About me: I´ve been numbing myself with porn for the past 10 years. Last year after browsing reddit I stumbled over this subreddit and a lot of things became very clear back then. I developed depression, tinnitus, brain fog, very low self esteem, tiredness, problems with my thyroid and a lot more things just because I was watching porn and fapping to it 3 times a day for 10 years. I believed no PMO could help myself a lot in changing and getting better health wise. And it did. I instantly went on to a 70 days no PMO streak and it felt pretty good. The heavy brainfog from porn use vanished, overall my depression lifted quite a lot. But there was still something I couldn´t fetch, something inside me that made me so extremely vulnernable, lonely and angry. Even though I made social contacts everytime I come home I get struck down by this crazy emptiness and sadness inside of me. Over the past 10 years I developed a lot of addictions. Gaming on my computer, drinking alcohol, browsing the internet, watching porn. I think I was trying to get away from whatever emotions/feelings I couldn´t live with anymore. It is said that childhood trauma can make you an addict basically because you are so hurt and you can´t stand this pain anymore so you try to distract yourself. Now I know those feelings were coming from my childhood. Feelings of loneliness, being abandoned, being angry, stubborn. Those emotions always come back when I suffer, when someone (my ex) leaves me or when I´m on my own. What happened in the past year? What changed for the better? As i was saying i was deeply addicted to all kinds of things but I´ve been fighting a lot and things got better. Note that I´ve literally stopped living 10 years ago and I was sitting in my room 24/7 when I wasn´t working, fapping to porn, drinking alcohol and playing video games. So here is what I achieved in this past year. - I bascially cut out porn completely in this past 1 year - I stopped the compulsive masturbating - I´ve been on a few 20 days streaks - My depression has lifted dramatically - Thoughts of killing myself almost completely vanished - I´ve been doing bouldering (a sort of climbing) a lot and I´ve been meeting a lot of people some I can call good friends now - I learned myself to play the guitar - I had some relationship with a girl and I´ve been talking to girls a lot more in this past year What is going to happen in the future? I am unemployeed since October so I´m going to find a new job soon. I´ve decided to get a shrink and he told me to do a rehab so I can work on my childhood trauma. So I´m starting rehab on the 15th and I`m pretty sure things will get even more better for me. I can´t wait! My streak I´ve made it to 30 days today on my birthday. I thought I`m worth it to myself. I`m the only one on this planet who can make myself happy. So why not start living a life? A few benefits: - depression is weaker - suicidal thoughts almost gone - better eye contact - can talk to people without stuttering - I can enjoy myself more Emotions coming to the surface This past year I`ve been having encounters with people that can feel my sadness and anger. They literally avoid eye contact with me and therefor I avoid eye contact with them so it makes the situation even more messed up. My brother for example things I don´t like him. How fucked up is this? I´ve been feeling this extreme aura of anger surrounding me and almost everybody I´m looking in the eyes can feel it. Its hard to deal with. To some people I say "I`m just having a rough time at the moment so please forgive me if i´m staring a lot". Most of the times just telling people makes it a lot easier for both of us. I´m sure this will get harder in the future as I´ve been numbing myself a lot in the past 10 years and those emotions are coming out now. I´ve been having anger attacks where I demolished my notebook and I´m having a lot of anger towards woman when they refuse to be with me. Those feelings really need to be dealt with and I´m happy I can do this on the rehab i´m joining soon. Never give up, life is too precious to just throw it away.