37M - Married w/2 Young Children - Need Help Please

Hello and welcome, I reckon you can overcome PMO with the right support
Have you seen the yourbrainonporn website?

 

Have you tried?
http://www.internetsafety.com/index.php

Sounds like paying for software is the least of your concerns. I feel your pain, hope this helps.

 

True. Avoidance and willpower is not enough.

The real thing is about the void you are filling through that addiction. That void needs to be filled by something else.

About keylogger etc. - I saw somewhere in here (forgot where) someone mentioning an alternative to blocking: that the URL's visited get logged somewhere else, so that someone else can peruse it.

But no matter what: these blocking/logging things are also only for the short term. If you don't get this under control, you will most likely find ways to get around it.

Also, remember it is easier to CHANGE the course of something, than to STOP it head-on.
Pay attention to the triggers (mental, emotional, physical) that lead to you watching/fapping.
When you see some patterns, set new habits in place, for diverting your energy somewhere ELSE.

 

Friend, I think you may need to take some extra steps like an honest discussion with her or involve a counselor if you are worried about divorce. Your wife needs to understand that this is a struggle that you as her man needs help with. Many men struggle with this, and there aren't many support systems in place around this. You will get all the support you need from others in their own path here, but the strongest support is from your partner inside the home. Take a moment to think about it and let us know how we can help you.

 

On Course For Divorce, man I'm rooting for you, don't mess this up. You made a good decision. Yeah its possible to break free but you need to realize that there is hope. And you create hope for yourself by planning and trusting. (Personally I put my hope and trust in God and I use the means necessary such as fasting, nofap.org, drinking water to help me get through, OpenDNS to get me through). So do what you got to do...

As for planning you need motivation, a prevention plan and a reward system.

As for prevention plan, you need to block access to bad stuff. I suggest downloading OpenDNS for your network and give her the password. I had opendns but I used to travel to my school and I was vulnerable at my school so I purchased Umbrella (its the same thing as OpenDNS but its service is available where ever you go for $20/year). Anyways, its great, it blocks all the bad websites you don't want access to... but give your wife to make the password and stuff. Also, if you have an Iphone, you can link up your Iphone to this service.

I didn't have an iphone such that i could prevent access to bad sites, so instead of using a smartphone, I downgraded my phone to a nokia phone. It helped a lot.

Next thing you need is a reminder when you are going to do something so stupid is called realizing the situation. That's what I call it because when I'm about to do it, I try my best to realize that the poor girl who is doing porn, is not smart enough to realize that she is degrading herself and she's going on video for doing this, and by me watching I'm contributing to her self-degradation. Even though she is responsible, I am partially responsible, because views generate money for her, and if she receives my views, then she is likely to receive money etc etc.. So all in all, I try to take responsibility.

Next thought I try is that you what if this was your daugther or wife on screen... enough said you want to just punch yourself. So man, I'm just telling you, you've got things I seriously want in life. You have a wife and children, I want a wife too and have some sort of support. You have that, but make sure you tell her that you need help as you already have. Reaffirm it to her, that I'm going to do this, and this is my plan. Share with her your plan. Trust me man, all she needs from you is to say that you've got this and you will take the steps necessary and say you need help on x and y parts of your plan.

You've got this!

As I was reading this I realized you're gettting support already so great job!

 

Your not alone! I am also 37 and have 2 young kids. this has been an ongoing issue with my wife for about 11 years. I totally understand where you are! I did go the extra step and I have been seeing doctor for extra support. Good luck and don't give up

 

You can do this! You have a lot on the line right now. There is no way you are going to throw your life away for a few seconds of pleasure. IT IS NOT WORTH IT! I've seen posts about K9 software to block sites. I don't know if it costs anything but at this point that shouldn't be an issue. Just keep reading and replying to posts. We are with you and understand how powerful this addiction can be. Check out YourBrainOnPorn website. There is a lot of good stuff on there. Understanding what is happening in my head helped me out big time. I haven't PMOd for 2 weeks now and that is a major accomplishment for me.
Good luck and hang in there. Fuck Porn...Let's do this!

 

Hi OnCourseForDivorce,

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

"My wife and I have had the same discussion for over 15 years now and each time I promise to stop and pay attention to her."

What's the underlying issue here? Is she complaining that you're not giving her enough emotional attention and/or that you're not having enough sex as a couple? Does she feel that you're ignoring her needs because of PMO? Is she objecting PMO use itself because it makes her feel rejected? Does she object to PMO on moral grounds? You need to understand her point of view to fix this.

I wouldn't focus on PMO alone. It sound like you both need to do some serious work on your relationship to save it.

I can really recommend Sandra Pertot's book When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (New York: Marlowe and Company, 2007)

I bought it when trying to work out sexual differences with my wife. It's available on Kindle. There are some great extracts from it on her web site www.sandrapertot.com

She describes different libido types and how they can very easily misunderstand each other. It makes the case for mutual acceptance and understanding of your differences. A lot of nofappers are probably the 'dependent' libido type who use masturbation and sexual relief to keep bad emotions at bay. Your wife probably has a different libido type if she's hostile to PMO. It would probably help her to understand why PMO has been compelling to you in the past even if you're pledging to give it up in future - it might also help her understand if you relapse.

http://www.sandrapertot.com/index.p...your-libido-type&catid=37:exercises&Itemid=61

The book isn't explicitly religious but I don't think it's anti-religious either.

Good luck and stay in touch.

 

If your wife is angry because you haven't been have enough sex then that's a problem you both really need to work on. I know what it's like to have the simmering anger of feeling sexually rejected and ignored for years and in my experience it's really, really poisonous.

You've got a lot of very intimate and honest talking ahead and some of it will be difficult but you CAN solve this if you're determined and not afraid to tell some awkward truths to each other.

 

Get started on some smaller intimacies soon even if you intercourse is not possible at the moment (intercourse is not the only way to give satisfaction to a frustrated woman in any case).