain. If the 2 of you don't change the dynamic and communication in your relationship things will remain very difficult. For example, if a couple decides not to have sex for a period of time, that's fine. But if one is struggling with that or simply doesn't agree then things need to be discussed so they can be worked out. And it seems like you don't know how to talk to your wife anymore since you feel like she rejects you all the time (hence the fist)and she's just on the defensive, pretty much blaming you for wanting it. Please consider professional counseling. As for your addiction, i wish you good luck on battling it. Congrats on making it to day 4. Here's a list of The things that helped me: 1. Be 100% dedicated. Coming from a guy who tried to quit 3 years for his gf and his God, and just a bit for himself, this one is crucial. I failed then, I am not failing now. 2. Get educated: www.yourbrainonporn.com 3. Get filters 4. Get yourself a new look on life. 5. Be active here. And I'm sure missing something but somebody else will correct that.
So I am struggling. My wife and I were up till 2am talking and after there was some intimacy...which involved masterbation together...And I am struggling with that...I found it totally unfulfilling and impersonal.... I am really in a bad way... I know in her mind that it "counts" as having sex with me, but my mind is so messed up that I am not counting it...I was kind of excited about nofap and now I feel like I have to start the counter over. I did not really want to mutually masturbate but I could not say no. I find it boring....but I think that is the porn in my head....I feel like it was charity or something.... Should I reset the counter? I feel like I should because I masturbated... As far as couples counselling, we have been going for 4 months, and I see a personal counselor for the past year...We don't really talk about porn addiction....until today.
Hey Goodman37, first off great that you're here. It's an awesome first step. What you need right now though is to hear some hard words. You're the problem in your marriage! Plain and simple, your the man here and you're supposed to be guarding and protecting your wife and all you're doing is objectifying her as a sex object. You need to step up and fight this with everything in you because it's down hill from here. You have an opportunity to recreate your future and the story can either be that the best days are ahead or your darkest days are ahead. Do it for your future, do it for your wife and do it for your kids man! This is affecting every area of your life and you need to stop feeling entitled here and realize that your needs may need to be put on hold for a little bit here. It's selfishness and thinking our needs are more important than everyone else's that allows this addiction to grab us in the first place. Run strong run hard and don't stop fighting, The best days are ahead! Pm me if you want to talk
@Richardlessman, Such wisdom! Hey Goodman, I'm an old dude and battled PMO most of my life. I invite you to read my bio and consider all that you have and stand to loose if you don't get control over this addiction. Your on the right track....
Wow... pretty strong words coming at me for my first day here. I think you need to be careful and remember that you are speaking to vulnerable people dealing with complicated issues. To say that I am the problem in my marriage is pretty strong considering you don't know me or my wife. I would not be here if I did not think that I have a problem. But relationships are complicated. Those kinds of statements, for me, are not helpful, and make me rethink being here, even though I think I need to be.
Goodman, First off bro I'm on your side. Sometimes hard words are what we need to hear. Please don't take it the wrong way because I'm saying it out of love. Of course I don't know your situation and I would never claim that I do. Maybe I need to say this gentler, your problem is the problem in your marriage. We don't always realize it as addicts but this PMO thing really permeates every area of our lives in a very negative way. I think often times the issues seem really complicated but if you completely take the PMO out you'll be surprised how quickly that complicated issues begins to look less complicated. I think it's very easy for us (and I'm speaking to myself here primarily) as addicts to make excuses for our actions, our situations and our problems when really so many of them simply stem from this one problem. What's that problem? It's that our brains are F'd up from this thing that we've been told is innocent and harmless. Our brains are literally screwed up man, badly, we need to get that brain back to normal and what's weird is so many of us started this so young we don't even remember what normal feels like anymore, what's actually normal feels abnormal and it's causing a whole host of other problems because of it. You don't need to rethink being here man. You're in the right place and you can make it through this?! Stay strong, you're going to hear some hard words man, things you may really not like to read, but don't let it offend you because when you start getting some serious withdrawals this is gonna seem like a cakewalk! To your victory!
