This is a very long post. Stay with me though, I have a point to make: So, I’ve been struggling with porn for a very long time. I was exposed to 70’s porn when I was just 10 yrs old. It sparked a fascination. I was overstimulated. In a pile of non porn magazines I’d look for the porn, just hoping to see those glossy pics and skin. Sometimes that worked out and I’d score some mag porn. Mag porn has that clay paper smell, contributing to the out of ordinary experience. I’d see throw away porn and jump in the dumpster to retrieve. It didn’t matter if it was wet and stuck together. I’d still want to see what I could see. Early in my fascination my brother and I kept a stash of torn pages, clippings and a few mags hidden in our closet. My mother caught a friend and I in the bathroom (the only room I knew where I could lock the door). We were bug eyed looking when Mom knocks on the door and asks what we are doing and to unlock the door. Of course I was caught red handed. I put the mags under the sink as friend opened the door and ran like hell to get out of there. Mom just walked over to the sink and pulled the porn from the cabinet. She held up a playboy mag center fold and asked what I was doing with this. I turned away but saw the image again in the bathroom mirror. I had no good answer. I still remember that image vividly. Burned into my memory. I couldn’t escape. I was humiliated. I was grounded to my room until my dad returned home. I spent the next four hours obsessing about what would happen when Dad arrived. When he arrived I was called down and Mom hovering over Dad expecting him to do something - he just said go outside and play. I admit I got off easy but that experience with all the shame and guilt became part of the addiction cycle. Is this making sense? Of course it is. From 10 yrs old on, I became overtaken by the neurobiological response to porn’s overstimulation effect but also internalized guilt and shame about using porn. It was a cycle of uncontrollable porn use with guilt and shame following. My inner critic just beat myself emotionally with every porn use. I bought mags, rented VHS and felt guilty and shameful at the checkout when I had to pay. By default someone always knew I was looking at Porn and masturbating even if it was only the cashier at a bookstore who, presumably, would be more accepting and no guilt tripping. That didn’t seem to matter. It was guilt and shamed totally attached to porn. If Mag and VHS porn was over stimulating for me as a young man internet porn became Super Stimulating for me when I logged on in the 1990’s. So I guess I need to make my point: so many times I wondered how I would respond if a girlfriend or potential girlfriend asked If I used porn. Some women might ask these question, I thought, since I’ve been carrying this guilt and shame for years. So that’s it: Can I answer honestly by saying “yes I have used porn but not anymore. It’s poison”...and that, folks, is why I am here. If ever that question comes up, I want to be able to answer truthfully and with personal integrity. That I am living a healthy Happy life without porn. And thank God I found my way here. Thank You NoFap. I am 2 months without porn and just started a 90 day reboot. I want it this time. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life!
Hey Matt, Welcome! Thanks for sharing and being so honest! I hope you find the support you need here, we're all working on this together! G
Hello and welcome! We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started. Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button | Day Counter | Rebooting Resources | Forum Rules | Glossary If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
