British Moonie struggling with addiction since age 8

Alright chaps,

certaintyprinciple checking in.

I've had a very unique experience with porn. Many people find my story deeply moving. I thought I'd put it here to share with you all. I'd greatly appreciate any support.

First a little context:
My first encounter with porn was at age 8. It was my sister's 6th birthday party and I was upstairs whilst all the girls were playing downstairs. I went into my dad's room, looking for the stash of football cards I knew he kept for me. Under his bed I found stacks of porn magazines. I was thrilled - I'd never seen a pair of boobs other than Mum's before and I had definitely never seen a girl's private parts before. I promptly got my first ever erection and was understandably befuddled by this. I played around with it a bit but didn't really know how it worked.

My parents were going through some rough times then, especially as my dad had just a year or two before had his second stroke, less severe than the first, when he was in coma for a month, which left him semi-paralysed for life. My dad has had a porn problem his whole life, which has alienated him from his close friends and ultimately sabotaged his marriage.

That same day, I showed my sister what I'd found and we both went to Mum to let her know what we found. Two or three months later I was helping my dad move his stuff out the house after my Mum filled for a divorce. I naturally concluded porn caused the divorce and thus a resentment started growing deep down in me.

I've had a lot of terrible male role models in my life, one such person being a Romanian au pair my mum hired to be a kind of elder brother to my younger sister and me. One day we went out for a walk in the forest, just the two of us, when I was 9, and he showed me all the porn on his phone. I got a raging boner and confronted him, "Is that really all you've got?"

My situation is very unique as I grew up in religious community called the Unification Movement, led by Rev and Mrs Moon. I am still an active member of this community and find my faith deeply enriching, however it has made my battle with pornography very different from yours, I imagine. I was taught that pornography is a deeply spiritual issue, caused by evil spirits, which led me to accuse myself time and time again. I've lived in shame my whole life.

I've always seen porn as a thorn in my side, but only very recently, after reading "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary Wilson could I bring my struggle down to earth. Understanding that porn fundamentally hijacks my reward circuitry has made it easier to forgive myself for my past actions and understand all the crazy phenomena that happen when I'm trying to quit.

I've had several big streaks over the past years, but ultimately I always capitulate after 5 or 6 months. I went 9 months clean from January 2017 but since September it's been a major struggle. At present I'm 18 days clean, but I've never felt so grounded, able to tackle my addiction realistically with practical methods, not just prayer.

In my faith we are "matched" to our spouse with our parents' support. It's not arranged marriage, as I ultimately have the final choice to accept the marriage, rather my parents and myself look for someone together. As such I'm a virgin and I've never dated a girl in my life, and I'm happy I made the choice. However my porn struggle, and seeing how my dad's problems tore apart his marriage, leave me terrified of hurting my match. In 2018 I'm determined to forgive myself and work on myself to become the best husband possible for that special girl.

High points:
- Running support groups for under 18s struggling with porn/masturbation in my community
- Giving sermons to younger peers

Low points:
- Sleepless nights watching porn when I was 16
- Betraying my sister's and mum's trust countless times
- Masturbating to porn on my sister's birthday, Christmas eve, masturbating to a picture of a close friend, masturbating imagining my best mate's sister

I tend to focus on my failings a lot more than my achievements. I honestly am a very proactive person but I just never feel satisfied with myself.

Anyway, please feel free to ask me more about my experience with porn, about my dad, about my faith or anything.

Thank you, fight the good fight