Bestiality Escalation, HOCD combined

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by gglplxian, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I am a 14yr old male. Sorry for the long post but I am really desperate here.

    I have been addicted to pornography for around 3/4 a year, first viewed it at, I think, 12. During my addiction, I always got off to straight stuff but I escalated without even knowing it, I got off to tentacle hentai, stepsis stuff, incest and loli. During this time and before, I was confident about my sexuality, I always had crushed on girls. One day I got a random unwanted thought that was something like “oh that guy is good-looking”, which in turn led to experience HOCD, was complete hell for me. Then a few weeks later I found myself getting off to me blowing another guy, and to my horror, I climaxed and felt like complete shit afterwards, crying and then went through a cycle of reassurance and doubt for a couple of months. These fantasies then got to these weird AF giant/threesome fantasies which further spiked my anxiety. Some of the reassurance I got was from NoFap when I found out that people escalated from straight porn to gay porn but then I would have this doubt that that wasn’t the case because I got off to a fantasy of giving a bj (no porn) so the doubt got worse. Another source of doubt was my friends and I used to slap each other’s asses for fun and laughs and I never thought this was gay since we weren’t doing it for the intention of feeling one another’s behinds. I feel like even if I did I would not get aroused, whereas if it was a female’s however...

    Question No.1 - Is fantasising the same as watching porn, and do you think I just got desensitised to straight porn which is why I had that fantasy or is having a fantasy different from straight out watching porn because I had the doubt that since I had a fantasy in my mind, not on a screen, I don’t have HOCD?

    Then a few days ago, I stumbled across bestiality porn (horse), and again, I got an erection (this is a few months after the gay fantasies, and a few days after me getting finally aroused to gay porn) and got an orgasm, which after, felt like I was just the most fucked up 14 year old out there coz the video was between a man and a stallion. I didn’t even have the strength to experience as much anxiety I got from HOCD and then this escalation to bestiality went on to also cause the cycle of reassurance and doubt. So I’ve been looking back at my childhood to see if I had any experiences with any animals and if I felt attracted to them in any way.

    Question No.2 - Is bestiality normal for a teen to escalate to, because when I was addicted to porn (in general, not bestiality) I watched it almost everyday and even more than once a day?

    Question No.3 - I do remember this one fantasy as a kid where it involved an animal in a book which looked like a woman (had lipstick and female clothes on), is that also normal?? (This one bothers me a lot).

    When I read the NoFap forums, a majority of the people who escalated are grown men, so then I obsess about the fact that I am a teen so that means that my situation is different so I truly am a zoophile, which makes me panic a lot. This escalation combined with the HOCD made me feel like complete shit so I became desperate enough to create a NoFap account and turn to you guys for some insight. Any would be really, really appreciated, please I really need some help, these is pretty confusing and scary for a teen.

    Thanks.

    P.S. Before the HOCD-causing thought and escalation to bestiality, I always had fantasies about women, never even though about sexual acts with the same sex, but then during HOCD, I obsessed that maybe when I was watching pornography, I was actually jerking off to the guy instead which also causes anxiety. Also all of my gay fantasies involved guys with really feminine characteristics (some had feminine faces, hung out with girls acted like girls). I then question myself if this is what I am attracted to but then dismiss the thought as the fantasies involved male genitalia so I become depressed again.
     
  2. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    nope you just got hooked on porn and it escalated... just like any drug it can affect anyone at any age...
    then you're panicking because you think its somehow some flaw in you - it's not - you just got hooked on porn...porn is made to hook people, just like drugs, gambling and junk food.., once you know that you can start to walk away from it.
    it is like porn in the sense that you're getting off in your mind vs reality..
    not unusual for teens to explore boundaries, societal, sexual, mental, as for getting hooked- pornographers are TRYING to get you hooked - they know our weak points, wants, they know how to manipulate.. don't feel 'bad' about getting hooked to any kind of porn, just focus on getting that crap out of your life...
     
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  3. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a bunch. I never knew how destructive porn could be, especially during adolescence, I plan to quit PMO for the school term and the holidays after, hopefully I will recover. Will the fantasies and arousal go away after doing NoFap for a long time?
     
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  4. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    yes it can be especially destructive during adolescence but you know what? There are hundreds- maybe even thousands- of guys on this forum in their 20s, 30s, 40s,50s, 60s and beyond that admire the hell out of for your courage and wisdom to try to quit at a young age.
     
