A sick, sick person, looking for a HUGE change

Hi everyone. I'm James and I'm very happy to have found this website. I came here intrigued by the prospect of a NoFap challenge and decided to register and begin with some baby steps towards my goal of recovery from pornography and compulsive masturbation.

My first challenge will only last a week of no fapping and zero hardcore porn. I couldn't bring myself to stop looking through online celebrity blogs just yet, but all in due time. I will certainly cut down on the hoarding of celebrity pictures that I seem to save more and more of every day.

My situation is extreme, even by this site's standards. When I say I have problems with compulsive masturbation, I mean that the need my body and mind feel for self-gratification, has come to affect the way I behave even in public. People around me are constantly disgusted by my presence, because I've become a creep and a pervert, sexualizing EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that crosses my path and apparently making masturbatory related motions, facial expressions and so on, no matter where I am or who I am with, WITHOUT ME EVEN NOTICING.

I've been a recluse in my own home because of this problem for nearly 15 years and I've always lived in denial, trying to convince myself that I CAN masturbate once or twice a day because everyone says masturbation is SO healthy, normal and even recommended.

I'm sick. Deeply so. My mind and body have turned against me and I can't even talk to someone without fidgeting and just "escaping" into my pleasurable, sexual world with my mind and body, but in a way that I can't or WON'T notice or see clearly just yet, so I don't know how to fight it.

I'm persecuted by people when I go out in public (I rarely need to, but I do when I HAVE to). They yell at me, call me names ("masturbator" but in Spanish, which doesn't sound as ridiculous, "pervert", "sicko", you name it, I've been called everything there is to be called).

My past is full of trauma (I was brutally raped by a close friend's dad about 12 years ago while I was passed out drunk for example) that I can't let go of. I have unconsciously resorted to just ESCAPING my own self and make up an alternate reality and world, where I can escape and be at peace, away from all the pain and shame and hatred that being me entail.

One of the main issues with me, is that I just can't even tell when it is that these masturbatory "signs" or motions happen to me, because I'm not fully present. I'm VERY out of touch with my own body and mind, and can't see what others see in me. I am only NOW, at 36 years of age, starting to finally heal my wounds and finally WAKING UP. My true self, the self that still has dignity, self-respect, self-love, innocence, purity and compassion, is starting to finally emerge.

I think one of my big problems too, is that, physically I haven't even matured well yet. The same people who make my life a living hell, also make it a point to tell me not only what I'm doing wrong with my body and behavior, but also tell me that I'm running from the pain, that I need to finally become a man and take the pain of growing, so that I can move on.

They don't use as many words, but that's the gist of it. In other words, I have testicular issues too. I've been told my balls need to come down more and there's popped veins in them. There's also a slight varicocele in one of them. I've always felt numbness around that whole area and I think masturbation for me, started as a subconscious desire to gain SOME feeling in that region of my body.

Anyway, I'm FUCKED UP, as you can tell. In SEVERAL ways. I have also been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which I think is not my real problem. I've written here what my REAL and TRUE problems are.

So yeah, thanks to those who managed to read all this. I am looking for help. I want to change my life. Stop objectifying women AND men. People in general. I want to stop my porn addiction, but I'm still not fully sure I can or even want to fully. I want to be able to have normal, helathy relationships with others.

I want to LIVE, LOVE someone purely, have relationships of friendship and see the world, travel, experience things, have normal sex with someone. ETC.

I hope I can find the help I need here. And if I can help anyone too, I am more than willing and happy to do it.

Thanks to all of you who read this.

 

Thanks to everyone for all the responses. Today will be the 3rd day of my nofap challenge. I started on Friday, March 28 but only made the counter a day later, which would make 2 days, and I'm already counting tonight, cause I'm NOT gonna break. So yeah, that makes three. After this seven day challenge, I may reset or start a brand new challenge over again, but I'm not sure. It all depends on how my body and mind react to these first seven days.

The longest I think I've gone without PMO is around a month and a half.

I'm doing my best to become a better person, but it's hard to accomplish when you have physical issues (like the testicular issues I mentioned) that hold you back. I am getting closer to finally waking up enough to finally FEEL something (I'm usually pretty dead inside AND out), not only around that area but all over my body.

It seems my mind is following my body in it's awakening process and I am slowly gaining more confidence and peace of mind, but it's a LONG, DIFFICULT road out of the hole I've been in my whole life. Still got a lot more walking to do on the path to recovery.

