Addiction: Online Cyber Sex & Roleplay struggles anyone?

Hey,

I hope everyone is doing okay and is coping well. I decided to post as I feel so lost and hopeless and suffering from my addiction. I am not struggling so much with stream sites and porn sites but more with online chat rooms and roleplay where I engage with cybersex and character-based sexual scenarios. I'm desperately trying to stop but feel I need help and support to do so after so many failed attempts at trying to quit on my own. I have tried to find support for my particular issue but have only come across information on sexual addiction & pornography addiction that is more general. While I agree that the issue I am facing is a sexual addiction and springs from intimacy and attachment issues, I think it is quite specific and wondered if anyone was also having trouble with this issue and needed support or someone to hold them accountable just like me. I have seen one other thread about this issue here, which filled me with hope knowing I am not alone but sadly nobody has posted since 2017 so I thought after some deliberation to create my own post. I am going to share my story below to give some sort of timeline of my struggles. I hope it doesn't seem too much like a pity party but I'm hoping by sharing that someone else who might be lost like me will reach out. Hopefully, we can then support each other with our recovery and healing. I know this post is long but I wanted to get everything down in the hope of being of service to others:

The problem initially began when I broke up with "R" while I was still living in London, so probably around 2015-ish...? The relationship was very intense and quite traumatic and a huge void was left in the aftermath which was filled by this unhealthy behaviour. It recently dawned on me that I have always had issues with intimacy and attachment, having never felt fully confident in myself, attractive and worthy of love. A host of my other issues come into play here and this is where I think things get quite complex because there is a lot to unpack and they all seem interconnected. Struggling with low self-esteem, body dysmorphia and social anxiety (to name a few!) I never really allowed myself the possibility of a meaningful relationship before "R", mainly out of fear and self-doubt and because I was totally afraid. I've always longed for a relationship but always felt like an outsider looking in yet all the time yearning for connection. I think I've always found it difficult to talk with girls/women and doubted whether I could function in a relationship because of my underlying lack of confidence or belief in myself. I think in the past I've mainly fantasized about relationships rather than actively tried to seek them out. I think I've obsessed over the idea of a relationship with her rather than pursuing it as an actuality. There are times I could have asked girls out but been too scared of rejection or felt unworthy. With "R", things were different because I felt the connection instantly and she is really the first person I had let close to me in terms of intimacy and a physical relationship. Before her, I had only ever had one-night stands or "hooked up" with girls when I was totally drunk, relying on these situations to fulfil my need for connection with a fake sense of confidence when I was totally outside of myself and less closed up due to alcohol. So, when the relationship started to break down and eventually ended I kind of turned in on myself and shut myself off again because it was too painful to deal with. I was studying for an Art Foundation at the time with the aim of returning to study art at degree level and so I just threw myself into this and focused on this intensely so that I didn't have to deal with the emotions of the break-up or have to experience the difficult feelings to their full extent. Obviously once the course I wasn't studying finished, I was then faced with the reality of my feelings, which were extremely hard to process.

Naturally, when a relationship ends there is always the question of what went wrong and why things ended the way they did but at 27-28 I had never really experienced this before and so I sort of spiralled out of control because I didn't have the necessary experience or tools to come to terms with it. I'd put so much energy into the relationship and probably put so much pressure on it too that I was devastated when it didn't last. At the time I thought she was "the one" and I couldn't believe that someone so attractive, talented and interesting could be attracted to me, so when I was left to face my feelings and was alone again, I just couldn't cope. I became very withdrawn and felt let down after finally opening myself up to an experience only to be left hurt when it didn't materialise how I thought it would or could.