  5. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    don't concentrate about them going away- concentrate on where you want to go- those silly, childish fantasies are nothing compared to the life waiting for you. You may feel horrible right now - that's okay, also pat yourself on the back for having the guts to face this and get rid of i.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
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  6. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    I keep worrying whether I am attracted to animals and that worry is reinforced by the fantasies. How do I stop obsessing over this?? Whenever I have these thoughts I keep reassuring myself by saying “you’ve only fantasised about people before this, calm down” but then I get the doubt that maybe I had some during childhood, I forgot about them and that this is some latent urge. It’s pretty distressing and I just want to forget everything about it.

    Also, I really want to stop experiencing arousal to this type of porn, will abstaining work? I know you told me not to focus too much on that but I just want to free of this pain.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
  7. DogDaysOfLife

    DogDaysOfLife Fapstronaut

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    Yeah you looked at a lot of weird stuff. The reason people escalate through bizarre genres isn't because they actually have a fetish for it. It's just like "Oh, this is new, exciting, and shocking." Bestiality is really shocking for a lot of people.

    Young guys can be very susceptible to all this. Porn is poisonous. Do not obsess about this. Sexual orientation OCD is a nasty cycle that feeds off of worries about your identity. Am I gay? Am I straight? Do I have xyz ridiculous fetish? OCD obsessive thoughts won't answer your questions! So don't worry yourself sick over it. Act like it doesn't matter, so free yourself from thinking in circles and trying to be 100% sure of everything.
     
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  8. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Is it possible to eliminate such abnormal fetishes with NoFap? Because I’m pretty sure that I would not have felt arousal at bestiality porn a few years ago.
     
  9. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Can you escalate bad enough so that you watch bestiality porn involving a guy and a male horse and it turns you on? Is this really escalation or do I seem like an actual zoophile? Before this incident I felt nothing when looking at “good looking” animals like horses and dogs etc. and I still don’t but then I obsess that I am attracted to them when their genitalia both male and female shows and that I shouldn’t be so that means I am weird and twisted. This is killing me...
     
  10. DogDaysOfLife

    DogDaysOfLife Fapstronaut

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    I think so. If you don't look at it or fantasize about it, it doesn't matter. Problem solved. Nofap is about living in reality and not in nasty fantasy land.
     
    ivanhoe likes this.
  11. Youi_123

    Youi_123 Fapstronaut

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    Man you fucked up by looking at that shit and it’s fucking u up u need to change and take some time to think stuff through
     
  12. Moon Shard

    Moon Shard Fapstronaut

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    Possible Trigger Warning (Topics/Genres)






    Wow I am speechless and very shocked, I’m a 19 year old girl who hasn’t seen porn probably more than 30 times in her life. Before I had only seen oral (lesbian because I can’t stand seeing random dicks even though I’m straight ) and fingering for education purposes (wasn’t even turned on by either) when I was younger, but recently I explored tentacle hentai out of curiosity and it did so much more for me it was really strange. After a few views over the year a strong urge to look at it has developed and it’s always there now . Sometimes I also question if I’m fucked up for that, but I’m not interested in going anywhere near that irl. Sometimes you gotta ask yourself what is the concept that’s appealing about it, and I discovered that it was because it didn’t involve random dicks/another girl, and also the bondage/multiple forms of stimulation interested me. My boyfriend and I are both interested in this genre and will buy a toy, and it feels normal to us which I’m not sure if it is to be honest. He is the porn addict in our relationship and introduced me, but I don’t wanna fall into this trap and wanna get him out of his. I can assume in your case you find things that are taboo stimulating, in which a lot of people do. Your tentacle hentai and gay interests are the least worrisome in my opinion, I would be more worried about the incest and horse bestiality and stuff. What you should do is to first of all is to stop viewing these hardcore genres immediately, and wean yourself back to softcore and try to reduce frequency of viewing. It will make quitting porn easier if you reduce the overstimulation first alright bud? Good luck
     
  13. AlejandroGPR

    AlejandroGPR Fapstronaut

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    You've got a lot of energy bro. One thing I can tell you is you're not alone, I had a similar experience and what I'd like is that, since you're already so introspective, you asked yourself: Are you really attracted to men? Or are you just obsessed with the idea that you MIGHT be attracted and you're shaming yourself so much that it harms you? Listen bro, what you see in porn is never real. NEVER. Sex is something really intimate and our culture has led you to believe that everything is about penetration and blowjobs and shit. Everyone has a unique sexuality and some sexualities might seem to most like they're gay but they're not. For example: There are some guys who like to wear panties and want their girlfriends to find out spontaneously. Weird shit right? But that doesn't make them gay because they share intimacy with a woman. You said you liked girls before no doubt, so what's stopping you really from talking to a girl you think is cute? If you really want to make sure you're gay or not, look at a girl in the eye and tell her something nice, like how pretty she looks. If you feel scared of doing that, chances are you probably not gay. In my opinion, I don't think you're gay, you're just really shy and that's okay. Try to give a girl a nice sincere compliment, something nice with no bad intentions and you'll see that all those worries were all just product of a piece of technology that's been hurting us without even knowing
     
