33 years old virgin, trying to rebuild

Hello,

First, I want to inform that I'm not native english, I'll try my best to be understandable and that might be a long read, sorry.
I know many people in the world and going through much harder issues, and yet I'm not fine.
I write this here because there is nowhere else I can express myself, I'm actually exposing myself here, hoping people won't be too hard with me, especilly women, if there ever are some here.

I'm a 33 years old man, nearly 34, and never had sex in my whole life, never had a girlfriend.
Actually my life is a complete disaster, I'm alone, I have no friends, no job and never built anything in my life...
Untill recently, I was in complete denial, comforting myself with the illusion that maybe I wasn't the happiest person, but I wasn't unhappy either.
Playing video game was the easy way to forget my situation.
I didn't have a girlfriend but I'd never have one anyway so porn was more than enough.

I've been in that denial for 10 more years after my last failures, before I finally woke up, if that ever lasts.
I don't know why, but the last friend that I have just dragged me out of my home for two days, and that alone connected me back to reality.
My very comfortable armor is cracked, and about to break.
I was giving the illusion of confidence with it, but I don't want it anymore.
it is false and heavy, not letting me move on.
Although the reality now hurts, at least I feel that pain is giving me the motivation to change.
I've started getting my life back on track again (if it ever was).
I'm seeing a work psychologist to find a new professional activity, doing sport, started a diet to fix my slight weight issue (nothing too drastic), learning cooking, became volonteer in an association to help wild animals that I love in general, everything in a short time, hope it will last.
And of course girls and sex...That is coming back to my mind.
Actually I think that envy is the true driving force behind my new efforts.
Otherwise I don't think I would have done anything to try fixing my situation.

But then I noticed my libido wasn't great, and that I would not be able to have any relation if I kept my habits.
4 to 6 masturbation a day, in front of porn.
Even when I wasn't in the mood at all, I had to, the habbit was so strong.
Masturbating was also a way to silence my permanent anxiety, I realize that more now.
It was actually very convenient: this drained me from any kind of desire for a real person.
If I didn't feel anything for any girl, then I would not have to care.
It was easier to pretend I woudl always fail any attempt with a woman than trying.
I've been a NoFap for 2 days, and this is almost unbearable, the urge to masturbate is hard to resist, and sex is alwready becoming a real obsession, it never was before.
Porn is not an issue however, it barely did anything to me anymore.
I want to touch a real human being, not to keep staring at those stupid pixels.

I will sound pretentious, but I'm a beautiful man.
Women has often been looking at me, and some even tried to talk to me (not lately because I don't go out much, and I'm not really paying attention to my look).
But beauty is not enough, I've always been terribly shy and lacking of self confidence.
Being a virgin ten years ago was very embarrassing.
But now that I am 33 years old, there is no word to describe the shame I feel.
It's like I'm only half a man trying to forget the situation.
Approching a woman was alwready hard enough, now this is just impossible, no one could hear this.
And even if I had to do an attempt, I would not even know how to kiss a girl.
It's like a big lock on a chain, and I need to break it to go on.
You will answer me that it might not be the source of all my complexes...maybe, but maybe not, I feel I need to get this through.

I'm not going to wait for the right person that might never come, I've waited enough, I need to act, but I can't with a woman in real life.
So I'm serioulsy thinking of meeting an escort girl, not to only take pleasure, but to learn how to give it in return, to get some of the self confidence I lack back, and catch up all the time I wasted.
Like exorcising old demons you know.
I just hope I won't have an issue to have an errection.
I alwready see an improvement with only 2 days of NoFap, I can't get an erection alone, need stimulation, but when it's there, it's there.
I wonder if it's too soon ? Am I allowed to have real sex during a NoFap period ?
I haven't watched porn, but I could not resist looking at pictures of beautiful women, dressed, or in underwear, but not naked (and of course touching myself a little bit, but just to check if there was any improvements).
I alwready find them much more exciting that porn.
I don't know if this is allowed for a brain reboot though ?
I know I sound like a sex maniac, but day 2 is alwready really hard with no masturbation.