I don't know how or why it started but at some point, during this period of post-breakup depression, I started to engage in online chat rooms to fill the hole when there was no more real intimacy to enjoy. This is where my problem began and I've become heavily involved in this perverse behaviour as a coping mechanism ever since. I've always suffered from social anxiety but in combination with other issues, I find that when things become too intense for me or I feel completely overwhelmed, I turn to this behaviour to escape. It is not just external difficulties that I find difficult to confront but also my internal dialogue, my constant ruminations (which are also a struggle I am working on) as well as any difficult feelings or experiences that come along. To give you an idea of what this looks like, I find myself unable to move or function properly, I spend extended periods of time in bed and start to develop characters and roleplay, acting out scenes online with partners that are of a sexual nature. Obviously, there's a gratifying element at play here but also a fake kind of connection that keeps me attached to the action and behaviour even when I know it's detrimental to my mental and physical wellbeing and cuts me off from my connections in the real world. I create characters and scenarios, behaviours that have developed and evolved over time. I think I am perhaps attracted to this kind of excitement over let's say regular pornography because there is a creative element involved. It isn't so passive, it involves my mind being activated and through this misguided use of my creative energy I can escape myself, and my emotions and move my mind to another place where I can avoid my difficulties, ignore my issues and exist in another world.

Through my research into healing, I have found a lot of information on the relationship between the increase in pornography addiction and technology and digital media and the role this plays in depression. While on occasion my behaviour and these scenes can be supplemented by pornography (stream sites, video content, naked imagery) I wouldn't say it is something I regularly seek out or struggle with as I don't compulsively consume it in the same way as the chat sites. That said, the compulsive actions of what I am doing are very similar in nature and the actions I am taking do spell addiction. Instead, I use non-naked images of people as the basis of my characters and share these with a partner to make a scene. TikTok and Google are my placed to source these non-threatening images. I do find myself being unable to balance my daily activities and manage the demands of my life. I'm putting off tasks, avoiding social situations and feeling unable to function like a regular human as a result of the compulsive behaviour I'm involved in. All symptomatic of a serious problem. Furthermore, I know how much time I waste in this engagement when I could be doing more productive things and working hard to bring more joy into my life if I could only apply myself and make more effort. I think the instant gratification attached to this endeavour is obviously the thing that keeps me coming back time and again, even though I know I feel like shit and experience extreme shame and mood swings, after every single session.

Originally, I didn't see the concern but it has intensified and escalated over time and the frequency has increased. At one point the chats led to skype sessions with individuals, which led to me forming a relationship with a girl in New York who was also into this roleplay and cybersex behaviour. Her sexual tastes which were a lot more extreme than mine made me uncomfortable as I got to know her and I came to realise that she was extremely damaged and this was not behaviour I should be engaging in because it wasn't real or better put, wasn't the reality I wanted for myself. Thankfully I had the sense to withdraw from this "relationship" and avoided exploring areas I wasn't comfortable with but the behaviour has continued and it still feels too intense and perverse for me when what I really want and what I should be seeking is a real connection in a healthy relationship with proper boundaries. The characters I engage with also change and evolve and while I am totally comfortable with my heterosexuality in "real life", online this can ebb and distort, which is obviously confusing and concerning as it also disrupts my sense of self in an unhealthy way. I've read a lot recently about porn's ability to change and shape the neuroplasticity of the brain and I think it is the same in this case with online roleplay; I can feel the behaviour blurring and disrupting my decision making and I worry that If I continue down this path then there could be more serious consequences, which I might be out of my control. Like any addiction, the pattern of behaviour is difficult to break but I know I need to find a way to do so as I already feel so bad about myself, which I am sure will only get worse with more time. I've had to withdraw from group chats with friends on apps like WhatsApp and Telegram because I want to decrease the amount of time I spend online but also because this compulsive nature and chat function of back and forth mirrors the behaviour I have been engaging with in these chatrooms and I want to break the cycle of this behaviour in order to stop. I find that my issues here are so similar to the issues I experience with food and comfort/binge eating. It is a very secretive, compulsive behaviour that I am unable to manage and control. I don't have the strength or discipline to overcome it currently and it keeps me isolated and unhappy. I know I am doing long-term damage to my health and wellbeing by engaging but the instant gratification allows a temporary respite from having to deal with "me". What is of concern is that immediately after engagement with these behaviours I go back to feeling terrible about myself because it creates this unbreakable and heavy shame cycle.

