Am I a pedophile

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by cursedforever1234, Jun 24, 2021.

  1. cursedforever1234

    cursedforever1234 New Fapstronaut

    well I don't know how to start this. well I will say a little bit about myself. well since I was a child, I used to be very hypersexual, like I don't even know what was sex then, even then I would dry hump a pillow for no reason, playing doctor with kids, being very sexually active, without even knowing how babies are formed. I was raised very overprotective, like my mom used to bath me up until I was around 12/13. I was raised very overprotective. I was never allowed to have friends. my only friend until reached around 9th was my neighbour boy who is around 7 years younger than me. for some reason , no one in the school like me, like I remember a teacher made me to sit in the floor for straight up two months when I was in 5th grade, without even knowing the reason for it, I would sit seeing all other classmates, sitting in their desks. I was emotionally abused in my neighbourhood by other kids who was around the same age of mine.

    I discovered porn when I was around 8 or 9. when I was alone, it was the only thing that provided some form of company to me. I don't go outside, or play often. I used to consume a hell lot of pornography .

    when I reached at the age of 11 or 12, I discovered masturbation. that was the time, I discovered how babies are formed, and stuffs like that.

    during this time, I did something terrible. it was my sister, I don't know if I should call it sexual experimentation, or abuse. well she was way younger than me. I basically touched her private, got aroused by it and masturbated to it ( maybe because of the all the porn addiction I had) . there was no penetration, force involved. no one was harmed. I did it in a way that she won't realize that I was doing that to her, as I thought my mum will beat me if she found out. honestly I didn't had any idea that it was a crime, or it is a very bad thing. I was very ignorant, and just considered it as a normal act. I was very sexual then, and tried to do a lot of sexual things that I regret , none of them is harmful as the one i mentioned above. I even remember trying to ask a boy of same age for sex, even tho I was not a gay, anyway for some reason I didn't carried it out.

    well this memory came into my mind, when I was 16, and there was a conference about sexual abuse in my school. after I got this memory, I was depressed the whole day , and eventually forgot about it during the same day. during last year , I will get memory often, like whenever I hear a triggering news.

    I would freak out , It will give me intense anxiety. once I remember last year, I got this memory while I was masturbating randomly out of nowhere, and I thought like I am going to think I touched a adult women and tried to continue, but still remember how i got a panic attack and surrounded by shame and guilt and was not able to function.

    during this time I would be very careful around kids. sometimes, when I got this memory I would say to myself that I am not that guy anymore, I am a good and an appropriate guy now.

    i think my mindset that I had above explains the incident below

    well an incident happened last year. there was a girl who was around 10. I used to play with her. I never thought anything about children sexually. this time, the girl was wearing a pant. when we were playing carrom along with some other kids I found out that, she had a hold in her crotch area in the pants. I thought children won't be wearing under ware, and it is inappropriate to look at that area of a 10 year old child, so I stood up and ask them to play and gone outside. after sometime, all the kids come to me for playing again. this time I forget about it and then when I noted it again, this time I ended up looking at it, before I could tell myself to not look at it. thank god she was wearing a underware and i just gone from there, I never thinked about it again, like I never gave it a second thought.

    it was not because for seeking sexual pleasure, but because of like being appropriate, curiosity. even that time, I got only anxiety , never got any sexual feeling. not even once.

    I used to be very careful around children, like I will be very sure, to not touch their parts like their chest, butt even by accedent, as I would think to myself as a very good adult who is being appropriate. also I never close the door when I was alone with a kid, because I found it to be inappropriate. (I literally have no idea why I behaved like that. )

    not even once I got any sexual thought about children. I repeat, not even once.

    but when I analyse all these situation it freaks me out. i mean why am I found all these things inappropriate? does that mean I am someone who is capable of sexualizing children? this really makes me worry that I am a pedophile.

    also last year I gone into the dark web out of curiosity. I accedently clicked a link that has cp in it. basically it was some pics of teenage girls, some of them were underage, and some of them were nude. I have multiple memories of this, one saying I masturbated to it, another saying I closed it immidiately. but I was sourrounded with guilt and fear for next 3 days after seeing it. well that is when I discovered the word pedophillia, and asked myself whether am I one. that is when the childhood memory came into my mind. I freaked out. I didn't know what to do , started to feel immense guilt over it. but what makes me freak out is that before that, I masturbated to some weird stuffs. like some gore $#%^ and in some ocassions, some zoophile porn, I don't have any idea why I masturbated to it. maybe my porn addiction?

