Addiction Since Age of 9. This year I turned 20.

Masturbation since age of 9. Yeah.. 9. I was one of those kids sitting in front of his off white mountain of a computer screen. The ability to search for anything... It went from flipping the pages to the women section of the clothing catalogue lying around in my parents lounge.

To going on google images searching for boobs. Oh glorious - BOOBS. When I first came across I felt like Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction opening the briefcase with the bright light shining out of it. Ever since I opened this briefcase, I also started shooting my gun every time I had the opportunity.

Then came the pop up ads. My eyes wide open gazing at the screen. Draw dropped, Door shut and Locked. My dick felt instantly connected to what my eyes were seeing. Little does a kid know what he's getting himself into. Naturally I was a reserved kid at school. This meant when I got pissed off, I kept quite or in extremes I bust my knuckles... Punching grass and sometimes faces.

As a kid I never really got support how to control my anger because I never really wanted it. I felt weak expressing myself. What did I use as an outlet? Porn. After coming home, a couple of masturbation sessions - Voila. I felt calm and I slept like a baby.

But hold on. For a while this helped. Now my ability to control anger has matured but is just as low as my self respect. Because of this, I have not allowed myself to develop my ability to control my anger. In fact because of masturbation, I know I have limited my brain to develop naturally. I can feel it. Nowa day's my speech is sometimes slurred, and most of the time my mind feels blank. People talk to me at work, at home and I'm zoned out thinking about my problems.

I often hear... "Why are you ignoring me?" "Why did you ignore me when I just said that?" or even.... "What are you on about? I told you about that but you didn't even face me to respond".

My memory meanwhile is like the brain span of a goldfish. I often leave at least one my belonging every time I go chill around any of my social group's home.

Rewinding a little bit.. Few years down the line becoming a teenager. I come to partially realise what I was doing was not right - by instinct. Surprise to myself I got a ridiculously hot girlfriend in secondary school. While our parents were at work. For almost two years me and her had sex several time almost everyday. Experimenting every possible position.
The first time I ever had sex. I never even came! At the time I thought I was a badass blessed by God. Little did I know my porn addiction was severely degrading me and to continue to.

I even surprised myself that even though I had high sexual activity with another female. I still came home and carried on my porn routine. My girlfriend at the time asked if I watched porn. Which when I responded honestly, she didn't like asked me stop.

Which of course I reinforced with lies.

Slowly and eventually my penis never really rose whenever I seen an attractive female. My penis felt (still does) dud like it needed replacing batteries. Truth is, porn was effecting my life in many more ways that I slowly came to realise.

The way I socially interacted with females was wrong. I seen women wrong. As a result of my actions my natural mind-frame was wrong. This alone effects a man in many ways consciously and sub-consciously. But the downward spiral kept continuing till this day!

I always thought in my mind "I am not addicted. I can stop whenever I want".

So I tried.. Failed... and mentally this REALLY effects me. I personally believe a real man can control his life in all aspects. Or he is not a man at all. Where he finds weakness, he executes it from the root. Because as they say, a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. And porn addiction/masuturbation is my weakest link, and a problem for many other men out there.

Until I change myself. I will never feel like a man. I don't want to grow up even more, settle down, possibly have kids, and still be doing the same nonsense. The thought of me doing that makes me sick.

My personality for a long while is very hot and cold and random. I have many mood swings and I still talk disrespectfully toward women. Even the women in my life. Which I HATE. This makes me hate myself... See when a man begins to visualise himself as weak, it effects the way he looks at himself overall. My self esteem goes up and down along with my mood swings. My self respect is low.. and the list goes on.

A consequence to my actions is that. I even had this frustrated time in my life that within 3 months I slept with a total 13 sex workers. With and without protection.

I know.. anyone still reading this is probably thinking... Woah HA what an absolute idiot. To be honest your right. Endangering my own life is a serious action to make. Mentally and to my physical health. I have stopped since and I do not plan to do this ever again.

I have genuinely tried several times stopping my masturbation. I really tried hard stopping myself looking at that typical sexy women walking down the shopping isle in a short summer dress with long legs. Which in todays day is becoming more and more common.

As men, hearing high heals clacking is exciting. Most of the time it's the signal of the confident beautiful woman. Quick look at them legs and you know in your head your thinking.. "dammmmmnnnnnnnn giiiiirrrrl!!!!!"

