Been an addict for as long as I can remember

greetings all

Not sure where to start here. My addiction started as a child. I remember having erections and feeling the pressure for a release when I was somewhere between 5-7 years old.

I remember achieving first O by accident not even realizing how to do it.

Once I learned how I would do it every chance I got.

I was exposed to P very young don’t remember how old I was the first time. Then repeated incidental exposures led to me seeking it out whenever I felt the urge.

Back then one would have to go to a bookstore or newsstand to get it. I remember a time when I had no car, walking for more than a half hour each way to buy a P mag and go home and M.

Getting married didn’t solve anything. Relationship problems and stress led me back to PMO.

Marriage failed after almost 1 year. I started a recovery on my own, that was pretty successful. I remember going somewhere between 6 months and a year without PMO, during which time I had a heavy schedule of both physical and spiritual exercise.

Then I met a girl...

Relationship became intimate rather quickly. I ended up relapsing with PMO. Became engaged. Broke engagement. Moved on.

But still having PMO relapses...

Met another girl. Married her.

Repeated same cycle. Marital problems and stress preventing me from recovering and leaving PMO behind.

I remember buying P mags, and after done, throwing them in the dumpster, but later on digging them out to use them again. Disgusting. Sometimes I’d dig them out, use them, throw them away several times over the course of days before trash collector came. It was so bad. The garbage smell reeked on the mags and at times had to dust off maggots. But my addiction had to be fed.

Then I got brave enough to go to P stores and use their private video viewing rooms. This way I could PMO and leave it behind until I was weak again.

I remember at work and not eating lunch just so I had time during lunch break to go to a P store and M.

Of course when the internet became available it didn’t take me long to figure out how to use it to feed my addiction. And I didn’t have to go dumpster diving or go across town to obtain P.

Been married now for well over 20 years. We are happy together but never felt comfortable together intimately. It’s always felt forced and awkward.

Interestly wife feels the same way about me but has never really had a problem with PMO.

When I was younger I got help from spiritual advisors but eventually I realized that they would not save me from myself. I’d talk to them, feel all better, but eventually fail again. Go talk to them again and repeat the same cycle over and over.

Only I could make the decision. If I hadn’t resolved on my own to quit, talking to someone did no good. In fact sometimes it clearly made things worse, but no fault of theirs. It was my own problem and inability to properly process emotions.

In fact in spite of struggling with addiction I overcame it to an extent and I became a spiritual advisor. However the stress of taking on more responsibility than I could handle led me to continue relapsing even more until I was exposed by my wife to my fellow advisors.

I went through an ordeal that resulted in loss of spiritual responsibility and because of the humiliation and stress eventually a loss of job. I was a broken man. Emotionally and spiritually. At one point I didn’t even know if I’d ever be able to work again.

Years later I am still not completely recovered emotionally or spiritually, or financially.

I’m happy to be a part of this forum. This is one thing I have never tried. I’m looking forward to getting support and understanding from others who are also on a path to leave PMO behind.

I’m thinking at this point I need to just quit. Period. There is no other way for me. So I will create 1 year goal to begin with. Can’t start today, although no P, already M.

Still I am determined no P today...

Kind regards
Wish everyone success today...

 

Thanks. Congrats on your 13 day winning streak...