Addict

I never took drugs. Any.
I never smoke a single cigarette. Not a single puff.
I few times had a drink and those I can count with one hand - it was just a sip of wine, half glass, I was never drunk and for many years, I drink just a tea, water, tea w/o sugar and milk.
I never spent a penny on a gambling machine.

And today I pity that very much.

Because if I were a drug addict, there is help at every corner for those who look. I was even helping people out of their addiction. If I were a smoking addict, there are "quit smoking" ads all over the place. If I was a drunk, yup, that would be more complicated they say, but AA meetings are abundant, I would know exactly where to go and whom to meet. I know people who had quit drinking. For gambling, there is a help line number on every gambling machine in a city, you almost stare at it inbetween your rolls (I checked that because I was pissed with numerous gambling places being open in my city).

Do I have a will to command my body. Yup. I did three days, seven days, even fourteen days just drinking plain water. Name a thing and I will break a neck to prove you I can go without it.

EXCEPT ONE.

When did I start my masturbation habit? After my first "wet dream". When did I start my porn addiction? The moment I accidentally discovered father's porn magazine when dusting and sorting books in parents room. A loong time ago. And guess what, with the age, onset of internet, it only grew worse.

As of today, I can go couple days without masturbation, my screaming record of the last year was two weeks - when I was working abroad, on duty 24/7 and without any glimpse of internet. But during my regular life, I am nowhere near that. I can do maybe two days. But what is worse and harder is to abstain from internet porn. That could be couple of hours every other day, sometimes when I try really hard or I am stressed, I keep clean only to discover myself being able to watch it the next WHOLE DAY, call in sick, end up exhausted and needing couple next days to actually recover and be able to function more-less normally again.

My whole life is postponed, after a very painful break-up five years ago I stopped functioning normally, I dropped from school (phd), was admitted again, only to find myself falling behind once more, still live by parents and have nowhere enough money to even think about starting a family. My new relationship is fragile, the girl is heartly, but has quite a strict policy on anything physical before marriage, which does not help, only adds towards the frustration.

So my achievements I started this post with? They are nothing, false pride, there is nothing to be proud of, my porn habit substituted everything, other addictions were not given a chance to develop, that's all.

I have a dual monitor setup, so on one screen I even used to read about the latest porn star dropping out of the business and on the second googling her first ever or best ever porn video - made my session especially thrilling.

I want to stop. What makes it difficult, there are no groups around that can really provide any help. Nobody really talks about it. All other addictions are diagnoses around here, if you want to quit, health insurance is happy to pay for your treatment. Support groups are around every corner. For internet porn, only help you really can find is, ironically, only on the internet.

I feel like a cocaine user trying to quit by flying to Colombia to work in a coca refinery.

If I talk to priest, he tells me to pray more, to use computer less and other true things about the Gods love and the value of women. True, true, but computer is my bread. I cannot use it less, I can only use it in the right way.

But I tried... and the result: trips to "special massage" places...

There is not any anonymous group for porn addicts that I know of around here in the real life. So I am turning to this community, looking for sane people, I do not know if I even can be helped. Maybe they find me masturbating even after I pass out.

I have tried to develop new habits - I got a piano into my room, had it repaired, now is completely out of tune, eaten by bugs and I cannot really open it because of papers on top of the keys. Started a French course, quit after a month and something. Paid for a photography course which I did not even attend. All based on excuses that I am too busy. Well, I am, but I would not be if I used all my porn time to do my job or something funny. I committed myself to write postcards and letters, I stopped after six.

I don't think this overly long intro can be of interest to anyone. But I know I writing to helpless myself to refer to it in a hopefully brighter future.

You guys have fulfilled lives and best of luck to everyone trying to claim their own back from the lures of internet porn. We all know too well it is not easy. Hail to those who also know that it can be done.

 

Hi, maybe you are right about the grass. And thanks for writing. My last streak was a long time ago, without internet or time. I am in a very different situation at the moment. Back then and there, it was easy. Today, every day, every hour, is rock HARD.

But I know I cannot beat myself, I can overcome the urges for the moment, but in the end, I think the goal is harmony, unity and peace. I don't want to fight my own body and I don't want my own body to fight me.

I wish my body, my sould and my heart could be a pure, clean and united one.

 

Ugh, going through a near break-up situation does not help things. The question is, how much this was porn-induced.

We never reached even the second base in our almost three months of relationship but she thinks I am "too much sexually oriented" and have a different perspective of life.

Cannot be intimate beyond a hug with a girl I love, yet...

Fighting two extremes.