I should probably elaborate. For the longest time, I didn't want to accept the label of "addict".... part of it (I think this is 100% honesty) was I felt totally responsbile -- and labeling it "addiction", to me, felt like a cop out / like I was giving myself a pass.
here is an interesting article i read on covenant eyes. it makes you kind of go hmm to the whole cheating thing and why its hard to forgive http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/01/19/using-porn-is-cheating/
Completely agree! To his question of why wives suffer for the PMO addiction but wouldn't be able to stand their husband physically cheating. I think the SO can stay because it's addiction and not a fully conscious choice after years of addiction. Cheating is a conscious "fuck you" to the SO whereas PMO addiction is that, an addiction. For instance, when my husband PMOed he wasn't thinking, "fuck this relationship I am getting my needs elsewhere because my SO isn't enough" he was thinking, "I'm stressed/depressed and want to forget, how do I forget? PMO! Shit, I'm going to hurt Anna.... but I don't know how to get this depression away unless I O" It's about intent and brain chemistry. Cheating is 100% a choice that a person makes. Addiction isn't an addicts choice after a while (especially if they aren't aware they are addicted and don't know how to stop). Is that a better explanation? And about forgiveness, I think it's the same. Cheating is a choice, much harder to forgive. An addiction (if the addict takes responsibility and is active in recovery) can be forgiven with real change. Does that make sense?
This is the article that made my husband realize he was cheating with PMO, best article to explain it!
I am totally over that now....I do feel like I am addicted / (was addicted?) to PMing -- but I still accept and take 100% of the blame......I don't think the addiction forced me. (or did it..and I'm just ignorant?!?!?!) See what you did @AnonymousAnnaXOXO
That’s a great article I have read it a few times. For me, porn hands down did become cheating. I don’t know if @NF4L has ever come accross it or not.
Do you know the neuropsychology of addiction? I was trying to explain that without all the psych terms. Have you checked out Yourbrainonporn, I know they explain the psychology of addiction over there. A quick explanation though, you have chemicals in your brain, and depending on the age you start at (adolescence is a very impressionable age) you can be at higher risk for addiction. When you use something to self soothe the neurotransmitters are fired and a pathway is created, and the more you use the same thing to soothe (whether PMO, eating, restricting, cutting, etc.) the more that pathway is strengthened. So after years and years of a pathway being strengthened it's second nature to go to that self soothing method so the 100% choice has been taken away by the brain chemistry process in your brain. It's still your choice, but it's a much harder choice to make. So, yes you are still responsible (you could have reached out, taken measures to not use that behavior, gotten into therapy, etc.) since you used that behavior. Just because you're addicted doesn't mean you aren't responsible, it just means it's a harder choice to make and fight when the urge hits. Make sense???
This right there! I truly believe that putting it all on the addiction is side stepping the personal accountability. I have definitely seen some of that.
Addressing two things here in my response. I want to answer the question written as the title of this thread first. My answer is this: We can try to forgive. We can try so hard that we lose ourselves in it. We can become so entrenched in this problem that we didn't ask for, that we begin to obsess and question our relationships to the point of wondering whether or not our partner even loves us. We try to understand that this is an addiction. But it's simply not logical for us that our partners would choose to release/spend sexual energy on things other than us, their partners. This is why some of us see it as cheating. Especially if it's stated as a boundary/deal breaker at the beginning of the relationship. Second thing: Personally I see it as cheating because my partner hid it from me and lied to me in order to keep his ability to do it. My guideline is and has always been, that if you need to hide it from me or anyone, you shouldn't be doing it, and it is therefore cheating me out of the relationship I thought I had. A relationship free of secrets and false promises.
Neuroscience article @TryingHard2Change : http://neurosciencenews.com/psychology-addiction-triggers-neuroimaging-1179/
I think the lines between cheating and addiction are much more blurred than we understand considering sex addiction vs. PMO addiction (which also seem to overlap in many cases). In other words, - PMO could be either "I don't care about this relationship" or "I don't know how to handle life without this" - Adultery, when presented with the opportunity (which is not as easy as PMO), could also be either "I don't care about this relationship" or "I don't know how to handle life without this" All depends on the person and their state of mind at the moment of the act, as well as their environment and what choices are presented to them at the right or wrong times.
@darknight Tue. I was just using my own experience as an example. I've read of PA's using their addiction to get revenge on their partners. But most addictions stem from deeper personal issues and the person hasn't learned to cope in life without using. (with addiction though, the brain chemistry is influencing decisions/making it more difficult to choose) With cheating, usually, the individual hasn't developed sufficient communication skills and also may suffer from low self-esteem and finds cheating easier than dealing with whatever is perceived to be wrong or lacking in their own relationship (so again faulty coping skills but not an addiction. Their brain isn't "damaged" by their brain being rewired from addiction) I was just merely saying there is a difference in the brain chemistry of those with addictions and those who are just choosing to cheat (with no addictions in their life)
I wonder how many adulteries also coincided with singnificant amounts of PMO (even to "addiction" levels). We may never be able to separate the two since it's becoming almost statistically impossible to find a sample of men who do not view porn on a regular basis (assuming they are being truthful).
I look at it this way. Betrayal is betrayal. (I use the word "you" in a collective sense.) It doesn't matter if you are actually touching a real person or if you are touching yourself while looking at a real person. Splitting hairs as to if you are jacking off to a nameless face vs. your sister-in-law or co-worker or neighbor is merely rationalizing. And what addict hasn't fantasized about someone they know? It is all one and the same. Your eyes and your thoughts are on someone else other than your spouse. You have broken your vows.
I make no differentiation. What determines how or if we move forward is what he is willing to do to repair the damage his actions have caused.