I did manage to overcome this issue for some time when I moved to Germany in 2017. I think the change of scene and starting a new life with new experiences brought me out of my shell more and made me appreciate life again. Meeting "M" and finding that intimacy and connection again was good for me and for a time I felt happy again. The behaviour disappeared. Unfortunately, this was only a temporary pause rather than a lasting change. The struggles of adapting to my new life here and the conflicting pressures that came with adapting to a new culture, supporting myself and studying caused me to withdraw once again. As I grew to understand "M" I found that her insecure attachment issues made me uncomfortable and I felt under scrutiny constantly. Her possessive and critical nature was concerning and toxic elements in the relationship meant that I began to withdraw and this behaviour began to creep back into my life. Towards the end of our relationship when things became extremely difficult emotionally and when I was struggling personally, I found myself engaging in this behaviour once again. I didn't see this as infidelity at the time but looking back on it, it probably was and obviously, as a secret behaviour, this wasn't something that I could discuss with "M" because I thought she would get even more upset me. I don't think I quite realised I had an addiction or a problem then like I do now. Also, it was extremely hard to talk to her about anything at this point and as she was the reason, I was withdrawing from the relationship because of how wronged I felt by her constant accusations and criticism. As a result, I found myself closing up, unwilling to let her in. In hindsight, I can take responsibility for my actions and I could have handled the situation far better. I have addressed this issue with "M" since and told her everything. To her credit, she has been completely understanding and for that I am grateful but sadly the damage has been done. I will always regret knowing that my actions and my lack of presence in the relationship contributed heavily to its downfall.

Since my breakup with "M" this behaviour has intensified again, I have never really moved forward and I am terrified that this behaviour will creep into any future relationships I might have, which has prevented me from pursuing new connections and forging new relationships. I've tried dating but I messed up the situation badly and didn't handle it well. Partly because of the trauma of my relationship with "M", partly because of my intimacy issues and partly because a real relationship takes more work than online sexual scenarios. My fear is that I will always be alone and this causes me to feel depressed, which then causes me to act out with the same behaviour, which then makes me feel ashamed and around and around it goes.

I have attempted several times now to quit for good. At one point having a successful 52-day streak but relapsed during the COVID lockdowns. With the lack of opportunity to form real connections I once again found myself going back to the same behaviours and indulging in these stupid, meaningless fantasies. I have tried putting blocks on my phone, which has been helpful. I have also tried the same with my computer but this has not worked so well as it seems easier to bypass the filters, despite password protection and especially on Google Chrome where it is so easy to uninstall extensions. I also joined a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting once but felt so upset that I didn't return. I didn't feel it was the right place for me. I heard people's stories and it just filled me with sadness and shame. I also don't know if the sexual addiction I am dealing with is quite the same. I am not experiencing issues with excessive stream site pornography or acting out in perverse ways in public or in real life and this kind of scared me when I listened to other people's quite shocking accounts (no judgement of course). However, what I am doing is detrimental, it does feel impossible to quit and it does make me feel desperately unhappy inside so I do need to find a support group of some kind where I can air my concerns. My worry is that I will never be free of this struggle and it scares me that it has such dominance over my life.

Fast-forwarding to today and the struggle continues. Though I am happy to say I have not engaged in this behaviour for 2 days. This is no mean feat and I take a lot of strength from this. I am exercising and for the time being, limiting any alcohol or weed use so that I can practise self-control and self-discipline, two things that I am clearly not very good at. I am taking every opportunity to try to be around people and forcing myself to be outside, reducing the amount of time I spend alone and online. I used to think I was good in my own company but now I am not so sure and at the current time don't trust myself to act with my best interests in mind. I feel clearer and have noticed a change and difference in the last couple of days but I also know that I have been here before and that any slight biochemical imbalance or external pressure could force a relapse. As mentioned above, I recognise that for me this is a serious issue and something I really need to control. I have some organisations to contact and will do this over the weekend and I am hoping that this will provide some of the necessary support that I need. I also know I need to build a better support network around me, which means discussing these issues with more people so that I can stay accountable. I have spoken with my parents and my sister about these issues but have not gone into full detail as I have here or with other friends because I don't want them to worry. I also have a couple of other friends that know about this but as they are both females, I don't feel as comfortable discussing these issues with women as I do with men so far. One thing I have read about through studying 12-step programmes and addiction literature is the importance of having a sponsor or accountability partner. A trusted person you can call or contact when you feel like you might be spiralling or close to giving in to temptations or feel the need to act out. This is something I know I could definitely benefit from and I know I am a good person and friend who can show up for other people too. I think being of service to others will offer me the right kind of connection and I guide my needs into more positive avenues.

