Hi everyone, I'm new to this whole world and just thought I'd come on here for some words of advice or reassurance that I'm not alone. My boyfriend of a year has recently decided to take on the NoFap challenge. This was due to our diminished sex life, (he definitely loves me and is amazing in every other way, but we rarely had sex) and when we did have sex, I just never felt like we had a true connection, when we had sex it was just like I was an "aid" rather than it being an intimate time for us both, this made me worry (you just know when something is wrong, don't you) and so that lead to me pointing this out, a few awkward conversations and me finding out a few things about his "kinks" later, we worked out that he had a porn addiction. He has been brilliant and totally got on board with the whole NoFap/reboot programme. We're doing this together, now we have had sex a few times, but other than that, he says he's totally committed and keeping his hands to himself. My question is, what should I do in this situation? I want to help and I want things to work out for the best, but I feel like I'd be a nagging mrs if I ask him every few days "how's it going? Any urges?" I don't want to peck his head, but on the other hand, I do want this to work. I understand it's a difficult situation, so any advice on how to approach the subject in a sympathetic way, would be greatly appreciated
I feel like I should add, he works at home all day, in front of a computer, so either he has the will power of an ox, or he's being lying to me about no fapping. Either way I just want to know, so I can get the trust back. Honesty is all I want
Dear Girl, I can only speak for myself and perhaps you might gain some insight into how guys work. I have been happily married for close to 30 years (my second marriage). My wife is a gift from heaven, very loving, understanding and with a great deal of common sense. When things have been difficult, we are always able to talk things out. BTW, no arguments in 30 years. Discussions but we love and respect each other. I have been dealing with a Porn addiction all my life and it didn't stop when we got married. I focused on the big O and that certainly kept me from engaging and enjoying total intimacy. I think guys are focused on an orgasm and seem to miss the total picture. I know my wife really appreciates me more when I take my time, and change my focus to her and not to some fantasy. I am new at NoFap, so I only have limited success to report but so far I have been able to please her a lot more. I don't think I can keep my hands to myself nor do I want to. By that I mean I am don't with self pleasure and porn and I am directing all my love to the woman I love. One thing that you might explore is whether or not your guy has a real deep understanding of love. I didn't earlier in life but I read a book entitled "How to enjoy the love of your life" by Powell (I think). You might suggest reading it together. It doesn't really focus on sex but on developing a deep love. I know guys are never taught about love. I observed my parents and godparents. They both had wonderful relationships. I wanted that but had no clue how to achieve that. Best of luck Traci
I would suggest your BF get an accountability partner (AP) and lock his equipment down with covenant eyes or a web reporting service like accountable2you. It is very difficult although not impossible for a significant other (SO) to be an AP. Why? Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings if he fails... Instead he will probably tell you things are ok when they are not. From your end, it's certainly ok to ask him how he's doing and encourage him. I do agree with your comment on being alone on a computer all day. That's a big temptation... So lock it down... Same with pads and phones. This will take time too. Expect cycles of failures and success. The more patient you can be, the more he will possibly open up to you. Meantime I suggest reading up and educating yourself. Also take on some personal fun things for yourself to get you out of the cyclical pattern of worrying and hovering... Which can create problems in your life. The really great news is he sees the issue and is expressing a desire to do something about it. You'll need to give him some room for him to figure out his path and be there with good advice when he has moments of being vulnerable to you. A good analogy? He has to ride the bike, you're there to steady him if he needs and wants it. I wish you guys the best... HF
Hi, Thanks so much for your responses. I just feel like because it's such a sensitive subject, I've got to a point now where I don't feel like I can ask him about it, I'm sort of just leaving him to it, we're not having sex, and I'm just trusting him that he's sticking to the NoFap programme. I'm not convinced. Same thing with the AP, I would like to suggest that, but I worry that he'll think I want to spy on him, so it's difficult to bring up. Ahhhhh this is all so awful. I love him so much, but I have thought about leaving him, because I don't see things changing. This is so hard (pardon the pun)
I jusy wanted to let you know you are not alone, unfortunately. I could have written this post myself. I am still in the early stages so have no advice but wanted to let you know that there are some great people here who understand and can support you and your husband.
It definitely is a very sensitive subject. But then so is having an intimate relationship with each other! I will say this from my own experience... Things will change if he can clean up. Part of this addiction desensitizes a personal to relationships. They hide behind a "wall" because of their "dirty" little habit. Living a double life. Suggesting an AP is not spying, IMHO. If he truly wants to change, he'll seek all the help he can get. You also mentioned he had a few "kinks." People vary in their sexual needs and some are much more comfortable expressing themselves physically. I'm believe two people in a committed relationship meet each others wants and desires. It takes mature people. They can be open like suggesting an AP without the fear of being "attacked" or criticized for their thoughts. Your last line really touched me though "I love him so much, but I have thought about leaving him." It is very important that you come first (no pun intended). A healthy relationship is about being yourself FIRST and sharing that "person" with your partner. The same applies to him. I would imagine it is almost impossible to see that in your relationship at the moment with him being addicted. If he is committed, IMHO, I believe you will see things change... Slowly but surely. Set up your boundaries to protect yourself. What ever you do.. stay, go... Make you mind up and stick with it. Best wishes - HF