  14. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. Relieving to know I’m not alone and this is something I can overcome. What worries me is the fact that I keep looking at the guy in my fantasies IRL as a sort of compulsion to see if I like how he looks or some shit. All I feel is annoyance and have thoughts like, “look at his stupid, goofy as smile” and I keep debating whether I like him or I actually loathe him. When he interacts with me, I feel like I’m holding back the urge to tell him to get lost. Then I think “what if I’m holding back the urge to flirt with him instead?” I show no signs of attraction to this guy except for my fantasies about him which I think maybe the taboo factor of it arouses me coz I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself at the same time. The thing is, I have actually been diagnosed with OCD, and my psychologist is saying that I should masturbate to gay fantasies whenever I have them because if i don’t, I’ll just be avoiding my thoughts, which doesn’t work. Exposure therapy does, where you basically accept the thoughts, which lets you be free from the anxiety that comes with it. Which is the best option for me? Exposure or NoFap? Very conflicting...
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2019
  15. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

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    All normal.

    PMO isn't good for you in the long run, but at 14 you really are just curious about what turns you on.
    -You will learn you are turned on by many things. Some of them strange.
    -At some point you will need to learn that it doesn't matter what turns you on. What matters is if you choose to act on your impulses, or if you allow your impulses to control you.
    -And at some point you will learn that communication and respecting consent is the most important thing in determining which impulses to control. Animals cannot consent.
    -Fantasizing about women can be just as bad as all that other stuff, if you do not learn to control your imppulses and recognize consent.

    Also, does your family use any sort of internet filter at all?
     
  16. ThreeEyedFish

    ThreeEyedFish Fapstronaut

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    If it helps, you could tell yourself that something like a penis doesn't make you gay, as there are traps and if you like animal parts, there are furries. That is IF you're scared of being gay/zoosexual, and nee some self talk to kill the anxiety.

    Even just striking up a simple conversion might work. It has much more chance of her taking to you (not just sexually/romantically) and may seem less "awkward" to do, and in the end, be easier to strike the courage up for.
     
  17. NiccEPH

    NiccEPH Fapstronaut

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    I can relate this so much, you’ve have had a very similar experience to mine from around the same age, minus the bestiality and the stuff you did with the irl friends essentially. The weird and possibly illegal porn interests, the loss of control, the subsequent shame, uncontrollable new fantasies which cause you question your sexuality; porn’s wack.

    So here’s my attempt to answer your questions:

    Question 1: Take this with a grain of salt; my subconscious might just be making me justify my own experience. But I do think it really was escalation and desensitization, the way you describe. I had pretty much exhausted all straight porn myself, and the stuff I was watching was getting more more extreme. I’m going to admit, shamefully, that one of my preferred genres (but not the only one) was femdom extremely kinky and brutal pornography. And when I started, for example, things like ‘pegging’ grossed me out. But as I exhausted all the other femdom porn, I soon turned to it, and quickly enough that became vanilla and boring to me. I needed something realer, more extreme. While I never watched actual gay pornography involving penetration (however I did watch more ‘subtle’ things), it soon became essential to my fantasies, and it always involved a certain person I knew irl. Then of course it spiraled from there. I hope I’m not projecting too much, but it seems you’ve had a similar experience, and I think honestly once you get trapped in enough pornography, fantasies stop being something of your control and become simply an extension of what you saw and what you wished happened in what you saw. When it comes to the ‘HOCD’ thing; I think it’s more just wanting something more, your mind getting bored by what you saw and design something different; especially if this is relatively new. That’s what I believe is happening to me, and I assume is happening to you.The stuff you did with your friends is basically irrelevant. Besides whatever tour sexuality is, least of your concerns at the moment. Getting PMO out of the way more important. Perhaps a more clear view of sexuality can emerge once PMO has been cut out long enough.

    Question 2: yeah if your mind gets bored enough with what it’s seeing and desires something even more risqué. It soon becomes your standard. Hell you could’ve even escalated from bestiality to something even ‘worse’ if possible.

    Question 3: That could be somewhat telling as to why you escalated to bestiality rather than something else. But I’m no psychologist. You might be a furry for all I know, considering the picture you describe. I’ve discovered as of last year that I do have an affinity/attraction to feet, which considering some early childhood memories, certainly shows. That may be what that picture is for you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2019
  18. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    I hate myself so much...

    Keep having horse fantasies and after I finish, I feel so much shame and that there’s something really wrong with me and that it won’t change.

    Now whenever I see a horse, I get bombarded with thoughts like “do I want have sex with it?”

    I really want this to just fucking disappear...
     

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