I've had other addictions that I've been through:
alcohol, drugs, cigarets, the last was food.
They all were an escape for my anxiety.
But I defeated them all, and now I'm going to kick Fap in the a** !

Sorry for the journal entry, I don't know if anyone will read this, but I'm not doing this just to confess, writting this is also a liberation and a testament for myself.
I really hope I will not go back to my old ways, I've alwready waisted my whole life to this point, I hope it's not too late, and that I haven't waisted everything.
Your second life begins when you realize you only have one.

 

Hello, thanks for your fast anwer.
And no I'm not religious at all, religion has nothing to do with my issues.

I'm still thinking of that escort girl.
I found one that hit me like a lightning strike, I can't stop thinking of her.
She's like my idealized woman for a first act, a milf older than me, she would make me feel younger.
But she is a gem don't get me wrong.
Also I'll consider her like a human being, I will need to talk first, like you do when you first meet.

I could loose self confidence if something goes wrong, yes that is a possibility.
On the other hand I haven't seized opportunities in my life, never done anything.
I think it might be better to try and fail, then not tempting anything.

On top of that, she's not staying for long in the region.
I feel she's like sent from the heaven for me...maybe I'm idealizing a litle bit...

 

Thank you for you warm words !
And I agree that I really need to get rid of my virgin issue.
I will try to follow you advices, no pictures at all, no touching, 2 weeks before any real sex test.
I would wait more, but the beauty I talked about is leaving soon, and I really want her :/
I think I'll try a performance pill or something.
I know this can become an addiction too, but I definitely don't want that first time to be a failure (especially if I pay for it), better keep all the chances on my side.

 

Hello,

Thanks for your support comments, I've been reading them all but did not answer just yet because I did not want to get influenced too much for my final decision.
So as you have guessed, I planned a meeting with an escort, I was hyped at first.

The NoFap experience was continuing its fustrating and yet liberating course.
I did not have anyway to suppress my anxiety, that I used to silence with different addictions, the current one being Fap and porn.
Each time I defeated one (druggs, alcohol, smoke, food), it just changed into a new, because if you only kill the symptoms, the symptoms change into a new addiction, that's how it works until you treat the real source I think.
BUT, that stress gave me so much energy and will to change that I felt relieved.
Despite feeling anxious all the time, I was in a better mood with people, and kinder with my relatives.
But as time went on, I still felt the urge of my body, and also the stress that I might not be able to get an erection for my first escort session.
So I made some tests, red some ererotic writtings on the net about my fantasm, and came across a porn video by accident.
It was in front of my eyes, I could not resist watching it.
I masturbated just a little, and tried to stop each time I went too far (I don't know if it's cheating), but despite my efforts I ended up slightly ejaculating (sorry for the details).
So I guess I failed the NoFap challenge after 8 days, and it seems I'm not completely done with porn contrary what I thought, I don't care much about most porn videos anymore, but there are still some specific amateur ones that attract me.
I hope I'll be able to realize those fantaisies in real life one day

Anyway I did not felt super well after that, because my zombie self without motivation came back, and I don't want to be that man again ever.
Hopefully it will go away soon.
Yet it made me think a bit about that NoFap thing.
I don't think I have any real errection issues, just too much compulsive masturbating.
So instead of stopping everything altogether, I think I'll do it less.
When it becomes too intense after some days, I supress the urge, and not too many times.
I might manage to find a balance that way, I don't think there should be a universal Nofap programm, every one needs to have its own.
The good thing is that I now know I can hold a week.
Besides, FAP is not my real issue, I know what it is, and FAP is only one way to make me forget it.

