Back again

I've been coming here for months, on and off. Here I am again.

Why am I here?

I want to improve myself, to better handle anxiety around others and stop acting out every time someone insults me. For example, I want to overcome situations like this without resorting to anger or acting out with P or MO:

- I'm walking out of the office to get some lunch. A woman comes back from the shop near the office complex, so I open the gate for her and wait for her to come through. She says "Thanks" but then calls me a "Retard" in a lower, but still audible voice as I walk out of the gate and she walks past me. Surely me displaying a bit of common courtesy to someone doesn't make me a retard? Answers on a postcard.

- I'm on a train heading back from a job interview where I got the job (skilled, professional level) within 1 hour of them interviewing me (one of the nicest companies I've ever worked for, as well). Two women are sat behind me and overhear me on the phone to another person wanting to set up an interview. One of them says, loud enough for all to here "He doesn't look like he has a job like that. He doesn't even look like he can read" Again, surely me landing a good job in one of the most successful interviews I've ever had (then finding a better paying one 3 weeks later from another company that interviewed me 3 months before) is proof enough of my literacy and at least some intelligence, yes?

In both situations I didn't react aggressively or even speak to them. I just went home and melted my brain watching sick porn and MO'ing.

I've got plenty of other examples, but I won't bore you with them, so don't worry.

I'm trying out CBT atm, and while it's having some small positive effect on self esteem, I still find myself being depressed for days because of one insult by a thoughtless person. As most of these. as far as my damaged mind is concerned, seem to be women, I am developing very unhealthy perceptions of women as a whole: I tend to think of them as shallow scociopathic creatures, when in reality not all women are like that and not all people that ARE like that are even women.

EDIT: Being speaking about these issues with someone else, since I posted this. The talk with them convinced me more than ever of 3 things:

1) I need to forgive things like the examples above and move on. Events from the past stay in the past, only the lessons learned from those events should cross the barrier into the present.

2) Self-esteem is a hard thing to pin down. I need to explore ways to raise this from the low level its been at for a long time. Not looking at P and rewarding the viewing by M needs to be part of this

3) Sometimes people can be horrible for no rational reason. I need to stop myself turning into a horrible person too by letting these vampires drain me.