I knew I had to do something. Although I have an awesome wife, I was starting to compulsively cruise the escort advertisements and trying to figure out who was certainly not a cop. I was in a business meeting and I could not put my phone down because I wanted to do nothing but drown in the escort ads. Fortunately, I never called anyone. I realized I was on the edge of actual physical adultery and needed to stop. It had taken me a couple of months to get to this critical point. In March, my wife went out of town for 2 weeks and I was drawn to phone sex and Skype sessions. Even when she returned, once I got home from work, I'd slip up to my home office and, risk it, and make a call. This was getting crazy. At work, I was glued to my phone watching YouTube videos about hookers in various parts of the world and fantasized about a trip to Bangkok. I was jacking at work. I had to. Unless I did, I could not regain the focus to do anything. I have been a mess most of my life. At puberty, once I discovered what an erection was, I was playing with myself everyday. I stole magazines from a convenience store and had a friend give me one or two he had found in his Dad's stash. I was hooked. I developed a fetish for women's wrestling and to this day it still drives me. Most of my video watching is not sex; its wrestling. So engrossed in it was I that, just a few weeks ago I almost went to a gay wrestling convention to hook up with guys and live out some fantasy. I did not--was able to pull back from this step. As a young teen I had great social anxiety--especially around women. I remember in high school when a pretty little blond took an interest in me I was petrified. I had fantasized about her wrestling, but could not imagine a real relationship with me. I'd throw up with nerves just thinking about a real relationship. When I was in the Army, I remember trying to date girls. I was so relieved one night that a girl I had a had the nerve to call did not show up that I was walking on air, However, when she showed up late, I had to sneak into the alley and vomit. I was scared. I was also the guy who ran his mouth and boasted about sexual things and women. Pure bluff. I knew I was a loser. My only person-to-person sex experiences were with two prostitutes. In college, I never dated a girl. I PMO'ed instead. After college I met a much older woman. I was petrified, failed in the bed as I knew I would, but she took pity on me. She was also crazy. A paranoid schizo. After knowing her 4 months I married here. I figured no one else in the world would ever take a chance on a loser like me, so I'd better jump at the opportunity. Needless to say, we are now divorced. During our marriage the internet became widely available. Yep, I was glued to the screen and even got into some stuff that's a big no-no legally. Once divorced, I always kept a good collection of wrestling videos in my apartment. That was my release. Ultimately, I met my current wife, started going to church, and really pulled out of much of the spiral. She is awesome. I think she knows about some of my internet problems, but I am so scared to tell her the real ugly truth. I found this website and have been lurking here for a couple of weeks. Just signed up for the Academy. Right now, I have been PMO free for about 10 days. I made it just about this long earlier in the month, but gave into cravings one day. Reading these threads have been helpful. Wow, I am not the only one to think about self castration as a way to finally end the FAP cycle. I'm not the only one who has experienced performance anxiety. I now know what the Chaser effect is and know it is not only my perverted mind that has experienced this. I also am a writer--I read a recent post from a fellow writer who complained that his FAping is taking him away from creative time and writing. Brother, I know that feeling. I have learned that one of my biggest enemies is boredom. When I am bored, my mind wonders to sexual things. Got to stay busy and redirect those thoughts. I have also learned that internet surfing is bad. I want to uncondition my mind about click click click. The less net time the better. Now, I try to read journals on here rather than surf when I am on line. Right now on day 10, cravings are stronger than they have been. The first week, I had almost zero wood. Now, old thoughts are creeping back in. My balls even seem to ache a little. I am an addict. Yes, I am. I want to get clean. This post is the FIRST time I have ever shared these truths with anyone. May this disclosure be used in my healing process.