23 year-old newbie

Good luck bro! You're in the right place.

 

Hey dude, just wanna I think I can relate a bit. I turn 22 in a month and I've been on the PMO train since I first encountered the stuff over 10 years ago. I couldn't admit I had a problem until recently, and that's at least step one.

I went into a pretty deep depression about this time last year. I got the chance to start dating a girl I was very much attracted to, and she ended up giving me three chances when it came to sex. I had porn-related ED all three times. Straight noodle status, even when my mind was thinking nothing but sex. All because the exaggerated, gross shit I had been watching for years on the internet was more important to me than her. She tried to understand, but she couldn't. This was the third girl I'd done this to since coming to college. So not only had I failed to lose the dreaded v-card, I struck out swinging three straight times.

So to ease the pain, more PMO, which only led to more emptiness and more pain. I still don't know how I kept it together at school that semester. Suicidal thoughts haunted me all day, and I absolutely hated myself. I turned away from the support of my friends. I smoked weed to dull my senses as much as possible, and scraped together some shit grades. I sort of just accepted my fate, that I'd be a porn-addicted loner for my entire life.

Fast forward to this year. First I found a part-time job that at least kept me busy so I can't binge for hours and hours. Next, I managed to get a few runs of 2-3 weeks PMO-free and I could definitely see the benefits. Even those small victories gave me some hope. Then finally it was the relapses that helped me admit I had a problem and commit to my new 90-day mission. Allow me to explain. Taking two weeks off from porn helped me level out my mood, regain some motivation, look slightly healthier, etc. Then the relapse made me feel disgusting, like I had completely lost control. Now I've experimented with various rec drugs in my time at college, because let's be real I wouldn't be here if I didn't have an interest in addictive things. But that first big relapse experience was a more intense high than I've ever experienced with any substance. That's when I knew for sure this habit had changed me, when I found myself up at 4:30 in the morning next to my laptop feeling like the absolute king of the world...in the dark...alone...for about 10 whole seconds.

Idk if any of that helps but I just thought I'd share my experience, how I picked myself up out of a hopeless state of mind. I just don't want those dramatic highs and lows in my life any more, it's just not worth it.