45 days of no PMO or sex (hard-mode abstinence)

Today I've reached 45 days without sex or PMO, which is half-way to my (initial) goal of 90 days, so I thought I would record my thoughts at this milestone.

About me:

40 year old male. On an earlier attempt to do NoFap, I made it to about 50 days no PMO (I didn't track the days as precisely that time) before relapsing. That remains the longest streak without PMO in my adult life.

My motivation for no PMO:

I had become addicted to the gay dating app grindr (and one or two others like it), spending quite a lot of time each day checking it and sending/receiving messages and pics (which were usually pornographic), in an increasingly obsessive way. As well as wasting time, it had started to become a substitute for real-life interaction (including real life sex) which I felt was unhealthy. When I did hook up with people, I found it unsatisfying and felt a mixture of emotions like guilt, shame and regret. Like any addiction, over time I needed more and more to satisfy it. Anyone who has used to the app (or similar apps) probably knows that it can affect your self-esteem negatively. I decided I needed a break from it so decided to do 90 days on no PMO to see what difference it made.

My approach:

• I deleted grindr and similar apps from my phone (the obvious first step)
• I also decided to abstain from Instagram (another app which could be triggering and also time-wasting)
• A few weeks in, I decided to abstain from Twitter too
• My general principle was to reduce my smart-phone usage overall
• I am single and decided that I would also not have sex during this time - the intention being to be completely celibate (at the back of my mind, I was feeling quite negative generally about my prospects for gay dating, so was keen to explore whether a celibate life of abstaining would even be possible for me)

How I've found it:

The first few weeks were the hardest. I felt horny quite a lot and also found that focusing on my goal in a way made me think more about PMO. In the first few weeks, I spent a fair amount of time reading the nofap forums (which I found helpful) but after the initial burst decided to do this sparingly and only as needed. On day 26, I had a wet dream - the first and only wet dream of my life (at the age of 40!). I noticed a slight loss in energy/motivation in the days after.

I found after the first few weeks that it got easier. I thought about it less. It faded to the back of my mind. I also had more frequent erections in the beginning but these have subsided somewhat for me (presumably flatline, and the body adjusting to its new regime).

Did I experience superpowers? I would not characterise it in this way, though I do believe the superpowers that people talk about exist, as I recall from my previous streak of about 50 days, the incredible surge in energy and motivation I experienced that time. This time, I haven't had quite the same feeling, thought I've noticed (on some days, not all) a strong sense of energy at the gym. The biggest benefits I've had are:

1) More time to do better/more useful things - i.e. the time saved by not staring at a smartphone, I have tried to use productively (mainly via reading and exercising)

2) I have reduced my smartphone usage from 7 hours a day to less than 1 hour

3) My mood has been more constant - less ups and downs. In particular, I used to feel crushed/depressed from the unsatisfying interactions I would have on grindr (again, anyone who has used this app can probably relate, I imagine). Being free of that has been a blessing

4) To state the obvious, sex is less at the forefront of my mind, mainly because I have reduced the triggers (dating apps, social media, any PMO etc) that would cause me to think of it. I recognise that it's easier to do this age 40 than for a younger guy, but in my case, I think it was useful to have this break from sexually obsessed thoughts (even if I do return to them in the future)

Things I found helpful:

Two pieces of advice I read somewhere on this forum (and unfortunately I can't remember who wrote them, to attribute them) which were especially helpful to me were:

1) If you do think about relapsing, think of resetting the counter to 0 and how much time/how hard it would be to start this process again from scratch.... I did find this quite a motivating sentiment (though to contradict myself, I also recognise that too much focus on an arbitrary number could be counter productive)

2) Ultimately, as hard at it is (!), success really comes down to a very simple thing - don't touch your penis. I did find it helpful to remember this when I was lying in bed either hard or feeling horny

Otherwise, the fairly common advice of eating healthily, being social, sleeping properly, exercising and using the time saved by not PMO'ing to do something you're interested in or is productive - all applies.

What next?

Short answer: I don't know. I have always thought that the 90 days was a somewhat arbitrary target but I also do believe the benefits of semen retention are real, and that every man should try to hit this target at least once in their life.

Being gay, and having found it difficult (for various reasons too long to outline here) to find a satisfying relationship (I've had two, neither worked out) and becoming increasingly unfulfilled by hook-ups (no judgement or shame btw to anyone), I started this journey open to the idea that perhaps celibacy (and chastity) could be a way forward for me. Whether or not that's truly sustainable or (in my case) desirable, I don't really know. I think that would be a tough road to take. I like intimacy and sex but I dislike the online dating culture that someone like me - an introvert - relies on to obtain it.

I want to keep going to 90 days, and am starting 2020 already 45 days into this journey. For the remainder of this streak, I am curious to see if:

1) I do experience more superpowers, that I had experienced before. I am starting a new job soon and perhaps the superpowers will manifest themselves during that

2) I have another wet dream?

3) If my erections - which was more frequent at the start but have subsided - return and if my libido increases

4) How I feel at the end of 90 days - i.e. if I want to continue

So far, I'm pleased with my progress. I realise my story isn't as dramatic as some on here but hopefully someone finds it useful. Thanks for reading.

 

Amazing!
Congrats. It was very nice to read such an honest, inspirational and well-written story. With so simple and clear notions developed.

I felt very much identified with your story. Being through the same about dating apps (Tinder, etc) and i dont think that we are talking enough about compulsive behaviours that those things can generate.
Also i feel strongly connected with your overall motives for doing NoPMO because it is all the same for me (with girls instead). Online dating culture but also dating culture in gral: Hookups, one night stands and overall compulsive dating multiple persons is not really working for me neither.

And i got you bro, i do feel like the "Chastity" or "Celibacy" idea sounds a little too extreme.

Being giving it some thoughts these days (im currently on 37th day) and i think that just realizing these things, these "i dont want to put up with this and this anymore" is already a huge change plus already feeling OK in our pathways (feeling benefits) are enough to making us move forward.

 

Thanks @Speedhoven, appreciate your comment and good luck on your journey too