30 days and emotions

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Out of the Furnace, May 6, 2018.

  1. Out of the Furnace

    Out of the Furnace Fapstronaut

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    About me:

    I´ve been numbing myself with porn for the past 10 years. Last year after browsing reddit I stumbled over this subreddit and a lot of things became very clear back then. I developed depression, tinnitus, brain fog, very low self esteem, tiredness, problems with my thyroid and a lot more things just because I was watching porn and fapping to it 3 times a day for 10 years. I believed no PMO could help myself a lot in changing and getting better health wise. And it did.

    I instantly went on to a 70 days no PMO streak and it felt pretty good. The heavy brainfog from porn use vanished, overall my depression lifted quite a lot. But there was still something I couldn´t fetch, something inside me that made me so extremely vulnernable, lonely and angry. Even though I made social contacts everytime I come home I get struck down by this crazy emptiness and sadness inside of me.

    Over the past 10 years I developed a lot of addictions. Gaming on my computer, drinking alcohol, browsing the internet, watching porn. I think I was trying to get away from whatever emotions/feelings I couldn´t live with anymore. It is said that childhood trauma can make you an addict basically because you are so hurt and you can´t stand this pain anymore so you try to distract yourself. Now I know those feelings were coming from my childhood. Feelings of loneliness, being abandoned, being angry, stubborn. Those emotions always come back when I suffer, when someone (my ex) leaves me or when I´m on my own.

    What happened in the past year? What changed for the better?

    As i was saying i was deeply addicted to all kinds of things but I´ve been fighting a lot and things got better. Note that I´ve literally stopped living 10 years ago and I was sitting in my room 24/7 when I wasn´t working, fapping to porn, drinking alcohol and playing video games.

    So here is what I achieved in this past year.

    - I bascially cut out porn completely in this past 1 year
    - I stopped the compulsive masturbating
    - I´ve been on a few 20 days streaks
    - My depression has lifted dramatically
    - Thoughts of killing myself almost completely vanished
    - I´ve been doing bouldering (a sort of climbing) a lot and I´ve been meeting a lot of people some I can call good friends now
    - I learned myself to play the guitar
    - I had some relationship with a girl and I´ve been talking to girls a lot more in this past year

    What is going to happen in the future?

    I am unemployeed since October so I´m going to find a new job soon. I´ve decided to get a shrink and he told me to do a rehab so I can work on my childhood trauma. So I´m starting rehab on the 15th and I`m pretty sure things will get even more better for me. I can´t wait!

    My streak

    I´ve made it to 30 days today on my birthday. I thought I`m worth it to myself. I`m the only one on this planet who can make myself happy. So why not start living a life?

    A few benefits:

    - depression is weaker
    - suicidal thoughts almost gone
    - better eye contact
    - can talk to people without stuttering
    - I can enjoy myself more

    Emotions coming to the surface

    This past year I`ve been having encounters with people that can feel my sadness and anger. They literally avoid eye contact with me and therefor I avoid eye contact with them so it makes the situation even more messed up. My brother for example things I don´t like him. How fucked up is this? I´ve been feeling this extreme aura of anger surrounding me and almost everybody I´m looking in the eyes can feel it. Its hard to deal with. To some people I say "I`m just having a rough time at the moment so please forgive me if i´m staring a lot". Most of the times just telling people makes it a lot easier for both of us. I´m sure this will get harder in the future as I´ve been numbing myself a lot in the past 10 years and those emotions are coming out now. I´ve been having anger attacks where I demolished my notebook and I´m having a lot of anger towards woman when they refuse to be with me. Those feelings really need to be dealt with and I´m happy I can do this on the rehab i´m joining soon.


    Never give up, life is too precious to just throw it away.
     
  2. Atrium_Guy

    Atrium_Guy Fapstronaut

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    Great work man - it really sounds like this process WORKS for you - so keep going with it. From an outside, it feels like massive improvements across the board. Really happy for you....and happy birthday!
     
    Pastoress likes this.
  3. James0224

    James0224 Fapstronaut

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    This is completely me with porn and social media. I feel pain or loneliness and I do not want to actually face it and deal with it so I turn to my addictions instead. Thanks for articulating it so clearly - it helps.

    Congrats on your journey and I wish you the best for the future and rehab.
     
  4. Out of the Furnace

    Out of the Furnace Fapstronaut

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    thank you! it absolutely works for me, i´m turning my life around.
    what about you?
     
  5. Out of the Furnace

    Out of the Furnace Fapstronaut

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    one day you will have to face it! if you don´t you are getting stuck and you don´t improve anymore. thats what happened to me. if you can´t do it on your own, get professional help. but please think about your life and how you´re destroying it with heavy PMO usage. if you need anything PM me. good luck! =)
     

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