And the day for the escort was about to come, I went through different mood and opinions.
Thought I did not want anymore, then I wanted again, but in a very pragmatic way, I was not idealizing this at all.
I just wanted to learn.
So I weighted the pros and cons:
I don't think I can learn anything worth during 1 hour, and then the MST risk came to my mind.
There is no way I add yet just another problem at the top of all the issues I alwready have.
I'm probably silly, because there are condoms, but what if it breaks ? There isn't 0 risk.
And oral without condom sucks, and I also want to learn kissing, but there isn't 0 risk there either.
What the point if I can't kiss the girl ?
Besides escort girls are just improved prostitutes, MST is still a threat.
Well I don't know if anything of these are excuses (and I'm not even talking about covid being more and more active again in my country >< and me often in contact with my aged parents, would I assume the fact I could potentially kill them just to empty my balls ?), if those fear were well founded, but they did worry me, so I cancelled.
I hope the gal is not too pissed at me ><

I don't think I would have learned much in 1 hour anyway, and I'll probably find a better use for those 300 dollars.
Why not that fitness coach I've been interested in ?
Or the dance lessons I've thought of getting to be more comfortable at parties ?
Or buying a smartphone ! I'm so old school I don't even have one yet ! How am I supposed to get my girls without it ?
Oh and I also learned I have a fat dick since I had a hard time putting those XL condoms, I guess there is always that...
I still got the pills from my doctor, who knows if it can be handy sometimes...

But I'm still a virgin, and probably about to hang myself though.
Tinder app is really what I aim for, but it's no place for a stupid virgin like me, who would want me ?
No one.

 

So, almost one year has passed and I just wanted to update this.
I of course gave up my nofap and no porn routine, but with a new year of confinement, it was just a bad timing, I knew I would not make it under those conditions.
Therefore I haven't really red anything else on that forum, or participated in any other topics.
I know that confession here is selfish, but maybe can it help someone in the same situation ?

I waited for the pandemic situation to be a little bit better here, and to get those vaccination shots before doing anything else.
I finally decided to get rid of my virginity, and for that, seing an escort.
I held 8 days with NoFap to build a sex desire.
I hadn't felt so good in a while with that sex drive in me, even when I wasn't thinking of sex.
I made sure to pick the proper escort, and followed the advices of a trustworthy forum of people who like to see prostitutes and such...
I blinded followed those recommendations because all I had from her was a blurry picture, and I did not bother to ask for a real one, a big mistake.
When I arrived, I was immediately unpleased with her face.
And yet, for some reason, I stayed.
The anticipation of the loss of my virginity was so big, it had to be the day, I could not consider going back home as I left it.
I talked a bit with her about my situation with a glass of champagne, and even if she was quite nice to me, I did not really enjoy the turn of our conversation that focuses more on technical aspects of sex, than just a natural felling making me comfortable, and turning up the heat.
One big problem is that I could not feel any desire from her, eventhough I considered myself a much more beautiful man than she was as a women, but of course how could it be otherwise from a paid relation ?
But she could have at least faked it.
After some clumsy attempt of kissing and touching ourselves, proving me even more that she wasn't attracted at all, and that I did not want to put my tongue in her mouth, she proceded to give me a blowjob with a condom (I insisted for that protection).
That's where the delusion reveals itself with the hard comeback to reality: I could not feel anything.
I still had a hard on, but I just could not believe the lack of sensations.
I then made my biggest mistake: getting rid of the condom, to make sure it wasn't the issue.
I knew she was only a casual escort, and me getting a bit tipsy did not help my judgement either, so I thought there were not much risks...
But it did not change anything, no pleasure at all.
I faked a bit to hide my displeasure, and she told me she was impressed I hold so long...of course I do, I think she could have blowed me an hour long and I still would not ejaculate...
She stopped and I asked to fuck her because...I had to, obiously not because I wanted to...
Fortunately enough, this time my body did not answer this request, and I could not even put another condom to penetrate her, the erection was over, and we ended this meeting.
I did not cum, but in the end, I was glad it did not happen, a first time with that girl woman would have been terrible.
I left a bit relieved, but the frustration came back quite quickly.
I did not feel any sexual attraction, and I had to know if it was because of her, or because I was enable to make love to someone.
I then quickly contacted another escort based on physical criteras this time.
I met her one day latter, and that girl was quite the opposite: a real model, absolutely beautiful, but taller than me, which was a mistake, and her english was really bad, preventing good communication.
I obviously chose her a little to fast.
Litle kisses and touches, and she sucked me too.
Still pretty bad, the typical babe of my dream I usually watch blowing morrons in my porn movies, doing it to me for real, the moment I have been waiting all my life, and I can't feel any excitement at all.
We then went onto the bed, but she just could not ride me, I wasn't hard enough, but she did not try very hard either, I had to ask her to caress me, and it became clear she was a beginner in escorting, or she just did not want to be helpfull.
I decided to change position and to fuck her in doggy, and this time I could penetrate her.
The issue is: I could not feel anything either, even worst than the blowjob.
I lasted a minute or two, and stopped, she tried to give me a fellatio again, but a useless effort, it made me loose my erection.
So I just ended this by masturbating on porn movies from my phone instead of looking at the real girl, and it worked out better ><
I tried to blast her face like in those clips, but missed it for the most part for some reason, probably for her relief.
I did not even get an orgasm, but I faked it.

