44-years-old and ready for PMO out of my life forever!

The only way it made sense to me, to share my story, was by blocks of time in chronological order. Here it goes...

1980-1987
Started masterbating the same as most typical kids in America. No internet, very little access to porn--lots of fantasy of girls I saw in school. The extend of my porn was finding an old "Oui" magazine in a cabin during a Boy Scout camping trip, very innocent and native. As I progressed into middle school and high school my masterbation increased. I started looking at lingerie ads in Redbook magazines etc... My world changed once the infamous Victoria's Secret catalog came to my door. I started hiding some Playboy's under my mattress as I got access to them, and was masterbating pretty regularly. I had a "normal" up bringing which included girlfriends. Seemed normal enough.

1988-1994
I masterbated pretty much the same during college. Got lucky and discovering larger porn collections of friend's or roommates. I was older and able to buy porn although, I was feeling very guilty about doing so (would throw them away after PMO because of the guilt). Was feeling I was "too old" in my mid-20's to be doing this as regularly as I was. I thought this should of stopped naturally, once I had sex and girlfriends, but it didn't. Once I graduated from college and was living alone, I filled the time away from work with PMO. I remember once going downstairs in my apartment building to the trash room to find dozens of those special Playboy Magazine Lingerie Issues in the trash. I quickly scooped them up and began filling my free time with PMO. The stage is set for the internet...

1995-2007
The internet comes of age, and quickly porn becomes a driving force. It started with dial-up and downloading images to save on my harddrive. Masterbation increases as I have a local library on my hard drive. More and more hours are spent on the computer searching for more and more photos. Fetishes start to emerge with access to more and more photos. Masterbating to my collection using slideshow software starts to make the images less appealing and my desire for more and more porn is fueled. However, finding free time and a computer away from friends/family are challenging. The routine and addictive hook of porn really takes hold and becomes very deep.

2008-Now
Hello iPhone! Otherwise know as, "Porn in my pocket, anytime, anywhere." PMO sky rockets. Literally I can PMO anywhere. Porn is practically free on the web during this time. If you Google search "apple" porn comes up. The flood gates are wide open. What started as an innocent exploration of sexually now has become a full on obsession. I use PMO as total escapism. I hate my job... PMO. My kids are stressing me out... PMO. I've gained 10lbs... PMO. It's my best friend, it's always there when I need it. It has totally taken over my life and it sucks.

I've quit many times before. Sometimes for months, but somehow it always creeps back into my life. The crazy thing is, I have a beautiful wife. She has no idea, I don't know, maybe she does. We hardly ever have sex. We blame it on kids, too tired and busy schedules. But now that I've been reading about the side effects through this website and www.yourbrainonporn.com, I realize I'm the problem. It's been in my life, for so long I don't even see it anymore. It's the HUGE elephant in the room.

Over the past few years, I've been trying to make some real change in my life: lose weight, exercise, meditate, new career to name a few. I've been doing all this "soul searching" not ever realising that this problem, this self-defeating-time-wasting problem could--and I believe--IS the source of my resistance to make positive and lasting change in my life. Getting up a little earlier so I can meditate or workout is not what I need to do. What I really need to do is stop wacking off every morning for 30 minute to an hour before the kids get up! Well, the time stops now. I'm sick of it. I hope I can become a meaningful member of this community. With your help, I'm ready to begin a "NewLife." One that doesn't have PMO in it anymore. Yoo Woo!

 

Thanks for replying SuperCooper--I just might take you up on your offer. Today I hit Day 7! Just finding this community and the information in everyone's posts has made it easier than in previous NoFaps. Reading everyone's story is so motivating. Even though nobody knows my identity, it feels great to share something that has been a deep dark secret for so long. My initial goal is 90 days (I've tried get the counter I see in everyone's signature, but after 2 computers I keep getting an error? Anybody know why?), which I think is doable thanks to NoFap. It's the 180 days, 360 days and beyond which I feel will be hard for me--truly the unknown (and hopefully the chance for real healing). I figure I've been doing this for 30+ years and I can't help but think that my circuits run very deep.

Yes, I believe that my unhealthy habits of eating and lack of exercise are tied to my 30 years of PMOing. How could it not be? I've had feelings of low self worth, depression, back pain and general constant pain in my body. Meditating and trying to be "in the moment" has shown me that I'm uneasy with myself just being in my body. Like I just can't "be." I need to eat something (even though I'm not hungry) or have a drink or wack-off. If I happen to find myself alone (rare for married with 2 kids), I immediately want to do any or all of those 3 things. This is the part that kills me is. Let's say, I do a goal setting session with myself on what I want to accomplish in the next couple years. I'll have a ton of productive things I want to do to achieve those goals. Big list, right? As soon as I get free time to work on them, what do I do? Spend all night looking at porn, getting drunk, eating junk food and jacking off. God, I feel like shit just writing this, mainly because I know I've done that so many times I can't count. Minutes add up to hours which adds up to days... then weeks... then years. I beat myself up thinking, "why am I this way?" Why do I sabotage myself? I don't know for sure, but I suspect that PMO is a root cause. If all that comes out of this experience is stopping PMO, then it's worth it for me. If more changes comes then it is icing on the cake. I'm curious to see what the future holds for me.

Thanks for reading.