A question for the ladies

These are really great questions. I am a bit brain dead at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and I shall hopefully construct some response on this soon.

 

I'm with takingthesteps. My mind is on overdrive but also feel compelled to give your great questions a careful well thought out response. I'm sure you will get many! There's lots of great support and advice here

 

1. How to raise the subject:

This is pretty dependent on what your relationship is like and your personality/her personality, so it's hard to really advise about this. I would say maybe try to ease into the conversation, maybe ask her what her thoughts are about porn and masturbation so you can see how she feels about those things before you explain your views. Honestly, there isn't really an easy way to raise the subject, at least not that I've discovered. It's always going to be an awkward thing to bring up, so you just kind of have to buckle down and be courageous for a moment.

2. Striking a balance between withholding and oversharing:

This requires being really present in the conversation, asking a lot of questions, and listening to where she's at/reading between the lines. As I said, kind of ease into it. Start with the bare minimum, and then stop and ask what she's thinking and how she's feeling before sharing more. If she asks for more info, give her more info, but proceed with caution and don't share too many details. This also depends, though, on what your lady is like... for me, personally, I never want to know what my husband does or what kind of stuff he looks at. He tells me, "I'm sorry, babe, I was bad today," and that's all I need to know. I assume that means some combination of P,M, and O, and I know myself well enough to know that any more details would only make me super jealous and sad. So even if she asks what kind of stuff you look at or whatever, I would be open to discussing it if she really feels she needs to know, but I don't know... if I were in your shoes, I would probably try to get her to understand that you are willing to talk about it but that you don't want it to hurt her or make her uncomfortable so it might not be a good idea. But again, this is super dependent on what your lady is like -- you know her far better than I do.

3. Ways that you think would help make her feel like she's able to build trust/support despite the distance?

Some advice I just gave another guy on here, about a different issue... stick around. It is many guys' instincts to run and hide when things get awkward or uncomfortable, but women often don't work that way. They overthink things. They need to talk it out and feel all their feelings and work through them. So be prepared and set aside time to give your time and attention to her for a while. Listen to how she's feeling and respond accordingly. And I think possibly most importantly, don't let the conversation end on this note. If you're talking on the phone or whatever you two do, since you don't live near each other, don't say goodbye right after the "PMO conversation" is over and resolved. If she's willing, stick around and talk about something else for a while. Have some fun and get her mind off of what she will probably be overthinking a lot once you hang up. That'll be a good reminder of what you two have together, and she will probably need that.

Other ways to make her feel supported... obvious things like listening well, allowing her to be upset and don't try to "fix" things -- just listen and support her feelings. Tell her you love her (If you've gotten to the "L" word, yet, that is). Make sure to allow her to ask questions, and ask her how she's feeling and make sure she knows that she can ask you anything and be open about her feelings.

In general, be very open and honest and serious (this is important... this is serious stuff, not to be made light of. If you're serious about NoFap, and it means a lot to you in your life, she needs to know that. She also needs to know that this isn't some tiny problem you sort of used to struggle with, it's a current battle that you are working on and that is important to you.) and gentle. If you're open, she will feel free to be open as well.

I hope some of that is helpful! One thing I can assure you... you seem to have a heart that cares about her feelings and that wants to have this conversation in the best, most constructive and caring way possible. If that's your heart, you should be able to get through it and she should be able to (hopefully) see that. Good luck, dear. I hope things work out well for you and your lady.

 

Hi Redominion......I don't quite have any answers but I do admire the way you're thinking this through. Honesty is definitely the way to go but I agree, you can 'overshare' details when not necessary. Saying that though, us women have a burning desire to try and find out everything........and then wish we hadn't!!
Maybe tell her you want to be honest with her from the start. You could always say 'you know how some guys watch porn.....well I kinda got hooked on it.' I pointed it out to my husband what was staring him in the face but he had refused to see by describing it like being an alcoholic. If it was alcohol, it would be hidden in cupboards or drawers but with his addiction, emails and videos were hidden and buried within files; names were made to look like business contacts..........it was the same principal. He is an addict. We have now taken away 'the alcohol'.........we've blocked the offending websites and he is now 74 days free.
If you have a comfortable relationship, hopefully you'll be ok talking about it. I personally don't think you need to go into too much detail, unless you have any side effects which might affect your relationship as it progresses. You might talk more about things as time goes on, when you can have real honest conversations about it. As long as you're honest with her all the time, be really open about what you do and show her how much she means to you, you can't go too wrong. At least it should prevent what most of us women on here have gone through, which is the hurt of finding out that it has been kept secret for years.
Good luck on your goal......

 

This is very true, and a good thing to remember!

 

Everytime!

 

I agree whole heartedly with the responses given. I also am impressed with the level of honesty and careful thought you've expressed in consideration of your girlfriends feelings. It's so nice too see! With that said, I say follow your heart and your compassion for her. You know her better than we can know how she might react. Imo, honesty is the best policy with delicacy. It's so much easier to take pain from truth rather than pain from deceipt, omissions, and lies. Sounds to me like your initiating the beginnings of a solid open foundation. Best wishes to you both!

 

That's great, man! I agree about the new level of trust. I would have predicted she would respond with such grace, but sometimes you never know I'm glad things went well! May you have continued blessings as you grow together.