At the end of the day, I began to feel my ureta burning.
I immediately thought of the first girl that gave me a blowjob without condom, and it began to scare me.
I made some tests, and the first results were negative, but I am waiting for more.
I hope I don't have a STD, and that I did not pass it to the 2nd girl, which really was reckless from me, I have to admit.
Everything was protected with her though, except the facial part, but she barely got any on her face...
I'm sorry about that, I just could not think straight after the first escort experience...

I learned some lessons there.
From the first escort:

- I lack of self confidence, but I have the right to refuse something if I don't want to, and I have the right to be demanding If I consider I deserve better.
I must not stay that passive, if I don't want, I don't want.
- And of course, always wear a condom even during a blowjob, especially from an escort !

From the second escort:

Of course she was too tall for me, of course she could not speak well, she felt like a beginner, and like the first girl she did not desire me.
I learned that I need to be desired, and I can take pleasure if money is asked for that.
I also can't do that with a complete stranger, I need to know the personn and care for her.
But despite all of that, I think I should have felt at least a "little thing" during our relations.
NOTHING, I just can't believe how BAD sex really is.
After all the talk we can have about it, all the tv movies, the porn movies and so on...in the end this is no big deal, sex is just...THAT...

I'm disappointed, but I don't regret to have tried the escorts.
I had to know, and no one would have convinced me otherwise.
I think I can stop being obssessed with sex for now.

I don't even know if I am considered to be a virgin anymore, but I feel I still am, because obviously your real first time is with someone you actually like a little bit, and that likes you too in return.
All I did was putting my dick in a fucking machine...
And yet, I still feel more confident and freed, because I had a glimpse of sex.
I felt like an idiot before for being the only one not knowing this, but I do a little now, great...
And it does not seem to be such a big deal, I'm not in a hurry anymore.

I of course understand now that fap addiction prevents me from enjoying normal relations.
So I will try to stick to NoFap again.
But I mean...masturbation and porn just feel so much better than this bullshit I experimented, I wonder if it is really worth giving it up if relations with normal people are that terrible...
I've been doing this for 20 years, and know nothing else, I don't even know if I can reboot myself and how long it will take or if my case is desperate.

Well anyway this terrible experience has made me want to focus on other things of my life and just forget about sex for the moment, but I know I still want to meet someone.
I kinda regret I'm not one of those guy who can go to prostitutes, fuck any stranger without feelings, and enjoy it, that would be much more simple, because I just don't know if any girl could accept a 34 years old man in my situation.
And who cares, I might even have an STD now so my sexual and sentimental life might be dead even before it even begins.

 

I've been thinking a bit...

I did not feel anything with the escorts, and been saying that sex seems to suck.
But that is probably because I'be been masturbating way too often and for too long in front of over stimulating porn.
I've lost all sensitivity to real sex, even before I had some.
I was in complete denial of my PMO issue, the more I masturbate, the more stimulation I need and need it to be more vigourous, and watch harder porn movies.

Therefore I have only one question if anyone is reading this:

Do you think I can get my sexual sensitivity back for normal relations ?
Or is it too late for me ? Is it irreversible ?

