34 y/o that's my story

Hi everyone,

I always had severe problems socializing with other kids. My parents where mentally ill, as a young child i felt anxious and stressed nearly all the time. As far as i remember i was about 10 yrs when i first had suicidal thoughts, and i have them nearly daily ever since.

At the age of 12 i got a floppy disk at school. Content: fake nude images of celebrities. At this time, i had no internet access. This was about the time i started experimenting with masturbation. Fapping felt like a relief. Then i got internet access, searched for more pictures, animated gif's, then the first porn tube sites established, and some girls found profitable ways how to make money by creating highly personalised content for "freaks" like me. When i look back (knowing what i know today), it is obvious that I suffered from PIED (back when i was 18 i had no clue why i experienced ED when with a girl, but not when pmo'ing). But also had two relationship with a good, satisfying sex life - i use this experiences as an anchor / goal for what i will get when quitting pmo. So, in short, this is was happend the past 20 yrs according to this topic.

Though all this time i was suffering from depression, social anxiety and panic attacks, i somehow managed to be successfull at work, get married and now have a pretty good income as well as a loving wife (though we do not have sex, which is something i tried to talk to her, but this will need some time to sort out - as i will have to recover before going for it).

In 2012 i started to realize that my anxiety and depression got worse the more i pmo'd. And i felt better the less i pmo'd. So i started to quit pmo for some days, even weeks, on and off since then. This process lead me to writing this introduction, which is an affirmation to myself that the time has come to change things for the better.

I already follow a healthy diet, quit drinking alcohol since last summer (drinking alcohol nearly always lead to pmo'ing), learned mental methods to relief stress, quit smoking and do some body exercises.

I use NoFAP as one of many methods to gain the power i need to manifest multiple changes in my life: having an active sex life with my wife, finding a way to make a living by doing something i enjoy, and as a result hopefully heal myself from those depressed, negative mindset to gain a positive attitude towards life.

Dear friends, i am thankful for this community, i wish you all the best so that you and i can enjoy our lives feeling confident and content about ourselves.