Hi Goodman, Hard words indeed... None of us are experts, please think about that when we discuss such personal issues. I can understand you getting upset over them. YYou're the problem in your marriage! Plain and simple, your the man here and you're supposed to be guarding and protecting your wife and all you're doing is objectifying her as a sex object. The above statement, like that, is something I do not agree on. For there are two people in a relationship. Like I said in my first post, professional counseling is needed (and you have it) for there are a lot complicated things going on. What they are trying to say (I hope), is that your addiction is doing all kinds of damage and that fixing it will result in a much better marriage. However, like I said in my first post, it sounds to me that there are a lot of things going on in the dynamic between the two of you which goes outside the contents of this forum. Richardlessman pretty much gave you the tough love treatment. Wether I (we, the community) agree with him or not it not the issue. Make the right decision for yourself wether or not to stay in this community that actively tries to quit an addiction. That's our focus, not relationship therapy. This is the most constructive online community I've ever seen, even though we are all amateurs. Great to hear that you're in counseling. I'm glad you brought up your addiction in the personal therapy for it DOES effect a lot of things in your marriage. It messes with the brainchemicals, your moods, feelings of love and affection, the ability the think clearly ext...So even though it's hard, do discuss it with your therapist! Your predicament is interesting, for I have the same one, even though I decided it should not be an issue. Last night my wife and I ma each other. It was the first time in 1.5 week and since the start of the best decision in my life, this challenge. In my mind I was worrying what it would do to me. Then I decided on connecting with my wife and seeing where the feelings take me. I had an o without fantasising or working hard for it, which was great only I had the exact same feelings like you afterwards! I immediatly decided that this was not a loss but a victory. For I had intimacy, an o without thinking about other things and the feeling that as far as my addiction goes this will not effect me. And it hasn't. I'm just as strong now as I was yesterday (mind you, I've never been this strong). As an fyi, I too 'didn't count' that as sex before starting this. Now I try to think in terms of intimacy and love and seeing where that takes me. To be honest, I really think this is the way to go for I am not only connecting more with my wife but also enjoying everything she gives me a lot more. Not focussing on my needs but on our needs...it feels just better and more natural. Looking at the title of your threat 'I want my wife back',this is not just about just getting your sexlife back, your o's. It's about you and your wife. Perhaps something to consider. Resetting your timer is your responsibility. If you think you need to not have o's for a period of time, then make that decision and act accordingly. If you decide that intimacy with your wife is good for the both of you, then make that decision and act accordingly. Good luck and remember, just brave amateurs here.
Goodman, I'm also sorry for the way things sounded - that is part of the problem with text versus face to face communication. We all want you to succeed, and for every other person to as well. Your situation is hands down the toughest one I've read about, or even as a past counselor, have dealt with. Please give us another chance to be supportive. We're not here to judge, but to encourage, share and relate to each others' issues in reference to our own. Please take a look at yourbrainonporn.com - things will be much clearer once you understand the science of this addiction, and you can begin to understand that as it relates to your situations. Let us know how we can help. I have a family also, and PMO has put them at risk. Only by standing here shoulder to shoulder with other guys for encouragement, setting goals/objectives, and sticking to them, will we ever be able to sever the head off the PMO monster. I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how we can help.
Wow, have I had a rough few days. After my last post I got a call from my doctor about a lump that I had checked out in my neck. Turns out I have a tumor that I have to have surgery to remove next week. It is probably benign, but I will not know until it is out and biopsied next week at the Mayo clinic. The past few days have been up and down with thinking that I have cancer and then talking to more doctors to put that theory to bed a bit. The funny thing is that I have been more concerned with this PMO problem than the tumor that is in my neck. I have been so afraid that I will come out the other end of this tumor thing to still have an empty existence. I want to thank those who have replied to give me encouragement. I have been reading and watching some of the things that are a part of this community and I do want to stay and be a part of it, because it seems to be so healthy to talk about what I know that I am going through with people who are experiencing the same things. Yesterday during the day, especially in the morning I was feeling very good about the direction that I am moving in, but the afternoon and especially the night were really hard. (no pun intended) I was outside with my son and my wife had taken the day off to be around me because of this tumor stuff. She started picking weeds outside in yoga pants and a loose fitting shirt. It was torture. You have to understand that my wife is beautiful...I have wanted her every day since I met her...which has been part of the problem that I am facing...which I think is different from what I have read in some posts and online. I do not experience a loss in sex drive, loss of anything associated with being with my wife...Given a choice I would choose my wife over porn in a heartbeat...the problem, as I posted in my first post is that because of her history with having sex with me...lost babies and premature pregnancies...she is very cautious about intimacy with me....anyway back to yesterday...I started not looking at my wife because it was starting to be such a trigger for me. I was starting to get frustrated in the middle of the day outside while playing with my son. I could tell I was in for a rough night. It has been 9 days now without PMO and I thought that I was going to be free of some of the side effects, specifically anger, and craving....Yesterday proved me wrong. I asked my wife if we could watch a show that we started after my son went to bed. I am trying to work on non-sexual intimacy with my wife (it is what she communicates that she needs, and what I need to start enjoying more). I was getting my son to bed and he was having a hard time falling asleep, and I was getting angry at him because I felt like he was preventing me from having that time with my wife, and here is the kicker, because I might be sexual with her. I am having such a hard time (again no pun intended) not being sexual. So we started watching the show (The Americans) and within the first 2 minutes there is a shot of a woman in lingerie having sex with the main character!!! FUCK!!!! I found myself averting my eyes because it felt like another trigger. We watched the show and then I started kissing my wife, and that