No PM day 187
No O Day 6/15
Bonding Behaviours day 29
Another weekend is over... Things went better, especially after I got some time to be by myself on Sunday morning. I just listened to some music and sorted out my spotify playlists. When I returned to my wife she said that I looked like I had a great time. So I will continue to add the morning alone routine to the weekend. I do things for myself while my wife and kids sleep. It really helps me cope. I read somewhere that introverts need the time alone to recharge. This was a problem with porn in the past, but I have been pretty good.
Bonding activities:
We did a few in the last few days. I remember reading day 28 about playing a musical instrument with your partners body and thinking it sounds goofy... No it was really nice. I loved the feeling of playing and being played and adding rhythm to touching. I recently also found another resource: The wheel of consent:
https://bettymartin.org. Betty Martine speaks about touch, consent, giving and receiving. This sounds like a new level of bonding. I will tell my wife about it when we are finished the bonding activities. It takes the kind of thing we are already doing and makes it more open and sophisticated.
However, my wife and I had a good chat. We have decided that we really like the bonding activities and want to continue and perhaps do them again. We will be finished the list soon, we will probably start over this week.
We also decided to attempt Diana Richardson's slow sex. I spoke to my wife about not wanting to orgasm and PE and the way we have been doing things. We spoke for a long time. We decided that once a week we are going to try the techniques Diana Richardson talks about. This will be the dangerous day for orgasms for me and I we said that there might be some ejaculations in the road early in the experiments because of PE, but we would like to work with them until we can make slow love as it is described in the book.
Not all plain sailing. I started 4 years ago because my wife found out I was using P. She didn't know the extent until I told her everything right from the beginning when I was 8. She couldn't believe it.
We started a different route, that of Karezza. It kind of worked but I was still seeking the sensations rather than seeing lovemaking as a bonding activity. We lasted a few weeks before I Oed. Then another few weeks, then the same. Then i discovered 'self cultivation'. Or in other words edging when I was on my own. I didn't fantasize, while doing it but used it to explore the limits of my own body(and at the same time enjoying a good M and near O experience.) I wrote about it in our shared journal but it was like my wife was in denial. I saw it as a healthy activity. As it turned out she did not.
I was taking the attitude that I wanted to please my wife sexually so would try to get her to O as often as possible. I couldn't understand why she wasnt into this. This trundled on for 3 or so years until I was more and more explicit in our shared journal about the edging.We were having sex and me Oing every week or so because thats what i decided i needed. She finally blew up and explained how distant she felt from me sexually and how she felt the edging was not helping.
I thought , OK so lets try a different approach.It was obvious she had not a clue what was going on in my mind when we made love, or generally during the day for that matter, so i suggested we increase our diary use to every day(it was about every 6 months for her) and I would read it to her in the evenings, just so she could get a handle on what went on in my head.And we would stop Oing for a while.
Firstly she had no concept of the effect Oing had on me or the anxiety I felt when making love.
I started learning all sorts about myself aswell, and didn't realise the extent to which beliefs get internalised and unchallenged.
My wife says she didn't miss the sex because of the bonding, and we know we can have it if we like but need to take it slowly. I am sure if she would like more I can provide in other ways than intercourse which would preserve my O, but she has yet to ask about that.
We also started working through the 8 dates Gottman book. This gave us massive confidence that most areas of our relationship have been and are amazing.
There have been a few wet dreams but I see these as the body just regulating semen rotation. I have recovered pretty quick afterwards.
What do think your issues might be if you took this route?
So we are also starting out a Kaerzza type way once a week. I have not been reading my journal to my wife but I pretty much tell her what I write here. I have tried a bit of self cultivation too, but its hard to not fantasise in these situations.
What do I think the issues will be? Well I think its going to be a tough start, not all plain sailing... I imagine there is going to be a number of ejaculations as I learn to breathe and enjoy what is happening. I imagine there are going to be some little arguments in bed about what to do. My wife does not seem very into the orgasms. I will speak with her again and make it clear if she wants one, she should please ask, otherwise I will just assume that we are in the same boat. Like you say the bonding seems to take over the sex. It has for the last 30 days at least. My wife says that she wants to tell all couples about it.
Yesterday I went for confession and I got absolution. This is another big step for me; a big valley on the path that I had to cross. I was a little disappointed that it was all over so fast. It seemed like the priest had heard a lot like this before or something. To me it is such a big deal! Anyway. I am glad I did it. He told me to keep up the good work and not look at porn.
Tonight we are going to try and make slow love. I am enjoying learning about pleasure in ways that I never imagined it. I am concerned that I need to keep things cool. I get so excited. Will have a report sometime during the week.
