Breaking Silence and Cycle

I'm 26 and I'm on day 4 of my own challenge. It's hard since I find myself wanting to just give up or find myself doing things that lead to PMO. This is kinda long but once I started writing I felt better and l less urge. Before I signed up I was pretty close to breaking the streak.

I have long tried to give up PMO. It started out mostly as masturbation when I was quite young maybe 9 or 10. Just by messing around I discovered it felt good when I pressed or a pillow or stuffed object. I didn't know what it was but it felt both good and wrong.

I never really had access to porn for the first few years of my new habit nor did I find myself looking at porn right away when we got internet. I was too afraid to leave a trail. I have long struggled with my sexuality and I'd get aroused simply by browsing catalogs and websites of attractive males modeling underwear. (i.e. Abercrombie or Calvin Klein). I'd end up feeling weird browsing in a store just to look at the guys on the boxes so I'd end up buying the underwear which only fueled the habit. Even men's interest magazines with their perfect physiques didn't help. I'd find myself trying to be aroused by females but I'd usually look for the guy in the scenario - and it wasn't porn. I was also overweight and wouldn't do anything to fix it.

Later I found new methods that didn't involve objects but just myself - but I went through brief spells of not MO during my teenage years for differing reasons:
1) guilt after a family member dying (thinking they'd see me)
2) Thinking that karma or God would punish with failure on a test if I did it
3) and a medical problem (I'm not circumcised and I wasn't able to retract my foreskin and thought it would be related to my habit and avoided a doctor for some time but did get everything fixed).

When I got to college I tried stopping too but regardless of lack of privacy in my first college (open dorms and public showers) it didn't stop me. As soon as my roommate was asleep I'd go at it. I hope he never suspected it since I regret that.

But I felt like a loser being single in college but instead of looking for a partner I'd go for PMO. I also developed an eating disorder and lost a significant amount of weight. Then I transferred schools and I had more privacy and no roommate but soon my first group of friends found a lube packet under my sink and teased me about my virginity. Kept on with the PMO. The next year I finally did it with a girl but I knew it wasn't what I wanted. She liked me (but I liked the guy she wanted first.) We broke up but she never knew of my feelings nor my PMO. My porn habit was daily and it didn't necessarily help that I avoided true porn sites and used Tumblr. Tumblr is proliferated with users reblogging porn. The links lead to more and more porny blogs. It's a bad cycle. I tried to stop it but I couldn't. After I graduated I ended up at home still alone but my habit continued as I searched for jobs. I had a lot of free time. I'd go to the gym. But after at home I'd find myself wanting to masturbate and then I'd do it and feel guilty by associating it with losing my runners high or pump from lifting. It was worse if I did it before a work out because then I wouldn't even bother going. I even sought out sexual encounters using mobile apps but could never bring myself to actually go through it and I'm glad that'd be one more thing.

Then I started a good career and I had less time but still fairly regular. Then I looked in to being in the service and I added that training program to my load and even with less time to PMO I'd still find time or a way. I'd have to take physical fitness trials and I'd panic and not PMO the night before for fear of not getting a good score. And I ended up getting accepted to a officer program (if I passed I'd be in) and six weeks of NoFap was the longest in nearly 16 years. But it was also coupled with a combination of fear, lack of energy and no sex drive. And after week seven - I got dropped for not adapting and recommended to reapply. I have not. That was the lowest I've ever felt. And I'm still embarrassed for failing so many people. And I only told a few people I was going and nobody else about what happen. I've told people I was on an extended vacation camping or something.

I came home but it was still another week until I got into my PMO phase. And then a new stressful less glamorous job and taking up smoking didn't help. I've tried to shed all of that. Despite that since then I've hit personal physical goals (run times and lift), I threw away the tobacco (dip and cigs) and I got a new job but I still can't shake one thing - PMO. I think it is a big factor in my lack of confidence. During my unsuccessful school stint I was told so many times I didn't project confidence and if I was at home I'd probably sulk and hit up PMO but there I wouldn't I'd try harder since I didn't have that distraction. Another thing is being closeted. The world is changing but I feel stigma. I know my family would still embrace me but I don't want that feeling of being different.

Anyways last Christmas I decided I need to take charge of my life. I had a business degree but I re enrolled in school to change careers and be a nurse. I've been more focused I school this time than last time. I don't want porn to take study time. I don't want masturbation to be my release from stress. I don't want unhealthy habits to continue.

Another thing is this -

I had a dream the other day that I kept chasing the love of my life and it ended in an embrace in a crowd and I can't shake it. I rarely have dreams that I remember. And it wasn't sexual but I felt this feeling of acceptance and love and I realized I can never find the one if I'm stuck addicted to PMO. It'll be just a dream.

But mostly I want to break my unhealthy cycle and give up porn and masturbation