I think I will go see a professionnal sexologist for that matter, I need some help.

 

No STD, congratulation to me, woo-hou!...

 

Yes I understood that about the virginity thing, this is some bullshit from machomen or whatever.
I do lack of training in the matter, and that is the reality.
First relation was disappointing, but I do feel a bit more confident now, I just desacraliszed the thing, despite how bad it felt, I don't think about sex that often now.
It also made me stop ignoring my PMO issue, I was in denial.

And no I don't have the plan or dream to have children, I know I don't want children, at least for now.
But don't worry, I have a plan.
I was obssessed with having sex and getting a girfriend or casual sex partners.
I figured I have a long road to traver before I can get that, if I still do afterward, because of my personnal issues and PMO problem.
I still think of it of course, but I also need to work on myself.
I don't feel very motivated by screen things anymore lately...
I've been doing more physical exercices for a year now, and lost 10 kg, I need to buy new clothes haha
I'm still volontary for a wild animal association, and I really enjoy this...but a part of me feels there is a bit of selfishness in this, I'm also doing this because it feels rewarding for my personn.
But I'm usefull, and that's the most important part right ? And this is still a cause I support.
I just feel it is getting a bit insufficient, I'm just feeding the animals, release them in nature, and clean the installations.
I'd like to do more, and learn more, I'll see what I can do.
I still don't know what study or job I want to have, despite the help of a psychologist specialized in work.
So I might accept an alimentary job if I get one, but I refuse to choose a random path for a serious career untill I'm not absolutely sure, or at least more.
My psychologist thinks it is because I don't know myself enough, I need to become more satisfy of my life and try new things, so I will follow her advice.
It will soon the start of a new year in terms of activities, and I will try many things, some I've been wanting to do a long time ago...
Boxing, stretching, maybe dancing, improving my english with english lessons or meeting with foreigners, theater lessons to become less shy and improve my elocution...
This is still summer, so right now I am making a list of activities and places where I will be able to test them.
I might enjoy these , and meet people at the same time.
I hope I will have the courage to really do all these...
I might also try to get my driver's licence, this can be usefull, find a way to have my own living place and leaving my parents house (I'm really ashamed of this, and I know it's not normal at my age) and see a real psychotherapist or see a sexologist, my experience with escorts showed me I have much bigger issues than I thought, I need some answers.

I still hope I can meet someone, and become more comfortable with girls and fix my sexual issues to begin living for real...
Life is so short, and I only realize this now....

Thanks for your help StarRider, I don't know if you can help me more, maybe on the sexual and social aspects of my life, as for the rest, I think I have a good plan for now ^^

 

You really think one can't go without the other ?
We are animals so we still have to instincts and urges to have sex, implemented her to reproduce.
But at the same time, we aren't, so we have that conscionsness, and I think we can distinct the desire to have sex and children.
I don't want children so far for personnal reasons I won't explain here, but also because I don't feel the need to, I don't like children that much to begin with, nor do I like human beings that much either.
Which leads me to my other point, having children is against my intellectual opinions.
I think there are way to many humans on earth, and that this place would be a much better place to live without us.
Why do I keep talking with other people, why do I want to meet more people, and why don't I kill myself if I really hate humans, I should hate myself ><
But the truth is that you cannot be 100% misanthropist, I'm still human with my human's need, I'm just aware of our true desctructive and selfish nature, that is the paradox.

And I only removed that condom during the oral for sensation check, it's a bit of a stretch to put meanings behind that.

Yea I know I'm not an adult yet...
I don't feel the need to stay wih my parents for emotional reasons, but because it will allow me to study without worrying, once I know what to study.
Or if I find a job, I can keep all that money for myself without having to pay a rent, and it will help me fund future projects.
This is a financial strategy, but at the price of my sanity.
But that might be the right choice on the long run...I'm 34 years old without any degree or anything except the Bachelor, I cannot afford any mistake.

 

And I will do that as soon as I can, but with a plan in mind, and preparations for my new professionnal life.
Unfortunately it can take time, I cannot improvise this, I don't want to start with a shitty job or end in the streets...