30 days and emotions

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Out of the Furnace, May 6, 2018.

  1. Out of the Furnace

    Out of the Furnace Fapstronaut

    About me:

    I´ve been numbing myself with porn for the past 10 years. Last year after browsing reddit I stumbled over this subreddit and a lot of things became very clear back then. I developed depression, tinnitus, brain fog, very low self esteem, tiredness, problems with my thyroid and a lot more things just because I was watching porn and fapping to it 3 times a day for 10 years. I believed no PMO could help myself a lot in changing and getting better health wise. And it did.

    I instantly went on to a 70 days no PMO streak and it felt pretty good. The heavy brainfog from porn use vanished, overall my depression lifted quite a lot. But there was still something I couldn´t fetch, something inside me that made me so extremely vulnernable, lonely and angry. Even though I made social contacts everytime I come home I get struck down by this crazy emptiness and sadness inside of me.

    Over the past 10 years I developed a lot of addictions. Gaming on my computer, drinking alcohol, browsing the internet, watching porn. I think I was trying to get away from whatever emotions/feelings I couldn´t live with anymore. It is said that childhood trauma can make you an addict basically because you are so hurt and you can´t stand this pain anymore so you try to distract yourself. Now I know those feelings were coming from my childhood. Feelings of loneliness, being abandoned, being angry, stubborn. Those emotions always come back when I suffer, when someone (my ex) leaves me or when I´m on my own.

    What happened in the past year? What changed for the better?

    As i was saying i was deeply addicted to all kinds of things but I´ve been fighting a lot and things got better. Note that I´ve literally stopped living 10 years ago and I was sitting in my room 24/7 when I wasn´t working, fapping to porn, drinking alcohol and playing video games.

    So here is what I achieved in this past year.

    - I bascially cut out porn completely in this past 1 year
    - I stopped the compulsive masturbating
    - I´ve been on a few 20 days streaks
    - My depression has lifted dramatically
    - Thoughts of killing myself almost completely vanished
    - I´ve been doing bouldering (a sort of climbing) a lot and I´ve been meeting a lot of people some I can call good friends now
    - I learned myself to play the guitar
    - I had some relationship with a girl and I´ve been talking to girls a lot more in this past year

    What is going to happen in the future?

    I am unemployeed since October so I´m going to find a new job soon. I´ve decided to get a shrink and he told me to do a rehab so I can work on my childhood trauma. So I´m starting rehab on the 15th and I`m pretty sure things will get even more better for me. I can´t wait!

    My streak

    I´ve made it to 30 days today on my birthday. I thought I`m worth it to myself. I`m the only one on this planet who can make myself happy. So why not start living a life?

    A few benefits:

    - depression is weaker
    - suicidal thoughts almost gone
    - better eye contact
    - can talk to people without stuttering
    - I can enjoy myself more

    Emotions coming to the surface

    This past year I`ve been having encounters with people that can feel my sadness and anger. They literally avoid eye contact with me and therefor I avoid eye contact with them so it makes the situation even more messed up. My brother for example things I don´t like him. How fucked up is this? I´ve been feeling this extreme aura of anger surrounding me and almost everybody I´m looking in the eyes can feel it. Its hard to deal with. To some people I say "I`m just having a rough time at the moment so please forgive me if i´m staring a lot". Most of the times just telling people makes it a lot easier for both of us. I´m sure this will get harder in the future as I´ve been numbing myself a lot in the past 10 years and those emotions are coming out now. I´ve been having anger attacks where I demolished my notebook and I´m having a lot of anger towards woman when they refuse to be with me. Those feelings really need to be dealt with and I´m happy I can do this on the rehab i´m joining soon.

    Never give up, life is too precious to just throw it away.
  2. Atrium_Guy

    Atrium_Guy Fapstronaut

    Great work man - it really sounds like this process WORKS for you - so keep going with it. From an outside, it feels like massive improvements across the board. Really happy for you....and happy birthday!
    Pastoress likes this.
  3. James0224

    James0224 Fapstronaut

    This is completely me with porn and social media. I feel pain or loneliness and I do not want to actually face it and deal with it so I turn to my addictions instead. Thanks for articulating it so clearly - it helps.

    Congrats on your journey and I wish you the best for the future and rehab.
  4. Out of the Furnace

    Out of the Furnace Fapstronaut

    thank you! it absolutely works for me, i´m turning my life around.
    what about you?
  5. Out of the Furnace

    Out of the Furnace Fapstronaut

    one day you will have to face it! if you don´t you are getting stuck and you don´t improve anymore. thats what happened to me. if you can´t do it on your own, get professional help. but please think about your life and how you´re destroying it with heavy PMO usage. if you need anything PM me. good luck! =)

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