Any advice to get a social circle ?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by oooo, Mar 6, 2017.

  1. oooo

    oooo Fapstronaut

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    Hi all, i feel super lonely i don't have any friends to hang out with, even my girlfriend left me.
    Currently i am 23 years and i feel time is passing so fast, i lost confidence in people because people did bully me a lot when i was younger and that made me to what i am today. I really would like friends to chill with but i'v never developed the skill of making good friends and been always a lone wolf. At first it did not matter to me but i am realizing i have this need for friends more and more. I had one very good friend, he was a true one but unfortunately he passed away last year in a horrible way, the images of his body being recovered are still daily in my mind. I am going a lot to the gym, i really like it but even there i cannot manage to make some friends.
    I have the feeling everyone is thinking i am a weirdo over there, because i am the type of guy which is always there with my earbuds in listing to music and almost never communicating with people over there. But that is simply because i feel people judging me and it makes me uncomfortable. At this point i feel like a failure, and don't know what i should do. I have been today to a gym in another city, i thought it would be a good thing but then there was a guy over there which always bullied me and i did feel instant being judged, also another friend was training there, not really a friend but before he did move to this gym we sometimes trained together, and he is part of a group of guys and girls who are really dedicated to go to the gym, the same as me but when i see this group i feel exactly the same: ''they see me as this guy who is never talking to anyone and listening to music'' :( When i am at home or with people i trust i am a different person but i can't get myself in expressing the good things i have to offer.

    Hope someone can provide me with some useful advice on this.
     
    Potato93 likes this.
  2. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    I'm going to post excerpt of stuff I've posted before. I know your issue well I was 40 before getting any real freinds, and in the last few years I've formed a strong social circle.

    First, recognize that you can't force connections, and that when connections are not made, it's not a rejection of you. It's important to know that before you begin.....

    Excerpt one:
    when you approach socializing, it is something that you should not do with a goal, or measure your success by the people. You can't force people to connect with you. You can learn how to try, and be more open to communicating with them. Experience will teach you more confidence to do this with even more people. Still connections aren't something that can be forced. Sometimes, where you go just doesn't have your people. That's not a racist, sexist, or elitist remark, but instead, you have to realize what kind of people share your common interests, and where they might be gathering. (I'm not a sport enthusiast. In truth, I know very little about any sport because of it. While I'm a guy, and enjoy the company of guys, I wouldn't be very effective finding friends by frequenting a sports bar, and striking up conversations with people during games/matches. This is because I would be falsely forcing myself to embrace their interests in attempt force a connection). Other times, you just don't connect with the person, despite optimal circumstances. It's not a judgement or rejection of that person, but instead a lack of feeling which is perfectly normal to accept. (I'm host a board game group. While many of the people I meet are fun, intelligent, interesting, and have similar nerdy interests (Marvel & DC), there are still some that 'I couldn't get a read on', conversation never seemed to get past the basics, or even if we do, I or they can't seem to prioritize when we might get together (not playing games). That is not me thinking less of them, and they didn't reject me (they still come back next game session), but I can't let that drive a feeling of failure.)


    Next, it's easiest when you find an activity you like and share in common with people, and then go do that activity with them, instead of trying to 'chat folks up'.

    Excerpt two:
    "So I didn't know how to meet people, and was uncomfortable just talking with anyone. However, my ex started going to random social groups she found on 'meetup.com'. We found one for board games. As soon as I met the people was hooked. See it's far easier to go do an activity, and then passively chat with people as you get comfortable, than to just 'go and meet people'. Board games end up being the perfect medium. You can focus on playing the game, and make chit chat as you feel comfortable. I've generally found the people that play games are in a warm friendly mood and tend to be a little bit sharper (not all mind you, and I could tell tales).

    There are these kinds of meetup's everywhere. Once you find a theme you like, you can go to any city and feel comfortable meeting people there with the same interest. I've gone from my town where I was comfortable, to Denver and found more friendly fun people. They are designed to welcome anyone to just RSVP and show up.

    I went from painful introvert with no friends to actual lead organizer of the group. Now I feel more comfortable and going to meet random people. I actually host monthly full game days from my house, and I never know who will be coming. (I've not had any issue with that either). I now have 400 members in my group, and each month brings 5 or 10 more.

    It doesn't have to be meetup.com, there are all kinds of social groups out there. Whatever gets you out, and has a mechanism for welcoming new members will work."

    Hope this helps.
     
    Dragon Al and Potato93 like this.
  3. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

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    Remember your social skills are like any other muscle. You work it out and it gets stronger, you don't it becomes weaker. I used to be like you, thinking people judged me, it's called Social Anxiety. This can be caused by many things, a mental illness, drugs, PMOing, isolation etc. Remember too that just like a muscle your social skills won't improve overnight, it takes 1+ years if youre constantly working at it. You sound depressed a little, how often do you hit the gym?
     
  4. oooo

    oooo Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunatley i do not live in a very big city, so meetups won't be an option for now.
    @Clean Plate, i do hit the gym 4-5 times a week, its not like i can't have conversations with people but i seem not able to form real connections.
    i should be more open and talk to people but i don't have so much in my life to talk about, in the weekends i am at home not going to for example a party. Before i did go once in a while to a party
    with my best friend who passed away. But nowadays i don't have anyone to go with. Its not so easy to stike up conversations without material to talk about, if some classmate asks me what did you do in the weekend? than my answer is usually: "yeah i'v been busy with work blabla'' because i am ashamed of not doing anything with my live when this is the age you should do fun things.
     
  5. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

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    I'm 23 years old just like you, and ive been a lone wolf since I was In middle school, it does suck bro. Start talking to people when you go to the gym, don't worry about them judging you, they probably feel like that too. About connections it's like what positive change said, you have to find a connection point with people and explain your story to them. Are you working or are you going to school for a degree?
     
    Potato93 likes this.
  6. Potato93

    Potato93 Fapstronaut

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    I feel like trying to understand the other person (even if you dont share most in common) is a form of training.
    I have plenty of those friends, and you can indeed connect with them, but sometimes that prevents you from getting in a deeper level.

    That's why its good to go to parties were this kinda of ambient is more open. You dont need to drink either, people can assume you're drunk and you can be really open. Sometimes this open situation gets you in shortcuts to know some people in a deep level.
     

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