[Introduction] Hi. I'm a 19 year old man and I've been suffering from PMO for seven years. I wouldn't say it's destroyed my life entirely but it has made me suffer greatly in terms of self-esteem and confidence. Porn addict, Internet addict, also terribly drained and self-hating. I did have motivation before COVID-19 but I've felt awful the entire time. I'm also autistic too (please don't think that's an excuse or a reason to treat me any different) which has its challenges. I spent 17 years of my life in my room and these past two years sorting myself. Those insecurities have always been there and are the reason why I'm a porn addict. I know this. To put it into context: I have height insecurities; I'm futile in sexual/romantic aspects; quoted as the 'most feminine man I know' from a significant friend (which destroyed my confidence too but I can't bring myself to tell them); stress-head, the whole nine yards. I have a long history of being bullied. I was bullied in high school for years, to the point where I obsessed over studying to prove myself as better as everyone else. Never in my life have I felt like a man; if anything, I feel like a manchild. It infuriates me and shames me greatly. Life has had its ups and downs. There have been times I didn't feel good enough to help, strong enough to stand up to others, smart enough to figure problems out and realise my goals. We all have those situations; I know that, and I'm not even 20. I know nothing. I just want to do something and make my place in the world, not have it made for me. These past two years have been hard. I started becoming motivated out of guilt when I lost my grandmother, which was just after I failed my exams for the year. I've made friends. I did volunteering work. I did extracurricular activities and even got into boxing as well. I'm starting to be more involved with my family too. I was looking for work and my grades were becoming good enough for my dream university. COVID-19 took that dream and ripped it into shreds. I lost a relative from cancer. I even had to fight someone to protect others from harm. Life can kick you down so many times before you stand up to it. I'm tired of going on porn, I'm tired of feeling like crap, I want and need to start training again so if there's ever another time where I have to protect someone from harm I know I will be there to help. I want to be the uncle, son, and brother my family deserves. I'm angry at life for taking all of my efforts, my work, my determination and stamping it into the ground and laughing at me. I worked like hell to go from doing absolutely nothing with my life to almost sorting my life out. But I'm angry at myself because I could have done more if I had the will to do this back then. I've been taking my time and facing my responsibilities: when there are things to be done, I will try to do them. Sometimes I don't because I get too lazy and apathetic; sometimes it works out. I'm always there if my help is needed. It's been a slow process, though, sleep doesn't come easy and my tinnitus is a joy to have. I apologise for rambling about all of this at once. It's been a rough night; that doesn't excuse this but I wanted to explain my situation and why this is important to me in the first place. I write in this way to help organise my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading.