Any suggestions on work computer?

This is kind of a bitch. I live this too. I have tried so many ways to block sites on my work computer. The company has it so locked down that there doesn't seem to be any way to do it. Not via the hosts file, internet zones, local sites... Nothing I could figure out. Maybe someone else here smarter than me will have some ideas we can both use!

You'rer rght that outright porn will be blocked, but there are loads of ways to still get serious, even hardcore porn. It sucks that I know that.

It's also unlikely that there's any way for you to monitor his activity. One possibility is if his work allows him to login to Google. Mine doesn't, but if it did then the history can be available.

I wish there was a different story to tell. These big companies are effectively handing guys a loaded gun and then watching to see if they use it. It would be nice if it wasn't that way.

 

There is something that I know of.
I'm not handing it out just to the internet tho.
And I don't know if it works for everyone.
I just know it's availability can be remotely accessed.

 

My bf has a desktop work computer that he's used to view Psubs in the past. This is the only unmonitored device he has. I'm pretty sure he can't install monitoring software on it. I know he's doing well in his reboot, but I do worry if he has a weak moment at work where there is a lot of ongoing stress. Any ideas for a work desktop?

 

Honestly, I think we SOs just have to get to a point where we have to understand that there is no way for us to have complete control, nor should we. And please understand I am not pointing fingers at anyone except myself here because I am the ultimate control freak. This is a conclusion I have had to come to myself.

There are going to be times our PAs are around unmonitored internet devices, and there is nothing any of us can do about it. Work terminals sometimes change, many husbands attend college, some work in call centers and switch computer station everyday, some have Google blocked so they can't log in to be tracked but can view psub sites, etc...

We have to learn to loosen the reins, not control every moment of internet use in or out of our presence, and trust that they are doing what they are supposed to be doing or not doing what they aren't supposed to be doing. Sometimes we have no choice and we will just drive ourselves insane.

Again, not directed at anyone in particular, but something I have had to learn myself.

 

I want to add, it's ultimately up to them what they decide they value.
Which I think drives us insane.
Because the question becomes... Why were we second or why didn't we "win" your affection?
& the truth is, we have to not beat ourselves down about it and place our own values in the eyes of someone else.
Which is really our problem.
It's what this addiction ultimately does to us.
That is how we ultimately heal.

 

Most browsers allow you to add blocked sites under security settings. Of course you can add them to a safe list just as easily.

Browsers like Chrome also allow you to disable images which can help w Psubs and such.

A better solution is for them to remember this is their work computerand everything they do on it is company-watchable. Do they really want to have that conversation? Do they want to be the Porn Guy?

 

Yes yes and more yes! Not an easy task especially in the early stages of discovery but it is 100% truth! Good or bad it’s true.

 

My husband worked for the government for 15 years and used government computers to fuel his habit. That's how he was able to hide it from me for so long. How he didn't get caught, I'll never know, because if he had been, his career would have been over. They don't give slap on the wrists for that. Misuse of gov't computers, especially at his security level, would have meant severe consequences.

This revelation I learned back in August is probably the strongest part of betrayal trauma that I have. To realize that for so many years he gambled with our livelihood (I was a stay at home mom for the majority of that time) and we could have lost absolutely everything with small kids at home...and I was so naive that I had absolutely no idea...it sent me reeling. I think that was THE hardest pill to swallow, even more than finding out what and how much he looked at. It is also what made me realize it really was an addiction.

I can't dwell on the thought of it too much or it sends me into anxiety, and I've moved too far forward to allow myself to get that way. I only brought it up to say that in the midst of the addiction, the PA doesn't care if he is the "porn guy." He doesn't think about getting caught. He only thinks about the dopamine high. So when we SOs are working together with our PA spouses or SO towards sobriety, we have to trust that they are living by whatever guidelines we have set forth together and that they must be responsible for themselves. We have to let go of the control. As others have said, this gets easier with time.

 

Thank god he didn’t get caught. But he has to realize that he could destroy your livelihood with his addiction.

Make him install wallpaper and screensaver of his family, wife, child, mom. Maybe seeing that every day will deter him a little from looking at P.