But hey, it could be worse! right? At least I'm not terminally ill or living in poverty like so many in our world are. I'm lucky after all. And yes, today has been a good day. I'm thankful to be alive! Best of luck to all of you in walking your own paths.

 

Hey everyone! I'm happy to report that it's been five days since I last MO'd (six if I count today, which I should, cause I'm NOT gonna break) and my challenge is almost near it's end.

I feel GREAT and I have more energy than before, I feel more at ease at all times and I feel I can finally start to get to know the REAL me, instead of presenting a front to please others and myself with a side of me that's completely fake.

I've found a great YouTube channel, through my efforts to lift weights and become stronger, and the guy who makes these videos has become my "far away" or "online" mentor. I am learning SO much from his videos. Not only about exercise form and how to get in shape, but also about becoming a better person in ALL areas of one's life. He teaches something called bioenergetics, which is incredible because it applies perfectly to my issues and problems, and I feel it could be of tremendous help to everyone in this forum too.

I strongly recommend all of you guys go check these YouTube channels out (he's got two). He teaches the best ways to become the "strongest version of yourself" and this not only includes a healthy, strong body but also a healthy, strong character, mind and soul. He is a true genius.

His name is ELLIOT HULSE, and the channel's name is STRENGTHCAMP (he's got a lot of fans that have zero interest in lifting weights, and STILL benefit a lot from his videos). The second channel is just ELLIOTHULSE and this one has more personality related and psycho-emotional sort of advice. Both are priceless.

So yes, I'm doing better than EVER and I might not even reset after this challenge ends, but continue with a new one instead. I also feel strong enough to tackle my porn addiction in a better, more direct way, so there's no telling how much progress I could make in the coming days/weeks/months.

Thanks to all of you for your support and stay strong my brothers and sisters! You CAN do it!

 

Thanks Weezy! Day 6 is almost complete. Still going strong. But shit, this is tough! Best of luck on your challenge too!

 

I'm still a few hours shy of a week, but I'll make it for sure (my counter is one day off). I've noticed a big increase in energy and clarity in my mind, but I've also found that I feel more "aggressive" from the extra testosterone that must be flowing in my blood from going cold turkey like that. (Now I know why trainers tell boxers and martial artists not to have sex before a fight!).

I didn't want to reset but I think I'm gonna HAVE to, as I'm also starting to feel pain in my testicles and they are sort of swollen too. I guess I'm not used to "holding it in" like this for so long, so it hurts. So I might do a reset and MO ONCE, just for my ball's health and to ease the pain, and then start a brand new challenge of TWO or more weeks. Then repeat the cycle again. I'm starting to like this!

Mentally tho, I still have a lot of "healing" and re-programming to do, because my usual "compulsions" and "tendencies" haven't really left yet obviously. After all, those came to be after a nearly two decades of abusing my body and misdirection of my energies, so it figures it will also take a LONG time to break those patterns.

I am thankful to have found this site tho and I just KNOW there will be a time when I can be free from my shackles once and for all. Thanks to all of you who have been keeping track of this thread, I appreciate the support.

 

I'm not happy to report that I PMO'd last night, the minute my 7 day challenge was complete. In a way, I knew I'd do this, so it didn't surprise me, cause that was sort of the plan. This first seven day challenge was just an experiment to sort of "see what I'm made of" and test my character and resolve to stop for a while. But yes, I plan to continue, starting today, with a brand new challenge of a MONTH and see how that goes.

I have a VERY LOW pain tolerance (otherwise I wouldn't have these issues where my testicles don't hang low enough and free enough. Cause that's also painful) so I just couldn't take the heavy, achy, congested feeling in that area anymore. Plus, my cravings for porn were even stronger than the cravings for masturbation. So I decided to reset.

It was a ONE time deal and even if I broke my seven day streak, now I know I can hack it in a longer challenge, cause I know full well what awaits me, in terms of my body's reactions and how my mind deals with the withdrawals.

Thanks to all of you for the support and for following this thread. My new challenge begins TODAY and this time I'll do my best to go a whole month without these super stimuli that cause so much damage to our health.

Stay strong people! and best of luck!

 

GUESS WHAT everyone! I took a BIG step towards my recovery tonight. I just deleted my WHOLE porn collection (which had grown to almost 2TB!) Also got rid of my porn bookmarks, rid of even all my celebrity pictures (nearly 1TB, hoarded over the course of more than a decade) and I have finally made the commitment to go as long as I can, without PMO and not just limiting it to the one month I had previously mentioned!

