Hi. I'm new in this forum. I decided to create an account here because i'm in (i think) the worst moment in my life, so far. No job, no social life at all, only making a carrer to become an engineer, but most of the time i feel like a don't have a purpose. I mean i like the carrer i'm doing, in fact is the only thing that keeps me working on something, but i have this porn addiction that keeps destructing myself. I have all kind of fetishes i don't want to expose at the moment, some i have since i was a kid, and other since 2020 (pandemic year) in wich i have so much time to explore things i didn't think i would watch to pleasure myself (horrible stuff), things i keep watch to this day and made my life a living hell. I lost friends, opportunities, relationships, potential relationships and become some isolated man nobody wants to talk to. I'm a victim of sexual abuse, i lived that for about 5 years (since 2010 aprox until 2015, year i realized what was happening to me was wrong). I was a boy and didn't know what was happening, had 11 year old when that happened to me. That lead me to therapy for 4 years in total, the first when i was a kid and didn't confess what i was going through. The second in 2017 until 2018, when i was going through a depression in middle school. There i confess to my therapist i was abused in my childhood and even told it to my parents, who didnt know it. Then last year i fell into therapy again because i was going through a rough time personal and with my family. My grandmother passed away and i was having suicidal toughts, toughts i dont have anymore and therapy has helped me to surpass them. The thing is, i've always been an introvert person, i never tried to make friends, take the iniciative to make my life better. The last two years i've met someone who bring my world upside down. Never seen someone like her, and fell in love with her, but since my difficulties and fears i didn't make it. Last year i make an attempt to have a relationship with her, going well for a month and so, but then my fears kicked in and i've wasted it all. I think i creep her out, and decided to not speak to me again. That made me crazy, and made me real sad, to the point of isolating myself in there, only talking with people i work in projects and stuff. I know now she doesn't like me for the way she looks at me, and i accepted it. I just feel miserable. The thing is, anyone feel related with my story? Mostly in being a victim of sexual abuse, because i think that is the root of my problems (realized that last year with my therapist). How did you go through that, and how are you doing now? I would like to share experiencies, maybe that can help me too.
Engineer here as well, Was sexually abused as a child. If i remember, i liked it but somehow i think that is also one of the strong reasons behind my addiction. I dont even like my career, dont even know where its going because my mind is not present, it has become weak that it cannot hold on to anything new or challenging. I keep wishing if i could go back in time and let the sexual abuse not happen, maybe i would had been a different person today? Cant say for sure. But one thing i know is that there are thousands of people here who are addict without having child hood trauma because porn itself is an addiction whethee you had any trauma or not. So instead of wasting time over blaming the trauma for current addiction, my focus is to get rid of this addiction just like others so i can enjoy life once again
Yes I was molested for years by a ,ale cousin. My first orgasm was at 11 years old, him jerking me off and I had no idea what was happening or why it felt like it did. I also let him do it to me more times because it felt good, but of course this stuff while your brain is developing F%$#s up your mind. I just tirned 40 and I remember it like it was yesterday
In the days i was being abused, sometimes i liked as well, but it had messed up myself as i'm not good in social skills, so that's when i realized i was something bad. Also believe if that didn't happened to me i would of been a different person today... I try and not to reduce this addiction we have in common to that event in specific, just to no victimize myself. Thank you for sharing
My experience is a little different from those already mentioned. Not as severe honestly. It took a long time for me to even realise what happened to me was technically sexual abuse, and it only happened once. But with the benefit of hindsight I think the event, when combined with other things has definitely shaped my outlook as an adult.
I wouldn't label my experiences as abuse exactly, but it is definitely emotional-sexual maltreatment. Since we are sharing, I am the youngest child with two older sisters. Dad worked a lot so it was three girls and me most the time growing up. These days I realize that my family probably let me walk around the house naked for too long (at a certain point a toddler has to wear clothes around his family). This combined with the phallic fascination of my mother and sisters (which got out of control when there were only three girls and a baby boy in the house) has definitely affected me. There is one specific memory I can recall that is really quite questionable, and I don't think I was even 3 feet tall at the time. Oh, and years later when we got a male puppy, the phallic preoccupation of my family became ridiculously apparent (that poor dog). I'm glad you said this because a victim mentality doesn't help heal addiction. At the same time, I think it is important to be able to distinguish between what are our own personal mistakes and what are the mistakes/evils of others that we are exposed to. If I ignore the fact that someone else has treated me wrongly, my problems don't get better because I have submitted to the issue being my own and ever-persisting. But if I acknowledge that someone is at fault for something they did, even if their behavior doesn't change I am able to forgive myself and grow.