    I also when I was 15 or 16 masturbated to some rule 34 stuffs in reddit. but recently I came to know that they are underage characters and it freaks me out. I thought reddit had no cp in it, and I start to obsess over it

    so after i discovered the word pedophillia, I asked myself whether am I one.

    during this time I developed myself a lot of false memories, to myself. around 99% of my false memories includes people who is around 1-3 years younger than me. but even me sexualizing people who is even a year younger than me is a great deal for me. because I won't even see someone sexually if i know they are even like 2 years younger than me, as they won't look like a good romantic partners.

    well I want to say that not even once I sexualize children sexually. not even once. even thinking of it gives me a panic attack

    well today, I posted something on this ocd subreddit, a guy sent me a link . I clicked it and it was a video of a 13 year old masturbating to it. I freaked out and got intense anxiety. I even tried to test myself that i am not attracted to that, then i freaked out, came out and deleted that reddit account.

    well I feel like a freak now. what if I was a pedophile secretly. I feel like death is the only way out.

    I have never thinked about children sexually. but after getting this, I am freaking out. like for testing purpose, I am giving myself all these intrusive thoughts, and when I noticed that the anxiety that I had with these thoughts reduced, it makes me freak out that I like the thought.

    I don't know what to do.

    I feel like killing myself is the only way out.

    I feel like a $#%^.

    just know that I am not looking for any sympathy. a piece of $#%^ like me don't deserve any.

    honestly I don't what in the world I am. I am new here, it's been around 3 days I started nofap. I don't know what is wrong with me.
  2. Sean Edie

    Sean Edie Fapstronaut

    Porn messes with your head. You seem to not be sure about what memories are real and what isn't so you might be helped with counseling. I started masturbating when I was young and that messed with me too but I now know my I'm not that guy
  3. timmophi

    timmophi Fapstronaut

    You were watching to much standard porn, so some day you wouldn't get excited about such stuff. So you're going to the next level. And then the next level. Happened to me too. Went into some other direction and I don't really know if it was legal anymore, but it was a wake-up-call.

    You already got my sympathy. Not for what you did, but for who you want to be in the future. You already understood that you have a problem. A hard realization, but necessary for your next steps. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Like Sean Edie stated, probably get some professional help.
  4. 野良西木

    野良西木 Fapstronaut

    Sounds like a serious case of POCD, from how you see yourself, I don't think you are a pedophile but do not check as you'd only make it worse, I had cases of HOCD and COCD, and all you need to do is to ignore the thought.

    As a matter of fact, as human, we often have random thoughts, but you have to remember that those thoughts are completely random and don't have any meaning to them, I've been through the same experience and I know how you'll think that simply dying will resolve every problem, however, please don't do it, I am positive that you're not a pedophile, you're going to regret killing yourself for something that exists only in your brain.

    Lastly, I'd suggest that you stop using any more porn as most likely it is going to worsen your case. If you need any help, feel free to message me, I'd help you with everything I can.
  5. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

    I'm not going to judge you, but you need some professional help. If you don't seek it, well in that case you're putting in danger the life of multiple possible victims.
  6. Agreed with above. You are going through a lot. You need help. Begin slowly, find a pro you can trust. No need to bring this matter up until you are sure you have found the right person.
    You are aware that these are not feelings you want to have. Good! That's very positive! So help yourself and others now by dealing with these feelings. No need to suffer in silence.
  7. learning

    learning Fapstronaut

    You're probably not a pedophile, but you ought to get some psychotherapy to help with other issues. Sounds like you have had a difficult childhood, and a little bit of psychotherapy gives you somebody who will listen to your issues and give you some reassurance and help.
  8. ZombieMan

    ZombieMan Fapstronaut

    Porn has mightly fucked with you. I don't think you're a pedophile at all. You haven't done any acts nor does it seem that you were progressed by porn.

    You're just highly fragile due to your childhood combined with porn. Causing you to have all these bad thoghts about yourself. Go seek some help man.
  9. You're normal. You're just suffering from the past experience and you're not letting it go. Depression, stress, anxiety are the emotions that control you due to being kept in house for so long without anyone to talk to or friends. Being lonely in the house caused you to develop a FAKE fantasies, fetishes and sexual desires by viewing certain types of PORN. You didn't have sexual education and thus, you escalated into other stuff. These memories are stored in your amygdala. The experience usually have the ability to die if it wasn't something you're concerned of.. but due to your loneliness you started thinking deeply and QUESTIONING YOURSELF and once you start QUESTIONING YOURSELF, you're telling your mind that there is a chance you're 50% pedophile and thus, you start developing such behaviors and acts that isn't yours.

    At the point, whenever you think about it, stress gets activated because the way you've questioned yourself has caused your brain to rewire it's sexual desires. All of this that happened to you, leaves a strong DEMAND to TRY, VIEW or TEST the thing You're questioning! What you're doing is increasing the desires by testing yourself! You need to kill that DEMAND in you. Spend your time outside, don't look sexually to anything you question.. Look normally! be normal! Don't masturbate. Don't watch any type of porn. Don't watch sexual movies. You need a time to heal. Maybe a long time more than a year? You need to clear your mind of all of this!

    Create yourself. Stop questioning. You control everything, just try. If you believe you can't, then ask for help. We're humans, you'll get help in real!

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