In a way, I was just scared of change and scared of being a MAN once and for all and taking care of my own issues, without expecting some kind soul to help me out of this hellhole. Today is the day when I finally act like the man I was born to be and take matters into my own two hands, in search for the much needed change I need and deep down CRAVE.

I've had enough misery in my lifetime and I'll be damned if I let THIS be my life for as long as I'm here on this Earth. I won't go down like this.

I have to thank Elliot Hulse (the guy I mentioned on my previous post on this thread) because it was through HIM and one of his videos that I got the idea of visiting this site and starting a challenge. If it weren't for him, this never would have happened.

I also have to thank William (a NoFap brother who private messaged me today) for his valuable input into my situation and for giving me the kick in the ass I needed in order to finally commit to this wholeheartedly. At first my ego and the addiction demon on my shoulder was irked that he was urging me to do more for my own recovery, but then after I read his long, yet great message, it somehow clicked with me and I finally opened my eyes.

It will be hard to re-program my brain and my SOUL into better and more healthy, normal behaviors and patterns, as you all know, but I'm counting on all of you out there to help me in this fight and I know we can ALL make it out of this if we keep on supporting each other, even when it's in a tough-love sort of way, like William did with me.

Thanks to all of you for following this thread and I'll be sure to keep you guys updated on my progress. I know now that I CAN make it! And I WILL!

Stay strong and be well!

 

Here's a blog post I made on my LJ to commemorate this day. Maybe some of you might find it inspiring or mildly interesting. Just thought I'd post it here too (foul language alert!):

"Today is the day when I finally take matters in my own hands and CLIMB out of the hellhole I've been in all my life.

Not that it's a secret, cause it was easy to pinpoint and tell what was mostly wrong with me for everyone I crossed paths with, but porn and masturbation addiction had me in a pitiful state of physical and MENTAL health for nearly two decades and I was just too weak and self-indulgent to do something about it until recently. I KNEW the very reason I am a hermit and a prisoner in my own house and body, was my lack of self control and the way I "act out" when I'm in public or even alone, but I was in full denial mode, thinking I could "manage" the amounts of porn and masturbation, so that I could "have my cake and eat it too". I thought: "maybe if I just cut down, I'll be fine". And I DID! It's been more than THREE years since I only fapped ONCE a day, which in today's high speed internet, endless porn at your fingertips world- is NOTHING. But no change was apparent and I actually got worse as time passed. I had less self control than ever, less vitaliy and energy. My mind and body were against me and it had been SO long since I had started to judge and belittle what my body did and how I couldn't control it, that I was at the point where I didn't even know what I liked, what I wanted and just WHO I WAS, in every aspect of the term.

I created SUCH a big disconnect between my body and my self, that I started to see things from OUTSIDE of my body, as if I was hovering above it. I didn't inhabit my body and for damned sure didn't OWN it. I lived in a state of confusion. In a deep haze and I wasn't in touch with REALITY anymore. I was gone. Completely. The only thing that brought my body and mind together and caused me to finally FEEL something, was masturbation. And that's why I became addicted to it. Causing SO much damage to myself and becoming a slave to the HUGE surges of dopamine my brain was subjected to.

My spirit was broken. I felt dead, I had no life force, I was depressed, weak, nothing seemed to matter, nothing or NO ONE. I still feel I don't love or care for anybody and they don't care about me either. Even my famliy.

Everything started to change in January of this year. I somehow felt another surge of motivation and drive coming up, and I decided to start dieting and exercising so I could lose the 100+ lbs. I had gained in the past two years. I ate to fill the hole in my soul and in search for some much needed comfort and pleasure. The masturbation was not pleasurable anymore either, but I can only NOW see that. It made me feel SO guilty, ashamed, more depressed and most of all, it brought on even MORE pain in my body, which was so intense and hard to tolerate, that I just had to escape it. I was FORCED by my addiction and the pain it caused to create an alternative way of going about my life. I subconsciously created an alternate world where I could hide from the pain, a safe place that I could run to, where the loser assholes in the world couldn't get to me with their mocking and insults, a place where I just didn't FEEL A THING. A warm, cozy place in my brain, away from the horrific pain, both psycho-emotional and physical, that being me STILL entails. A place full of pleasure and comfort. I've been running from the pain my whole fucking life (even before I even knew what sex or fapping were), and masturbating so much just made it worse, a LOT worse. The trouble was that, going to that warm, beautiful, peaceful place, caused even MORE hatred towards me and drove even more negative attention towards me when I was in public or even in my own room, trying to pretend to be OK.

