20+ years of experience (sic!)

warning: very long post, apologies. English is not my mother tongue, so grammar could be improved.

Hi all, new here, obviously. 38 years old, been watching pornography and masturbating with it for 20+ years. In fact, I won't exaggerate when I say that I don't remember not having pornography in my life. I don't remember how it started, but it became a compulsion very quick I presume. 7 days ago, when checking YouTube for interesting stuff while cooking dinner, I came across one of Gary Wilson's presentations; I said to myself "oh, it's long form, so I can take my time cooking and I might learn something new today". I had no dinner that day. I bought his book immediately after watching his presentation and read it in one sitting. I got scared, cried like never before and felt so much anger towards myself, embarrassment and shame: the elephant was in my browser and I didn't see it... for 20+ years.

Timeline:
I started in my late teens, dial-up days, around '97 I believe. I left home from 2000, when I was 18, and didn't move back in with my parents for more than a month ever since. Most of the time I lived alone, a short period with a girl that eventually became my wife for a brief time. From 2000 until about a week ago, with brief exceptions, I can say I've been watching porn every day. Going on business trips or travelling alone was the best, as I was alone, with high-speed internet and ready to spend the nights as I effin' wanted; couldn't wait for my wife to go for coffee with her friends. First sexual experience should have been a sign: no pressure at all. Sex is, to this day, an experience I can translate as "meh". A chore, maybe? First girlfriend dumped me by cheating. Second girlfriend, after 4 years became my wife; 2 years after getting married, she cheated and we divorced. I can understand now that I probably made them suffer pretty badly, and I have no words for how sorry I now feel. Third girlfriend was cheating with me on her husband (pattern?); we broke up. I basically had no sex in the past 2 years, because I had pornography to release the pressure. Any other attempt of having a relationship has failed dramatically. I have no friends that I can rely on, most of the people I know consider me to be an acquaintance or a work colleague, but I can't rely on them in need. I don't talk to my family.

General symptoms:
- seeing women as objects of sexual desire and pleasure;
- needy, lacking self-worth, no confidence, no self-esteem, complete lack of self care, self love and self trust, no energy, no motivation, no will power;
- severe acne and poor general health, lack of vitality;
- severe anxiety, severe depression, regular burnouts; I was on SSRIs for 7 years, a month ago I was diagnosed again with severe depression;
- anger, resentment, fear, some OCD, various addictive behaviours.

Advice received
I discussed my sexual life with psychotherapists and doctors, but in general the advice was "as long as it's not negatively impacting your life, it's not a problem, it's actually a problem if you inhibit it!" How do you know it's negatively impacting your life? "When you cannot function, say like an alcoholic that needs his drink at 8am to wake up". I assessed that I am not addicted to pornography, it's a healthy release, right? Wrong.

Motivation:
Do I need any motivation in respect to the above? Immediately after I was diagnosed with severe depression I decided that I cannot accept such a diagnosis and I must change some things. I heard about nofap before, but never gave it real attention; in the end, according to my psychotherapist, it was a healthy behaviour!

Nevertheless, I reduced my porn consumption, first by moving away from video and relying on static images of non-sexual content; basically photos of naked women only. Within two weeks I stopped drinking alcohol entirely, to the point where I opened the beer bottle and wondered why I did that. I almost stopped biting my nails (severe anxiety), I cleaned my flat like never before and I cooked much much more often; I went out more often with (lady) colleagues for work lunches and enjoyed the conversation like never before.

Since last Saturday, after I got scared:
- I have not seen any naked women (neither in real life, nor on my computer) nor any pornographic material;
- I masturbated twice in the first two days and felt quite shit about it, such an empty feeling. Since 5 days ago, I touched the penis only for cleaning purposes;
- my gym attendance has been exemplary for the past 5 days, on the clock, 8am, for 2+ hours each time; in the past I'd skip because I felt tired;
- seeing in colour (metaphorically), acne is almost entirely gone, noticing being seen by girls more often with eye contact for longer periods of time;
- processed so many emotions of the past in the last 7 days that my anger has subsided almost entirely, longer fuse;
- I can sit alone for several hours at a time without feeling that I want to escape;
- my suicidal thoughts have ceased entirely (though this one is odd, since realising that I've wasted a good portion of my life should make me more suicidal, right?);
- I read two books that I kept postponing, on top of Gary's.

Conclusion
Some will say that it takes time to reboot, to see any change. But I believe that because I got very scared and realising how much time I have wasted, how much damage I inflicted on the girls that were dear to me and how much of my potential has been truly and irreversibly wasted, I basically have no option but to run like mad from pornography; even if my depression is not linked to pornography, there's no harm in ditching it.

Epilogue
I'm now 38. I realise how much of my time I've wasted and how much damage I've done to people around me; I could consider I was an abuser. If bringing my brain to normality takes time, I might find it difficult if not impossible to turn my life around to such a degree that I can find it fulfilling. I'm scared of not being able to become a caring partner to anyone and a good father (I have no partner and I have no kids). I realise this is a rather illogic thought, but it motivates me to run as fast as I can from this situation.

If you're younger than me, please see the above as a wake-up call; don't wait until you become as desperate as me to quit pornography. If you're older than me and stuck on pornography, I can feel the pain you're going through. Escaping from dealing with your emotional pain by turning to pornography is a dead end. Process your emotional pain by sitting with your emotions, half an hour a day, alone, in quietude; it hurts, it' hell, but it's the only effective way out.

Peace!