I have been struggling with porn induced HOCD for over a year now. Like most, I saw side boob when I was 12 and was in love with women ever since. Over the next 15 years I would slowly progress into different levels of porn. Cuckolding was the main genre I seem to be drawn to, mainly for the denial aspect. Then that led to censored porn, blogs categorized it as "loser" porn. Again, I found the aspect of denial arousing. I began to notice I was slowly losing interest in professional porn, and would only look for the homemade stuff, and I'd go back and forth between that and censored. These censored blogs began throwing in transwoman and sissy type images and I would quickly scroll away and wouldn't think twice as I continued on. One day when I was on the edge, a blog post stated that the next level of censored porn is transwoman porn, and for some reason at that moment It aroused me beyond belief. I had never had interest in the genre, nor gay porn, even though I saw it all the time on accident, due to my denial fetish, it never aroused me, but after I watched it WILLINGLY it took over my brain and unraveled everything I believed in. I saw women as goddesses, and now I can't stop seeing them as men, transwomen. This has been going on for a year now and I am so scared it won't go away. I have not watched anything transwoman related in 6 months, just regular solo girl videos. It's very odd to cope because when I see a woman, I get physically stimulated, but mentally I feel nothing, there is no mental arousal. Its so bizzare. Female genitalia seems so unnatural to me now and I hate it. Stumbling onto transwoman porn has merged what a like and what I don't like and is caused a major pressure in my head, when it comes to women. When ever I would PM I would end up looking at transwoman stuff after watching vanilla, but after 2 minutes of transwoman porn I'd go back to the vanilla and O. Then feel disgusted having willingly looked at it. I was the guy who thanked god for being a man, with all these beautiful women to see and talk to, now my mind is conflicted and filled with thoughts that are not my own. When ever I see a woman there is this small voice in my head shouting transgendered person! it sounds ridiculous but it's been that way for 8 months. Will this ever go away? TLDR My denial fetish led me to transwoman/sissy porn and now I can't stop seeing women as transgender/transwoman.
Something like that happened to me. I started as we all did as a young looking at magazines. After the internet appeared, I used to watch all clases of porn, but always straight. But about a year I started with transgendered people and sissy, genres that in the past I'd never considered to watch since I'm straight! And now, as you said, I have a conflict with myself and I know that I don't like men. That's when I found NoFap, when I knew that that was becoming an issue. My advise to you is to do a "mental refresh": Stop watching porn for good. Stop PMO from once and for all. I recommend you to start configuring your "day counter" to keep a track of all the days without PMO. Let me tell you that abstaining from P really helped me to get back on track. A couple days I relapsed with my old fetishes (transgendered person, sissy, etc), and I was surprised since that type of porn wasn't arousing me as usual. Keep it up bro, we're here to support each other
I don't know that it will ever go completely away. I think it could and certainly likely will at the very least lessen. But it isn't going to get better if you are still looking a P or indulging fantasies. We need to be careful what we put into our minds. If your still using P then the demon in your mind is probably wanting to push you into nastier and more degrading P. That is what it does. Stop stoking the fire.