I hope what I have said above is clear (at times I realise I have jumped around a bit) and I know this is a lot to take in. I have gone into great detail here to try and be as open and transparent with my struggles as I possibly can to let you know the magnitude of what I am dealing with. Just writing this post has been a huge help, as I have never been able to verbalise the problems like this before and have never quite tracked the escalation or chronology in this way. I have tried to work at this alone but it just isn't working and with this in mind, I am looking to share with others experiencing similar issues in an open dialogue with honesty and trust.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read this account, I hope I haven't been selfish or self-indulgent in doing so because I don't like to burden people with my problems. If any of this does resonate and you feel as alone as I do in your struggle, please feel free to reach out to me and I will do my best to help you so that we can move past this issue and heal together

Cheers

D

 

I am sorry to hear that. I engaged with voiceplay too which became more interactive and more like "Real-life" at one stage. I hope the situation improves for you. D

 

Thanks for the above reply, it fills me with a lot of strength. My apologies for not responding sooner, I have been experiencing further struggles and as there is a lot to unpack in your message I wanted to come back to you at a time when I felt more clear and ready as you obviously put a lot into your message and wanted to show you the same respect.

I couldn't agree more with you, the amount of time I have wasted engaging in this type of behaviour frightens me and it makes me wonder what my life would be like, had I not begun to engage in this behaviour. I feel as though I have wasted a lot of potential and opportunities by continuing with these compulsions and letting a lot of my energy sleep away, which could have been used for greater and more exciting things,

I also agree that it is the first thing I turn to when things become overwhelming and stressful as it provides escapism from myself and the situation and offers instant gratification. Like you, I feel alone with this behaviour though and while it doesn't offer real connection it seems easier than having to deal with the stresses and frictions that can occur in real-life relationships, situations and encounters. I've been reading a lot about attachment styles in relationships recently and I have come to understand that I have an avoidant attachment style, which needs work on. Perhaps doing your own research might help you too?

Access to readily available material through technology is a real problem for me and with devices at my fingertips and with the luxury of working from home, I can find myself online easily engaging when I should be prioritising other important responsibilities. Thankfully I have password protected my iPhone so that I can't access adult content or chat sites there but there are workarounds. For example, I have used Snapchat, grinder (even though I am heterosexual,), and whatsapp, engaging with with numbers from escort sites even though this goes against my moral compass. I find that this is usually a supplement for the engagement I am having on my laptop with chat sites. I have tried multiple websites blocking software all with little success, as here there also always seems to be a workaround too. I have also recently discovered Onlyfans and also used material here to enhance my chats as I take on different female personas to continue my rp explorations (something I can't really afford but am able to justify at the moment with my urges). I am not proud of these actions and my behaviours but what it shows is that I am desperately in need of connection and these actions provide something like this in the form of a quick fix but offer nothing as fulfilling as real-life engagement. I know that the work I really need to do is to understand why I am acting out online in this way, which calls for further self-care work, including therapy and some form of spiritual practice. This is something I must now pursue and investigate.

I think it's great you were able to discuss your issues with your mother, I think this is very brave even if you didn't divulge the full extent of the information. Talking always helps! I have also opened up with friends and my family members in various degrees of detail. It does feel powerful to share and I know when I have done this in the past it has made me feel stronger and so I know I need to do this more often. I also have a very strong bond with my own mother, so I am so sorry to hear about her passing that can't be easy.

