Comments on Profile Post by Halpherisdusfrey

in fandom. [trigger, i should put this in the status] And after that, that's a rabbit hole i fell in. And there're 3 relapse in a day, to be sincere. That's every time i go to the Incognito Mode for 'looking for drawing reference', but actually that's P basically.

So i ended up saving some dozens of gifs b&w, which has the angle i need to have a view how it is drawn basically. But it's tricky. I have to separate gifs due to its angle. It's still tricky but at least i know i have to define what angle i need before go into the folder contains the illegal gifs.

I want to tell this out, cause i want to be completely honest about this journey. So every relapse has its cause. And when know the cause and the solution, it'll be dodged next time well.

This is the cause: So i know the last source of those 'illegal stuff' i can actually enjoy without PMO is ... fanfic, right? and it's nothing really about visual, it's about imagination, but since it's fiction and basically my writer created it from her mind so i can understand - and actually i learn new End words too, that's a chance to enjoy the plot and learn new words - I'm not native speaker either.

I'm not here to argue but to tell my story, my context, i don't really being here to create conflicts @@ sorry if you have different ideas than me but we're all different, i don't mean to hurt or to argue anyone here, no no, please understand @@

So the 'fanfic' has the 'hot chapter' (it's clearly), and i want to create art based on the scene, to my writer to put in her fic. I like to draw too. but since it's nsfw and i as always want to have enough reference sources to draw details exactly, so i must, must go on Incognito mode. It's tricky, cause when it's nsfw, i can't restrain go there, it's real tricky and dangerous, took a toll of my mental afterwards.

And that's the rabbit hole. So i notice my heart race is higher, there're few consequences i see.

I lost sense of time. No focus or anything. Mind-drift, brain-fog as always like every relapse before, nothing's new. And 3 relapses this time in a day. [trigger, P*rn] And worse, it escalated to a point i search for 'nsfw asmr', then P-hub was forbidden site, i go open 2 tabs of a P-hub creator (on another website), and then to for the third relapse.

After a 53-day streak, actually i don't count days since i want it to a life-time, but since there's a relapse so i count days. before that was 63 and 45 day streak. But i know i have enough REASONS and DRIVE, to end this PMO thing and live the Nofap lifestyle, but then something holds me back.

But after all, i have to use that ref folder right as its purpose served me. It sounds not that cool i know, but it's the only way i have there. I just hope that my "way into danger" can help my self in the future not to go in the Incognito Mode again. The future is unknown but i try my best not to go there... I hope i can handle this.

This story may cause you some distress, i know, please be cautious reading and taking in the information.