Completely lost

I tried to abstain from PMO, actually from P and M and O.

My goal was 14 days, but after 7, I cannot pick it up again. And that goes now for almost three weeks.

Those seven days were amazing. Head cleared up after two days, energy boost, optimism, willingness to do things. My girlfriend was not making it easy for me with a near break-up situation..., but abstaining P helped me to go through it with inner strength and patience.

After couple of days strong urges arose, I was more energetic around women but resisted temptations, however I caught myself looking and sites with hookers' profiles (even though mostly dressed) fantasizing about having sex with them. That lead to edging, which lead to P M and finally PMO. Since then I was not able to do two clean days straight. But, more importantly, the frustration is immense, circling, not able to do my job at all. I could not look at my ticker again. On average I relapse one to three times a day...

I am still seeing my girlfriend, we do things, go places, spend a nice time together, however, she is a strongly devoted catholic. Even though she is 27, she has a very strict sets of rules about how I can hold her and where I can kiss her. Essentially, everything beyond holding hands became a source of conflict. So we decided to not have any kind of physical contact between each other.

Many of guys here go from PMO to healthy and rich lives with their spouses and girlfriends. For me, a strict celibacy lies ahead for a foreseeable future. And this adds to the frustration. Having to stop a bad habit and not being able to develop a healthy relationship that is "just at the doors". I do not need to sleep with her straight away, but after three months some sort of mutual intimacy would be expected.

Don't know what to do, but most importantly, do not know how to break my porn cycle. Which I still want to do, although it seems nothing good lies ahead of me. Any kind of sensuality is crossing the borders with her, so it is less frustrating just to PMO and not put her under any pressure.

She is a healthy girl, open for discussions, admits masturbating occasionally. She says she does not want to sleep near me because then she might not resist... WTF.

Every direction I move I get my fingers snapped.

Any word is greatly appreciated.

 

Hi, thanks!

Revisiting my reasons to quit porn with pen and paper I guess would make a difference! Thanks for the tip! I never keep porn on my computer, if I ever download something, I will always erase everything at the end of session by which I try to ease out the feel of extreme guilt.

Blocks won't work for me. Tried couple, only lead me to inventing websites that are not covered by them (and believe me, there are many). I doubt they can be effective even for a baby kid (with 'good' classmates offering a hint). I only hope that before I'll get my own kids these things will improve :-(

I just don't understand why I cannot stop myself. Why I have lost all my will and traded my life for something so empty. Why I have lost most of my empathy to the opposite text and if I will ever be able to love the real person again... Why every empty moment, or tiny difficulty while doing something, instantaneously draws me to porn.

And even when I fight it, and when I am with the girl I love, with clear head and burning heart after couple straight days, any hint of passion (clothed!) leads to an argument and frustration. So then, even with all reasons to quit PMO, I have to face it again - what's the point?