90 Days of Success - No going back

It’s time. My 90 days of success has finally arrived. Now what do I say and do?

Let me first give a brief history about myself. I have struggled with this since I was in my early teens, and I’m now 30. I didn’t really start working on my addiction until 4 years ago. I always wanted the addiction to go away, but I didn’t really know or accept that I was an addict. I went to group therapy meetings, I did personal therapy with a pornography specialist. I tried on many occasions to overcome this all on my own, but to no avail I kept failing.

So what’s changed? Well, a lot. Years of change in many ways has helped me get to this point. With group therapy I realized and understood that I had an addiction, that I had a problem. This was my first step in my road to recovery. I realized this group therapy wasn’t exactly for me because everyone’s triggers and feelings were different. So I decided to seek professional help, and I found a therapist in my area that specialized in pornography addictions. I understood a lot more about why I did it, and what my triggers were. I learned some valuable tools on how to overcome and push through my moments of weakness. The days between relapses continued to get longer, but I would still return back to the addiction when things got to difficult or painful. Then last year I joined this forum, and started journaling. Chatting with others was my next growth in my recovery, trying to help them and share what I could from my own experience. The final growth and what I believe to be my life changing moment was the start of my divorce. Realizing that my life was flipping upside down and porn addiction helped contributed to this cause, not in a huge way but under 15% of my marriage failures, this was a linking moment. I could see how my selfishness with this addiction had played a part in the destruction of my marriage, and it just made me sick. So from that point on, whenever I thought or still think of porn it just makes me angry and sick. I now have a negative reaction, that doesn’t give me any joy. Which is great. All these things overtime have put me on my path to recovery. Will I have a relapse in the future? I don’t know, but I treat every day as it’s my last. I keep myself aware of the success, and I remind myself of what I truly want in my life.

That was a long history, so what has changed over these past 90 days?

I have noticed that I have a lot more time to do other things. I have used these new days to spend time working out, reading new things, learning new programs, enjoying music, and spending time with family. I never had an issue with woman, but I do believe my confidence has increased because I no longer feel shame, like I’m trying to hide something about myself.

I also noticed that I haven’t been thinking about sex all that much. Although during the past 6-7 weeks I would constantly wake up with morning wood. I never had an ED problems so morning wood was more of an annoyance for me. I never experienced pain in my balls like others, but sometimes after I use the bathroom man stuff would just leak out. This didn’t last long, and stopped overtime.
One of my biggest changes and one that I love the most is respecting woman as equals and individuals. Viewing them as sex objects has gone, but I still find them beautiful. I find myself trying to get to know them on a personal basis. What are they like, what do they like, and most importantly how do they feel. I realized that I have a lot of power with my words. The things I say to any woman can build or chip away at their self-esteem. I take this knowledge and try to use it to build up the woman in my life.

I’m sure there are other changes physically, mentally, and spiritually changes and I’m still working on understanding those changes every day. I do know that having a daily journal to track yourself is important, at least to me. The overall change for me is I the faith I have in myself, I have faith that 90 days ago was my last time, that each day will be different, and that I can overcome this addiction. I have accepted that this is a lifelong battle, and I’m willing to fight against it each and every day.

So here I go, getting my battle armor on, sword in hand ready to fight this demon.

 

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I'm glad that it inspires others and helps motivates. I updated my goal from 90 days to 180 days. I know I will make it .

I love this community so much, journaling my progress and sharing it with others has helped me probably more than its help you guys. I really do wish the best to everyone here, we all share this battle, and we truly are a different class of warriors. I have been in all stages of this addiction. I remember relapsing multiple times a day, and I remember getting my first week free of PMO. Over time, and constantly trying I now have 90+ days and I feel the change coming from inside.

What are my tools?
Well, everyone is different but for me I break it down into 3 categories.
- Spiritual -
I pray at least 2 times a day, but when I feel the urge or anything PMO related I just take a moment to pray.
I read scriptures, and listen/watch other positive motivational speeches
I get to church at least once a week.
I really try to make god part of my life. Include him in the battle against this PMO

-Physical-
I work out in the mornings
I take time to eat healthy
I don’t stay up late, my relapses normally come later at night when I’m at my weakest

-Emotional-
Fear, Anger, Sadness - All of the negative emotions that are a part of life, I embrace them and let them flow through me. I don't stew in them, but I allow myself to feel. When the feelings get to strong I pray, and I keep praying until my mindset changes.
I also use this website to write in my online journal every day, which helps me stay accountable every day.

Hopefully that helps "willem20"