47 yo Christain Male--Giving it a try

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Protagoras, Jun 24, 2017.

  1. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

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    I knew I had to do something. Although I have an awesome wife, I was starting to compulsively cruise the escort advertisements and trying to figure out who was certainly not a cop. I was in a business meeting and I could not put my phone down because I wanted to do nothing but drown in the escort ads. Fortunately, I never called anyone. I realized I was on the edge of actual physical adultery and needed to stop. It had taken me a couple of months to get to this critical point. In March, my wife went out of town for 2 weeks and I was drawn to phone sex and Skype sessions. Even when she returned, once I got home from work, I'd slip up to my home office and, risk it, and make a call. This was getting crazy. At work, I was glued to my phone watching YouTube videos about hookers in various parts of the world and fantasized about a trip to Bangkok. I was jacking at work. I had to. Unless I did, I could not regain the focus to do anything.

    I have been a mess most of my life. At puberty, once I discovered what an erection was, I was playing with myself everyday. I stole magazines from a convenience store and had a friend give me one or two he had found in his Dad's stash. I was hooked. I developed a fetish for women's wrestling and to this day it still drives me. Most of my video watching is not sex; its wrestling. So engrossed in it was I that, just a few weeks ago I almost went to a gay wrestling convention to hook up with guys and live out some fantasy. I did not--was able to pull back from this step.

    As a young teen I had great social anxiety--especially around women. I remember in high school when a pretty little blond took an interest in me I was petrified. I had fantasized about her wrestling, but could not imagine a real relationship with me. I'd throw up with nerves just thinking about a real relationship.

    When I was in the Army, I remember trying to date girls. I was so relieved one night that a girl I had a had the nerve to call did not show up that I was walking on air, However, when she showed up late, I had to sneak into the alley and vomit. I was scared.

    I was also the guy who ran his mouth and boasted about sexual things and women. Pure bluff. I knew I was a loser. My only person-to-person sex experiences were with two prostitutes.

    In college, I never dated a girl. I PMO'ed instead. After college I met a much older woman. I was petrified, failed in the bed as I knew I would, but she took pity on me. She was also crazy. A paranoid schizo. After knowing her 4 months I married here. I figured no one else in the world would ever take a chance on a loser like me, so I'd better jump at the opportunity. Needless to say, we are now divorced. During our marriage the internet became widely available. Yep, I was glued to the screen and even got into some stuff that's a big no-no legally.

    Once divorced, I always kept a good collection of wrestling videos in my apartment. That was my release.

    Ultimately, I met my current wife, started going to church, and really pulled out of much of the spiral. She is awesome. I think she knows about some of my internet problems, but I am so scared to tell her the real ugly truth.

    I found this website and have been lurking here for a couple of weeks. Just signed up for the Academy. Right now, I have been PMO free for about 10 days. I made it just about this long earlier in the month, but gave into cravings one day.

    Reading these threads have been helpful. Wow, I am not the only one to think about self castration as a way to finally end the FAP cycle. I'm not the only one who has experienced performance anxiety. I now know what the Chaser effect is and know it is not only my perverted mind that has experienced this. I also am a writer--I read a recent post from a fellow writer who complained that his FAping is taking him away from creative time and writing. Brother, I know that feeling.

    I have learned that one of my biggest enemies is boredom. When I am bored, my mind wonders to sexual things. Got to stay busy and redirect those thoughts. I have also learned that internet surfing is bad. I want to uncondition my mind about click click click. The less net time the better. Now, I try to read journals on here rather than surf when I am on line.

    Right now on day 10, cravings are stronger than they have been. The first week, I had almost zero wood. Now, old thoughts are creeping back in. My balls even seem to ache a little. I am an addict. Yes, I am. I want to get clean. This post is the FIRST time I have ever shared these truths with anyone. May this disclosure be used in my healing process.
     
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Thank. You for sharing your story.

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

    The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
  3. avatarreloaded

    avatarreloaded Fapstronaut

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    Good write up. Please use a candle to liberate your mind.

    A. Sit on floor ( preferably not cross legged)

    B. Candle should be 1 foot away from you and on a table.

    C. There should be no draft in the room. I.e no air movements so the flame is stationery and not moving.

    D. State the flame. Stare at it for 15 minutes. Do not blink.

    E.focus on breathing, letting go and letting the light flow into you.

    F. You should get a high doseeage of endorphins in your body slowly as you stare and if you shed tears due to the concentration then you will reach a form of pure sense of nothingness. This exercise can help you break almost any pattern on the planet and homo erotic wresting fetish / PMO obsession can be defeated using this.

    G. After this, switch the candle off. consider to go into a prostrated position with your knees on ground and your head on floor. I would recommend to think of the divine entity or God you believe in. Ask God to empower you.

    H. After twenty days this routine will become a new ritual which can defeat any adverse negative or hurtful issues and also to crush the sense of longing.

    I am on day 47 of PMO.
     
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  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    How are you today?
     
  5. avatarreloaded

    avatarreloaded Fapstronaut

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    Managing. Had to travel out of country. The flight was 10 hours plus transit. Had chocolate to boost glucose levels as that helps to retain will power. Now enjoying four days of a crazy wedding. Abstaining from booze. Hitting gym daily. Somehow surviving. I feel a lot better.
     
  6. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Great! Just keep going!
     
  7. avatarreloaded

    avatarreloaded Fapstronaut

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    Going through hell. It's much more difficult to manage PMO Hard mode when traveling between countries, routine breaks and being put outside your environment.

    Under significant emotional distress.

    Would appreciate words of encouragement.

    My mind is playing tricks on me.

    I came so close to breaking yesterday. I fought it.

    I almost feel something remarkable yet painful is going on.

    What is up with me ?
     
  8. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

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    Our minds want that dopamine fix. It will play tricks to get it. We are like drug addicts trying to detox. It is painful.

    Try to not think about not jacking, but focus on something else you like such as a novel, outdoors, family, lord of the rings trilogy. Something. Know that the urge will eventually pass. Hang in there.
     
  9. SlimGuy89

    SlimGuy89 Fapstronaut

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    I can tell you’re a writer by the way your post reads. Anyhow, I saw that you joined over the summer. I hope that you’ve made progress. Have you opened up more to your wife about your struggles/experiences with PMO? I too am married. One day I’d like to be honest with my wife about my current struggle, but I’m afraid it would destroy all sense of trust she has in me...and rightfully so. I guess I’m just hoping to nip this in the bud so I won’t have to open up about something so deplorable and shameful.
     

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