A letter and promise to myself.

My mind has been going crazy these past 48 hours. This has easily been my all time low with pornography and the first time I’ve gotten so emotional to the point of crying. It’s been a very long time since I have cried and it felt good to let my emotions out.


My children are here with me and have gotten to be my rock. I told my son that I wanted to be a better person and that I had an addiction. He promptly told me that he was cheering for me. That brightened up my day.


My gf who is a saint of a women, the best partner and friend anyone could ever have. She has been away this weekend, enjoying her time with friends she hasn’t seen in a very long time and with family. I’ve been so happy for her and she really need a weekend to herself.


Unfortunately I was weak minded and decided to relapse. Watching pornography this weekend taught me a very very valuable lesson. It is toxic and can lead to relationship problems.


Thinking about the women in pornography and they way they are portrayed can easily plant a seed of discord within your brain.


You begin to sexualize women, you think that they will get with any man, and that they are there for sex. Automatically if a women is with a man, there is a potential for sexual nature. I’ve learned that this is a horrible way of thinking.


My gf has never given me a reason to distrust her and even as she’s spending time with her friends, pornographic images appear in my head and make me think otherwise. It’s like the planted seed makes you lose rationality and the only way to emotional satisfaction is to PMO.


This morning I saw a post that resonated with me. It said to get up, and get the hardest chose of the day done first. I personally hate laundry, but that was the first thing I tackled, and I can’t tell you how good I felt afterwards.


Once my gf was able to reach out, I started to feel like an idiot for the way I was thinking. Not only was I thinking incoherently, I also began to get anxious and nervous. I don’t know if I intend to share this, but I want to be 100% committed to the process of healing and re-wiring my brain. This includes the way I approach sex.


I do have to take time and remember to get some headspace. That app works wonders and literally helps me cope with my day to day. Today marks the day that I will become relieved from pornography and masturbation. Not only is it a sin, but it is detrimental to the way I want to live my life and the relationships I want to uphold.


I would like to get more active in the community in order to keep myself moving forward. I’m hoping I can find some accountability partners that can help me moving forward.