Now at self disgrace and disgust I try every so hard stopping myself looking at any women in real life, period (which is not the way forward). Limiting how many times I masturbate during the day. But that didn't work, changed it to week, that didn't work. Changed it to months. That didn't work either.

As bad as this sounds. I even feel uncomfortable being around women in my family. Because they don't know what I have been getting up to for 11 years.

My penis does not feel connected to anything apart from the groin it hangs from.

In fact, every time I am alone at home. Every time I see a sexy lady on TV/Internet. My hand naturally wants to just go to my penis. It's came to a ridiculous stage, I have to wake my penis up until it gets hard. Just so I can release what my brain desires.

I have tried changing my internet browsing preferences, and blocking porn. But then I still remember videos on porn websites like an old man who has worked in the same librarian for 11 years. I have been through the majority of porn videos widely available to the general public, from light, damn right strange (but for some reason still gets your penis up just because it's different), and yes i'll admit... even extreme. (obviously apart from illegal child abuse videos).

Not too long ago I even looked on eBay about a penis cage which you can lock. But that's not using my will power. And honestly if I did this huge challenge with a cock cage, and took it off. After I unlocked it, I would still feel like the same old little boy trying to find symptoms to cure my problem. When really the root is in my head.

In life I came to an understanding, that if I want to achieve something efficiently. I need insight, support and connections with like minded experienced people.

Therefore as the date my username states I remain connected with everyone on the same boat as me. I will support anyone that needs it.

I would never want for anyone else to limit themselves in life like I have done. I know if I had a son, I wouldn't want him doing this bullshit it either.

By continuing to stay connected to this forum, staying positive, reading success stories any time I feel like I have an urge, listening to advice/constructive criticism. I plan to put a complete stop to my masturbation. To eventually balance my sexual health. Eliminating the blackhole I allowed to sink majority of my energy. Which if I want to become something in life, I need to allocate into my ambitions, dreams and hard work.

I want to be comfortable about myself around women in general and in my family right now, and the family I make in the future. The way porn portrays sex, is not true. When I walk down the road on a summer day, I want to be able to confident in myself as a person to go an approach that beautiful woman WITH RESPECT.

As corny as this may sound. But its true: Most of all in life I want to be the man that makes my mum proud. Porn and everything it drags with it is the complete opposite. I hope to never hurt her by mentioning this to her.

...Or maybe some point on a bright summer day cooking barbecue burgers, discussing old stories... in life I will perhaps briefly tell her as a joke that I had an "Addiction Since Age of 9. I cut it out my life at 20" - That way I have told actually told her but she would never believe it because by that time I WILL be a BETTER version of ME.

I'm making the choice today to move forward in my life, not go backwards or remain stuck. I wish this for you who may be in the same shoes who is reading this too. OR maybe your a teen who can link this to your own life. In that case learn to be a man and learn from my mistakes kid. If inside you know it wrong doing it, even by the slightest. It's because it is.

You have my support, and everyone else here too.

We will do this - I will do this. If you're still reading down... I thank you for your time in reading my shenanigans. PEACE.

 

Thank You!

 

Thank you for your time in replying to my message. I really appreciate what you have said. You are right, any porn related problems is a bitch. The most I had previously gone without fapping was 17 days whilst I was on holiday in a different country. I think being in a different environment from where I usually conduct my fapping really helps. However from my experience after them 17 days when I relapsed I had premature ejaculation and came within like half a minute. Which was strange as this was the first time I ever did this since I ever started my addiction.

Up in my post where I said I naturally at home just put my hand in my boxers when I see a attractive girl on tv/internet (doesn't even need to be porn related for me either). One tip that REALLY helped me was just resisting the temptation to even touch my penis at all unless necessary. In fact I set myself a strict rule in my head of NEVER touching me penis unless i'm either pissing from it, washing it in the morning.

I was so disciplined with that rule that when I put my clothes on and off in a day, I would be extra careful not to even touch my penis whilst putting my boxers on. But funny as this sounds, this helped believe me. Try it!

 

Thank You!

 

Yesterday night I went to sleep earlier instead of lingering online until midnight. I woke up earlier without my alarm too. I resisted last night and this morning. Ready for the day...