felt like another trigger. She did not want to be sexual, which previously would have made me really mad and then I would either blow up or PMO, but I started thinking about everything here and decided to fight those triggers and go to sleep. Last night was really, really difficult. I found myself reading on of the posts about how counting the days might be destructive because this is not about being abstinent for 90 days, it is about changing my life for the better. It is scary to think about how I am going to do this forever, especially with the thought of potentially my wife not meeting my needs if and when my sexuality returns to normal. Porn made that part of my life easy to deal with. My wofe does not want to be intimate, well Bella Knox sure does and...problem solved. Unfortunately, it is the exact opposite. THe rejection that I feel in my relationship with my wife, being filled in with porn, only serves to make me feel awful about myself. When I would really become aware of what I was doing, sometimes by getting caught, sometimes by taking a real look at myself, I would hate what I see. I struggle with my weight and that would be the focus of my contempt for myself. My spiral of shame would put me right back in front of that screen to dull the pain of not really liking myself. Pretty shitty. Porn has done two things in particular that have been the most damaging to my life. #1) The males in these videos are in great shape and they are getting what I think that I want. This makes me feel like I am fat and that I will never be able to have a woman want me for me. #2) The clips and videos have given me a distorted view of what women want and like and what I want and like. My wife would never do some of the things that I enjoyed watching which led to disappointment in our sexual life when those things did not happen. This is going to be a lot of work. I have "come clean" with my wife, my parents, my therapist and our couples therapist, and that has been really difficult. I have admitted that i have a problem, but I am still struggling with that label of "addict," because frankly, I don't want other people to think of me as an addict. I struggle enough with what other people think of me. It is funny that when you talk to most men about it. like my brothers, they marginalize the issue and say things like "it's normal to look at porn," or "just stop for a few weeks," which make me think that I don't have a problem when deep down I know that I do. I also struggle with going to a "group" because having to take the time to drive soemwhere and attend meetings really makes this problem real. I don't know how much I can rely on my therapist to "help" other than to have someone that I can talk to about how I am feeling about my path to recovery. It is really awkward to talk about in couples therapy because it has the potential to make my wife so mad, and I am not sure how much she really understands how hard this is to stop. It has been so long with it in my life and on some level she knew, but at the same time it might be nice for her to understand her role (both good and bad) in this whole process. Bottom line is that I need to be here to improve my life and I need the support to become the good man that I know is in there. I look back to before PMO when I was 18 or 19 and I was so filled with confidence and energy...it have been 15 years since that good man has been around. He's coming back!!!
Goodman, it's great to hear from you. One word came to my mind as I read your post. Growth, it's going to take a long time to get over this man and it's not going to be easy. To be completely honest at day 9 the worst is probably yet to come with cravings and urges most people say week 2 and 3 are the worst but it's different for everyone. I think part of the frustration you're having is because you created such an over inflated sex drive with the PMO that will go away with time as your brain gets back to normal. Your wife probably can sense what you're after too man I've seen it with my wife and we need to learn how to not only look at our spouses through those eyes. Do you read? If so I recommend the book the 5 love languages. It talks about 5 ways in which people give and receive love it helpful to understand what your language is as well as what your wife interprets as love because you'll probably find that they're different and 9 times out of 10 we try to love our spouse in the way we want to be loved and it seems like we keep hitting our heads against the wall when we get no response! Keep fighting man. Remember you have a choice in all this and your going to feel uncomfortable here as just like a lot of us you've used PMO to mask a lot of pain, and insecurity. Those things are going to come to the surface and need to be dealt with. Don't bite off more than you can chew though. Do one thing at a time if you want to work on getting in better shape try implementing 1 thing into your life for a couple weeks and then move forward to the next like drinking more water or something. Also, glad to hear the tumor isn't cancerous! Keep fighting man were standing with you!
Thank you richardless. Sucks to hear that the worst is yet to come but I have been reading this morning about this and I need to stop think about Stopping the behavior and starting think about what I am going to do instead. I found myself frustrated last night and previously I would go downstairs and PMO. Last night I relied on willpower alone and eventually went to sleep. I need to have things that take my mind off of self medicating. Read the quote below. I am also not sure that coming here and writing is an effective replacement behavior in that trying not to think about PMO can be a trigger for PMO. "There is a reason you use porn, beyond just getting off. Porn use can eliminate boredom. Make loneliness feel better. Help you get to sleep. Avoid nasty confrontations with your wife about sex. I call these “jobs” that porn does for you in your life. So you write down the jobs that porn does in your life. And you determine a replacement behavior. For example, let’s say you use porn to lessen loneliness when you are by yourself. So you write down, in advance, in a few quiet minutes, “if I’m home by myself I will read a book/take a walk/go to Starbucks”. You pick one of these. And this is your replacement behavior."
Hi goodman. I agree with your post. This forum is not ment as a replacement for pmo, even though some people will use this to prevent failing. It is however very important to replace the pmo time with constructive things. Therefore I am on this forum for a max. set time and try to encourage others. For helping others is constructive behavior. Then I'm off again trying to live the live I was allways supposed to live. As for writing down behaviors, I do that too. I force myself to write down at least 3 things that I need to do for myself which will make me feel better. Like: 1. today I buy a paper, make coffee and just sit and read and drink. For I am worth that effort. 2. I will clean up my desk. (only my desk, the key is to make the task not 2 big so they don't feel daunting) 3. I will read at least 1 chapter of Sherlock Holmes (a good, but difficult book, so my brain is screaming at me: do something simpeler! But I'm worth reading a classic like that so I will read!) 4. Encourage 3 new people on nofap. Reply to messages, max time: 45 min. If I have a lot of spare time I will make some bigger plans as well, as in your post.
