4 years Married, 1 son, 1 baby on the way. Need support to end this destructive habit.

Fight the Good Fight

  1. jackstraya95

    jackstraya95 Fapstronaut

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    I just joined NoFap, and this forum looked the most suitable for my situation. My struggle with pornography and masturbation has lasted for most of my life. I could never rid myself of it longer than around 3 months. I got married to my wife in 2016. We are both college students who attend BYU-Idaho. I went into the marriage fearful of how this habit may destroy my marriage. I am often fearful I can never get rid of it for good. Around 6 months into my marriage, I sat down with my wife and told her about my struggles. She was distraught. Us both growing up in an LDS home where we were taught that porn is a means of pure evil didn’t make her feel good regarding this confession. I understood this completely. (Mind you, I am going through a bit of a faith crisis right now which is another stress added) At the end of this conversation, she said, “I love you, but I won’t do this again.” In my mind, I knew that this would not be a cold turkey situation. It was going to be a process. This statement that she told me has haunted me for the past three years. I stand here today and cannot say that it has stopped. I am not watching porn every single day but it’s an occurrence I would say every 2-3 weeks. Some occurrences are more frequent than others. My wife is under the impression that I have conquered this mountain. I have stayed quiet out of fear of what she said. I am scared she is going to leave me and this marriage is going to fall apart. I know that I should be open and honest with my wife, but the fear has just crippled me. I am posting in this forum hoping maybe someone in this community can relate and give support. I am in search of an accountability partner. Someone I can text/call when I have no one else to talk to. I appreciate any response!
     
    John Sage Bever likes this.
  2. John Sage Bever

    John Sage Bever Fapstronaut

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    I can be your accountability partner if you want. There is a secure messing app called Threema that you can message me on. Or we can try this site but I am new on this site and will probably only cheak it once a day. My Threema ID is ZBC3PC4W
    I had an accountability partner many years ago and we would both lie when we wold relapse so we must be honest no-matter what. And if one of us is doing well we should not compare ourselves to the other person. Negative self talk will lead to more relapse.
     
  3. John Sage Bever

    John Sage Bever Fapstronaut

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    I think right now you feel very stuck but I want you to know there is a way out. Hope is always there. For me I have to completely change my life to avoid relapse I have to eat healthy I have to read the Book of Mormon even if it is one verse. I have to listen to conference and the BYU speeches podcast every day and serve others. You have to feed your spirituality as often as you breath. It can sound overwhelming at first but with genuine prayer and the guidance of the holy ghost it is a wonderful journey to walk. Your heavenly father wants you to succeed and will give you little miracles every day if you ask for help from him every day and night. If you try to do it alone you will fail every time if you plead for the Lords help you will make progress and have the companionship of the holy ghost.
     
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  4. John Sage Bever

    John Sage Bever Fapstronaut

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    One thinking err I keep having is that I will relapse and think all is lost. I will often forget that I can repent at my bedside and begin anew. I am often surprised at how quick the spirit returns to my life. I have miracles that happen every day with my recovery. But as soon as my attitude changes to anything other than relying on the Lord I fail again. Understand that recovery is a process failure is not the end never give up never stop trying. The journey is worth evry step it is worth it every time we fall.
     
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  5. John Sage Bever

    John Sage Bever Fapstronaut

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    Telling your wife will be difficult will be very difficult but there are things you can do to strengthen both of you. For me I listen to a lot of conference talks, Byu Speeches podcasts, Jesus the Christ audio book and of course the Book of Mormon. I learn a lot of valuable things when listening to these thins. But there are times when what is being said in the talk is not as important as the spirit it invites and that is shows myself and heavenly father that I am trying. There are probably going to be times when you feel down and out or complete defeated or that a temptation will never go away. Allow these feelings to process accept them but do not give into them. This journey involves experimenting every emotion having these emotions is an important part of the process.
     
  6. John Sage Bever

    John Sage Bever Fapstronaut

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    Find something that you and your wife can do together to invite the spirit and deepen your connecting with each other. It may be listening to Jesus the Christ together or going on a date to a quite place where you pray together. As you go through this process together your love and connection to each other can deepen.
     
  7. Sorry to hear of your struggles. You are definitely not alone. I have talked to my wife occasionally about it, but mostly don’t because she has a horribly difficult time processing it. Her involvement makes it harder for me, not easier. But I want and need people who understand, and have found a lot of understanding And support here.

    i find that checking in often really helps me. I hope (and pray) that the communities here can help you too!
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  8. Outside

    Outside Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    @jackstraya95 -- the fact you're reaching out here means tons! Send me a message here if you'd like to talk things over -- I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I've been through some of that crisis of faith as well.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  9. luthor

    luthor New Fapstronaut

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    Our brother this is so sad hear this, I gonna getting marriage in few weeks, living the law of chastity for so long made fail with porn several times.
    I heard that marriage can not put a end in this, but I know, that what’s holds us back, sometimes will push forwards. This is our battle, we are saints and soldiers, never give up. Let your wife know how much you love her, and let her know how much we love you too, you’re not alone, be courage, your are not an object, the Lord is by your side, fast, pray and I know my friend, we all gonna see the light in the end.
     
  10. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Hang in there my friend. This community has helped me so much, and has been a great resource.

    Three things have helped me immensely as I have grown and begun the process of healing:
    1. Finding an accountability partner that you can be totally open with about issues and struggles
    2. Journaling on here
    3. Going through the 12 Step Addiction recovery program provided by the church (and attending meetings in the early days)
    4. Using accountability software (which randomly screenshots computers and phones it is installed on) especially with my wife receiving the reports. This is huge because it always makes me pause before doing something on the off chance she will see it.
    5. Cutting out negative media (especially podcasts and blogs, I was addicted to that too and it just fed me being online and often spiraled into relapses) and doing a social media fast. In general trying to spend less time online helped a lot.
    6. Learning how to process and handle triggers (and identify what might be a triggering situation)
    7. Less focus on the counter (how many days has it been since I relapsed) and focus more on "how many days have I been clean in the last 90 days". That makes for a more holistic goal when just starting out, and disincentives binges (often a reset would turn into a binge because "well, it's just one day, may as well").
    Welcome to the group my friend! I hope you find as much support and love and success here as others have.
     
    Phantom Avalanche and vxlccm like this.

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