But all this shit, all this fucking terrible shit ENDS HERE AND NOW. I'll be damned if I sit here, fading away, for the rest of my days without doing something about it. I don't want THIS, this pathetic bunch of horseshit, to be my life forever. I won't go out like this motherfuckers!

So yes, today I deleted my WHOLE fucking porn collection (over 2TB worth, hoarded since fucking 1999), deleted my porn bookmarks and finally made the commitment to quit porn and masturbation for as long as I can. This is the beginning of my new life!

I owe it all (well, not ALL! cause I AM dong this through sheer willpower and strength of character after all! So I do deserve SOME credit!) to a guy on YouTube, named Elliott Hulse, whom I found while in search of a video on how to perform a Dumbbell Bench Press correctly. I ended up noticing how he had a SHITLOAD of other videos, with VERY interesting titles and I ended up watching a couple. I liked his NO BULLSHIT, take no prisoners, slap life in the fucking face and make it your bitch personality, so I kept on watching more and more. It turns out this dude is a fucking genius and a truly enlightened being. He doesn't look smart or any different than your average YouTube musclehead giving lifting advice. One tends to associate a lot of muscle with a dim wit and a superficial attitude, but this dude shatters those notions into fucking pieces. His whole deal is helping people become "the strongest version of themselves", a phrase he "coined", and he tackles the WHOLE spectrum of what a human being should be, in order to be that strongest version. He doesn't stop with superficial, superfluous LOOKS and muscles, he goes deeper, all the way into the way you behave, feel and think, to the overall and complete wellness of your body, seeking a FUNCTIONAL and HEALTHY body first and foremost, instead of just being a showy cunt with big muscles yet a ton of imbalances, hang ups, fears, issues and "neurotic holding patterns" as he calls them.

He teaches that one should take a look at EVERYTHING that makes you a human and improve it all from the inside out, and only THEN will you be the strongest version of yourself. His videos are fucking priceless if you ask me, and he has become my far-away, online mentor over the past few weeks. It is through HIM and his video on how to release sexual energy without fapping, that I found nofap.org, a website dedicated to people who are TIRED of being slaves to internet porn and the subsequent masturbation habit that it brings. The site is pretty damn great, and it provides support and resources for those who are willing to enter a "challenge", as they call it, where you commit to abstain from porn and/or masturbation for a given period of time. You can choose how long the whole thing lasts, and customize it for your own needs and level of commitment. Some people choose to abstain only from porn but keep on having sex and masturbating. Others abstain from both, it's all up to you.

I found the site "interesting" in the mildest sort of way (this was because the addiction demons on my back were SCREAMING for me to NOT commit to a challenge), so I half-heartedly decided to do a WEEK long challenge. The first couple days I continued browsing the celebrity picture blogs I am SO VERY attached to. I save the sexiest pictures and used them later as fap material. Browsing the blogs, hoarding pics, was my favorite pastime and it gave me a big rush and a high. But then, as the days passed, I found that looking at porn and getting all horny and excited, WITHOUT the release, was plain old painful, so I just stopped. I also quit other obsessions like hoarding music, TV shows and obsessively reblogging shit like a maniac on Tumblr. I NEVER missed a single post from my followed blogs. I'd sit here for AGES, trying to get through and look at EVERY single post on my dash, while reblogging a HUGE amount of shit. The people who follow me probably hated how much I posted!

So yes, for days and days, watching Elliott's videos, reading his e-books and searching for self-improvement shit was my NEW obsession (use a nail to drive another nail sort of deal!) replacing hours of endless search for fap material. I have realized I was more addicted to the porn than to masturbation itself.

I've tapered off now (from obsessively watching Elliott Hulse videos) but I still love and respect the man to death. I'm still reading some of his ebooks, which I even PURCHASED, which is a first for me. Now that I have my credit card, I am buying shit left and right, since I have some money saved.

So yes, that is my long ass story and that brings you all (all ONE or TWO of you who might read this) up to date on my current situation. I'm slowly changing, improving, becoming the person I was put on this world to be. It will be a long hard road out of hell, but I know now that I CAN and WILL make it. I made it alright through my week long challenge, but as soon as it ended, I just HAD to "reset" (a term used by NoFap members, to indicate you broke your no fapping streak and thus reset and start anew). I fapped ONCE and it wasn't even that great and it was painful aftewards.

You can't imagine the feeling of relief and freedom I felt today while deleting everything related to porn from my hard drives. It was a fucking rush. And right then, I just KNEW I'd make it. More on this story soon."