Addicted to the source of sexual pleasure? Breaking up insight..

I have a journal on here if anyone is interested. I hit 200 plus days SR and then I got in almost a two year relationship where sex and masturbation was common. The best I felt was when I was still in 200 days, my life and energy slowly got drained throughout relationship I was up and down depending on when I last orgasmed.

She broke up with me 6 weeks ago abruptly, im quite sure she was some sort of psycho narcisiist but forget that. Im struggling to get over her, like my last relationship.

Im on day 16 SR now. Depressed and suicidal alot. It got me thinking.

Ive never really watched porn so am definately not addicted to it.
I masturbated to visual fantasy alot, maybe I was addicted to that.
In a relationship most my orgasms are from SEX with my partner..

I have always found breakups hard even though the relationships were not that great and I could do better for myself. Its like im addicted to that person and cannot let them go no matter how shit I feel in relationship. It got me thinking am I addicted to them as they was the source of sexual release? In the same fashion as people get addicted to porn and masturbation?

Is bonding between man and woman just an addiction to the source of sexual release? Ive always felt I fall in love with anyone I have sex with. There was onegirl who I didnt have sex with at all and masturbated more than had sex and breaking up with her was much much easier.

Im 40 now and the more I go through life I feel like im just not made to be in a relationship. Im determined not to orgasm next one I get into.

Im currently depressed weak suicidal, voice is nasally and weak and all I want to do is isolate in bed. Feels like zero dopamine. All I can think about is my ex and wondering if there is a way back with her. Its like a drug addicts brain trying to convince them to go and get a hit of whatever drug it is. I know I shes no good for me, I know theres no going back but my brain is focused on it.

Is human bonding based around the high of orgasm and the addiction to it.

 

My ex just got me arrested for a third time, despite knowing what an unhealthy evil nasty love less piece of shit she is, I can feel my brain trying to get back with her and have that good sex again.

I think I am seriously broken.