Not really sure of any options you could use to secure a work laptop.

 

He left that career field a number of years ago, by his own volition, thankfully.

But up until he voluntarily told me about his work computer /porn habit over the summer, he was a regular user. I have no choice but to take his word that he is staying clean. But every other area of his life are proving trustworthy so I feel I can trust him there too.

 

That's a rough situation to be in, @EyesWideOpen. It has to be statistically true that this situation is more likely than not to create a difficulty and present opportunities for relapse. It sounds good that there was a confession. You don't say much about the tone. The shame was crushing, for me; it was a motivator. However. What I came here to say was that once I decided I /could/ and /should/ be honest with my wife, I became honest with my wife. Period. I am a trustworthy, honest person. Becoming that person was a huge weight lifted. But: it required trust because in no way could my wife ever have the tech wherewithal to actually oversee and assess my behavior. And, I did fail a few times. More times than I know how to count. I kept track and admit those problems / crimes with my wife.

Becoming trustworthy is possible, and confession(s) are a good sign. Even if you had a magic webcam and spyware.. there's always a way around those things. You've probably heard me say that my Internet is unfiltered except by the bpu (brain processing unit -or- big phat user, haha). Ultimately, this is necessary. A man must correct himself, guard himself, protect himself, and cherish his marriage. It's not easy at the lower levels of the funnel / gravity well, though.

I salute your strength. It sure is a difficult situation!
Hopefully it can be an opportunity, and not a conundrum?

 

The tone? I wasn't looking for a confession, if that is what you mean. And I didn't discover the gov't computer stuff. I did know about the most recent work computer use though. We were discussing something entirely different and it must have sparked something. That's when he told me about the gov't computer use.

I feel the same as you. I am not a big believer in filters, as i feel a person needs to be self monitoring, self correcting, etc.

 

The tone of the confession, discussion. How much you felt there was honesty and regret.

Wish I had better "foolproof" suggestions for you on helping with the tech. There just isn't anything that is well-suited to this scenario. There's things to try, but ways around it so it's not a useful guarantee.

 

That was pretty much my point with my first post on this thread. I have given up that kind of control to try to find a way to monitor his every move on every possible piece of technology he might use, especially when he knows he does not have accountability. Not because it's a losing battle but because his recovery is up to him. Shortly after discovery i was obsessed with knowing his every move but I slowly came out of that. If recovery means to him what he says it does, he will take the steps on his own, without me acting as his parent, to do it. There is nothing I can do that will change his heart, so I can only trust him. I do not say that in a bitter way at all.

What I mean is that for a PA to change, he has to want to change. No amount of begging, pleading, screaming, crying, nagging, reminding, badgering, watching his every move, etc will make him change. The change has to come from somewhere within himself and no amount of control factors from outside sources can change the heart. So trust is all there is. It starts a little at a time and as time goes on it (hopefully) grows into more and more trust so that when there is no way to check up on the truth, the other person doesn't even feel the need.

For me, my husband has been working hard to build back up the trust. There are times I still wonder sometimes if he utilizes his work computers or lab computers at night school to access porn, but as mentioned, I have choice but to trust him. But to add to that, his behavior and body language back up that he is remaining sober, strengthening my desire to trust him more fully.

 

Indeed. I see that in your attitude. And, I respect that. More, I'm truly hopeful that it is a lifestyle of more peace for you.

Since it may not have came through here, I probably should have posted that I do work in technology, and I meant my advice as applicable in the 'professional' sphere as per the OP. I can certainly spy on people through conventional means via ethical tactics to screen at-work behavior. And, I've caught people doing lots and lots of things. However, there just really always seems to be ways around or countermeasures or... and, it take a lot of time and energy. We usually only use those strategies to catch cheaters, thiefs, or dereliction / malingering. And, then, only the more blatant cases are caught and dealt with.

. . .
Glad to hear that recovery is happening. And, glad to hear you're one of the strong ones willing to allow for space to allow that to happen. Thank you for being here and sharing your story.

 

If you don't mind me prying .. can you elaborate more about what this looks like for your husband and you?