I am also sorry to hear about your relapses and struggles. My past therapist told me that recovery is not a linear process and that there are setbacks and moments of turmoil and so I understand your frustrations and anger. I have tried quitting many times too, only to re-engage when times get tough even though I know it is against my best interests. With regards to your friend who you have met online. Is it worth discussing with her whether you can take the relationship out of the digital context? I know for me that, this would be too much of a temptation and too similar in activity to the problem you are trying to withdraw from.

I agree with you, I think pornography and this very particular online chat strain taps into some kind of genetic need we have for connection. I find I suffer from very bad social anxiety and now living in a country where there has been a language barrier to overcome, this has served as a quick fix that caters for my social needs. Obviously, this is misguided and misdirected and it requires effort to push past it when all I want to do is climb into bed and not face the world, to escape. As I type this, I have cancelled with a friend who I am due to meet tonight, only to then message her again to say we should do it and so I know also my behaviours are placing a strain on my real life relationships. I think it's important to be patient with ourselves in the healing process and not to get too down on ourselves when we don't get it right every time. I understand that this is easier said than done, however, like you I have moments where I feel close to tears and feel so low that I wonder if it will ever end. Currently, in my engagement, I can even feel how my physical and mental condition changes throughout the day and recognize that porn really does affect all aspects of the body and is so detrimental to one's personal health.

In light of what I just said, I think it is important to remember that we are the first generations dealing with the effects of these powerful technologies and platforms. We are not equipt to deal with the emotional and physical fallouts. I think we need to find real-life connection to overcome these issues and fellowships to me seem a good starting place, a safe realm to discuss the issues and work on healing. It has taken a while but I am going to be trying to attend some zoom meetings through SCA https://sca-recovery.org/. Unfortunately there are no face-to-face meetings in my area but I am keen to start one. Perhaps you will find some benefits in it too. I will update you on my progress. I did attend an SA meeting once in the hope of moving past my issue and have also heard about SAA and while I believe these are very important organisations I don't think they speak directly to the online behaviours we seem to be involved in.

I am with you in that speaking about this and sharing honestly and openly makes the addictions and compulsions lose their power and significance and I think you're super brave for taking the steps to do so. If you're anything like me, this has been scary because I worry what other people's reactions will be but I think it is important to remember that sexuality is a healthy thing and that we are not disgusting or perverted, it is just that our sexual urges and need for connection have been hijacked by the behaviours we have developed through these platforms and as a result, we have been looking for these valuable things in unhealthy places.

I am not going to lie, I am still experiencing my struggle, I have just binged the last weeks due to the stresses of current personal issues and financial struggles but I know that laying in bed all day and engaging in this behaviour is not helping and is not going to solve my issues and so it takes work to make recovery from this illness work.

You've done a very admirable thing in reaching out and sharing your story and I appreciate it very much. It takes a lot of strength to do so and so like you, it's important to know you are not alone in the struggle.

If you ever need to talk about it, please share more here. I will be happy to hear about your experiences, particularly in the last months since your post.

I am going to try to stay sober from this behaviour going forward and hope to share more regularly here too. The last few days have been extremely difficult but I know this is not making me happy and needs to end and I DO want it to end. I know there is a healthier more joyful life available to me. I am going to try some different strategies to overcome and I will further share my experience. We are dealing with a unique and overwhelming issue that isn't talked about a lot here in other posts so I am hoping to raise awareness of it and like you, hope to help others and show support by sharing my account.

All the best!

