well I don't know how to start this. well I will say a little bit about myself. well since I was a child, I used to be very hypersexual, like I don't even know what was sex then, even then I would dry hump a pillow for no reason, playing doctor with kids, being very sexually active, without even knowing how babies are formed. I was raised very overprotective, like my mom used to bath me up until I was around 12/13. I was raised very overprotective. I was never allowed to have friends. my only friend until reached around 9th was my neighbour boy who is around 7 years younger than me. for some reason , no one in the school like me, like I remember a teacher made me to sit in the floor for straight up two months when I was in 5th grade, without even knowing the reason for it, I would sit seeing all other classmates, sitting in their desks. I was emotionally abused in my neighbourhood by other kids who was around the same age of mine. I discovered porn when I was around 8 or 9. when I was alone, it was the only thing that provided some form of company to me. I don't go outside, or play often. I used to consume a hell lot of pornography . when I reached at the age of 11 or 12, I discovered masturbation. that was the time, I discovered how babies are formed, and stuffs like that. during this time, I did something terrible. it was my sister, I don't know if I should call it sexual experimentation, or abuse. well she was way younger than me. I basically touched her private, got aroused by it and masturbated to it ( maybe because of the all the porn addiction I had) . there was no penetration, force involved. no one was harmed. I did it in a way that she won't realize that I was doing that to her, as I thought my mum will beat me if she found out. honestly I didn't had any idea that it was a crime, or it is a very bad thing. I was very ignorant, and just considered it as a normal act. I was very sexual then, and tried to do a lot of sexual things that I regret , none of them is harmful as the one i mentioned above. I even remember trying to ask a boy of same age for sex, even tho I was not a gay, anyway for some reason I didn't carried it out. well this memory came into my mind, when I was 16, and there was a conference about sexual abuse in my school. after I got this memory, I was depressed the whole day , and eventually forgot about it during the same day. during last year , I will get memory often, like whenever I hear a triggering news. I would freak out , It will give me intense anxiety. once I remember last year, I got this memory while I was masturbating randomly out of nowhere, and I thought like I am going to think I touched a adult women and tried to continue, but still remember how i got a panic attack and surrounded by shame and guilt and was not able to function. during this time I would be very careful around kids. sometimes, when I got this memory I would say to myself that I am not that guy anymore, I am a good and an appropriate guy now. i think my mindset that I had above explains the incident below well an incident happened last year. there was a girl who was around 10. I used to play with her. I never thought anything about children sexually. this time, the girl was wearing a pant. when we were playing carrom along with some other kids I found out that, she had a hold in her crotch area in the pants. I thought children won't be wearing under ware, and it is inappropriate to look at that area of a 10 year old child, so I stood up and ask them to play and gone outside. after sometime, all the kids come to me for playing again. this time I forget about it and then when I noted it again, this time I ended up looking at it, before I could tell myself to not look at it. thank god she was wearing a underware and i just gone from there, I never thinked about it again, like I never gave it a second thought. it was not because for seeking sexual pleasure, but because of like being appropriate, curiosity. even that time, I got only anxiety , never got any sexual feeling. not even once. I used to be very careful around children, like I will be very sure, to not touch their parts like their chest, butt even by accedent, as I would think to myself as a very good adult who is being appropriate. also I never close the door when I was alone with a kid, because I found it to be inappropriate. (I literally have no idea why I behaved like that. ) not even once I got any sexual thought about children. I repeat, not even once. but when I analyse all these situation it freaks me out. i mean why am I found all these things inappropriate? does that mean I am someone who is capable of sexualizing children? this really makes me worry that I am a pedophile. also last year I gone into the dark web out of curiosity. I accedently clicked a link that has cp in it. basically it was some pics of teenage girls, some of them were underage, and some of them were nude. I have multiple memories of this, one saying I masturbated to it, another saying I closed it immidiately. but I was sourrounded with guilt and fear for next 3 days after seeing it. well that is when I discovered the word pedophillia, and asked myself whether am I one. that is when the childhood memory came into my mind. I freaked out. I didn't know what to do , started to feel immense guilt over it. but what makes me freak out is that before that, I masturbated to some weird stuffs. like some gore $#%^ and in some ocassions, some zoophile porn, I don't have any idea why I masturbated to it. maybe my porn addiction? I also when I was 15 or 16 masturbated to some rule 34 stuffs in reddit. but recently I came to know that they are underage characters and it freaks me out. I thought reddit had no cp in it, and I start to obsess over it so after i discovered the word pedophillia, I asked myself whether am I one. during this time I developed myself a lot of false memories, to myself. around 99% of my false memories includes people who is around 1-3 years younger than me. but even me sexualizing people who is even a year younger than me is a great deal for me. because I won't even see someone sexually if i know they are even like 2 years younger than me, as they won't look like a good romantic partners. well I want to say that not even once I sexualize children sexually. not even once. even thinking of it gives me a panic attack well today, I posted something on this ocd subreddit, a guy sent me a link . I clicked it and it was a video of a 13 year old masturbating to it. I freaked out and got intense anxiety. I even tried to test myself that i am not attracted to that, then i freaked out, came out and deleted that reddit account. well I feel like a freak now. what if I was a pedophile secretly. I feel like death is the only way out. I have never thinked about children sexually. but after getting this, I am freaking out. like for testing purpose, I am giving myself all these intrusive thoughts, and when I noticed that the anxiety that I had with these thoughts reduced, it makes me freak out that I like the thought. I don't know what to do. I feel like killing myself is the only way out. I feel like a $#%^. just know that I am not looking for any sympathy. a piece of $#%^ like me don't deserve any. honestly I don't what in the world I am. I am new here, it's been around 3 days I started nofap. I don't know what is wrong with me.