D

 

Thanks RayanJAY

I appreciate your message. I posted this thread almost a year ago now and still battling with my issues and feel alone sometimes. Today has been particularly hard but I know that tomorrow is another day to begin again and try to stop this once and for all.
Dx

 

I appreciate your frustration and your struggles and completely sympathize. Though I also appreciate the input from loneloan and qbert, it isn't always as easy as just telling yourself "no" or rationalizing the detriments of these behaviours because it has developed into an addiction. An addiction is sadly a case of engaging in behaviours even when you know they are harmful and destructive to yourself. I know that the negative behaviours that I engage in aren't good for me and stunt my potential but I get overwhelmed in the moment with other external pressures and anxieties and engagement in online chat and roleplay allows me to escape myself and find instant gratification, which fades soon thereafter leaving depression and frustration behind with the sense of failing once again. It is a misguided need for connection and channelling of creative energy misguided in the wrong direction. I too have no issues with viewing or watching online pornography via tube sites (this happens extremely rarely) but I view my behaviour as engagement in another form of pornography. I think there is a way past this though, including recognizing triggers, putting up safeguards, engaging in healthy behaviours that give the same kind of satisfaction (i.e real-life connection, positive artistic/creative pursuits), counselling/therapy, 12-step groups and accountability partners and group/individual support.

I am really grateful for the recent replies here after so much quiet for so long. It keeps me accountable and gives me hope and strength. I hope it does the same for you. I'd also like to try and start an online group that focuses on healing regarding this matter and will try to post here more regularly. It has taken me so long to come to terms with my issues and to figure out what it is I am actually struggling with and now I have this focus, I would like to concentrate helping myself and others steer clear of this behaviour each day and to find ways to heal and recover. I have visited SA and SAA 12-step groups in the past and the closest support I have found that touches on my issues has been with SCA. Sadly I am not in the States and so there are no physical meetings available to help me, which I can visit, which means I rely on online meetings which tend to be short albeit sweet. In addition to the limited time available to share accounts and support in these meetings, I think even this group has some problems because a lot of sexually compulsive behaviour tends to revolve around acting out in public and engaging in promiscuous encounters with real-life partners. This seems counter to my issues and I assume this is the case for others too. My struggles have evolved from my fear of real-life connections and social anxiety, body issues and a sense of shyness which prevents me from seeking real-life connections and physical intimacy. Clicking online, via chatrooms, webcams and dating apps, offers a sense of connection, without the overwhelming sensation of engaging with real-life partners and the anxiety this can bring. So in this sense, while SCA recovery is hugely beneficial, it is slightly different to the struggles I and I am sure others are facing. Personally, I find my behaviours to be very secretive in nature and while the above groups can all be very beneficial safe spaces to talk about struggles, perhaps there is a need for a group support scenario that focuses primarily on roleplay, sexting and online chat...

I am more than willing to devote time to helping myself and others overcome these challenges because I am confident we all can and I know that with the advent of the internet and smartphones, the disorder I and others are facing represents a new phenomenon and perhaps there aren't answers available yet of how to overcome the issues we are dealing with.... But I do want to find ways to cope and to recover and I know from personal experience that overcoming this will lead to a great sense of happiness. I want to be there for others too and to help with healing. So if you are having struggles and don't feel confident to share in this public space, feel free to dm me in private as I am happy to talk and be there for you. Otherwise, let's try keeping this dialogue open, sharing information, tips and solutions that can help us all to overcome our struggles. I am interested to hear people's thoughts on what a group support dynamic might look like if others are interested and the logistics of how we can make this happen moving forward as we look to grow and heal...

Find Real Connection!

 

Day 1:
I am starting again form scratch. I've had multiple relapses and binge sessions regarding my issue but I want to recover from this so I will be writing here every day to keep myself accountable. This morning was my last session. Now I want to live a happier and more joyful live with real connection. I really don't want to do this anymore.

 

Thanks for the heartfelt message and also for your transparency. I appreciate the support and I am sorry that you have been struggling for so long with your challenges. I have never engaged in these types of real-life scenarios but I have at times messaged escorts but never with the intention of actually meeting. I think this in some ways is a heightened form of roleplay or connection as it has this element of reality in that sadly I have found exciting. However, I am glad you have a 12-step program in place to help you and this is my next step as I try to overcome my challenges. I appreciate being able to share and the same offer applies. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me here. I am trying to stay connected to help, share and support where I can.

D