Currently in a relationship that has been crippled by porn and lying

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 88k, Nov 1, 2019.

  1. 88k

    88k Fapstronaut

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    My girlfriend is nothing but fucking gold to me, she is an angel. She does nothing but stands by my side even when I show no motivation to push forward.

    We are on the roughest terms we have ever been on right now. Yes, I have blocked porn out of my life, but I am still having issues with my lying. I spent a lot of time researching today, something I rarely ever do at all. I spent time looking at causes, and ways to end it. After all of this, my girlfriend saw the smallest sliver of hope in me and gave me the chance to do things correctly, stop my lying, stick with nofap and continue to push forward with these changes I have chosen. Within the first 3 minutes, I had lied to her, I was so angry with myself. I lied and showed so much attitude against her. I pushed her away and shown no gratefulness for her return. I threw everything I had just taken in out of the window, ignoring how I was actually feeling and instead of taking the bypass yet again. At this point, she has blocked me everywhere and says she wants nothing to do with me even if I manage to pull through a reboot and several other changes with my lifestyle. I am still so angry at myself for consciously lying and then still being in denial after she come back. She had to dig the truth out of me, and it hurt, it hurt when I realized and took in what I had done, again. I continued to be my former self.
    I have yet to be able to contact her and do not know what to say if I ever do get the chance of contacting her. I miss her dearly, but still cannot stop me lying after motivating and researching for myself. It hurts me so much.

    Today in the shower I got an extreme rush of urges, I was rewarding myself with a full hot shower without ending it with a cold shower for 2 minutes. I have fought off any urges by keeping myself busy and active. (I'm monk mode btw). I got such a big rush of urges out of nowhere. I instantly sighed and turned on the cold water for it to freeze me, I got out of the shower feeling like I had relapsed when I hadn't I had no lusting thoughts nor even touched myself in that area, I even avoided cleaning for today to stop accidentally stimulating myself. I have been told by people in a support discord that I did not relapse, but I have the sinking feeling in my stomach and the anger at myself for getting the strong urges. I feel like I failed when I didn't and I chose to count it as a relapse because it is something I didn't want.

    My questions are,
    Why did I continue to lie even after confronting myself, and showing myself what the right thing is to do?
    And why do I feel as if I relapsed when I didn't even touch that area of my body. It makes me feel sick that I got the urges, I feel like I genuinely lost all the progress I made. I am only early into my journey, but I see failure as no option for myself. I cannot fail for myself or my relationship.

    Thank you for taking the time and reading my post. I hope someone can insight me into what is wrong with myself because even I can't understand this one.
    -James/88#1864
     
    skullbush likes this.
  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you are in a bad place. Well done for reaching out.
    Habits happen without conscious thought, that is what makes them habits. They take a while and effort to break. Maybe you lied because you are in the habit of lying. Research into breaking habits might help.
    It sounds like you are being massively hard on yourself. I would suggest some self compassion. Treat yourself like your own best friend. Support yourself, encourage yourself, and pick yourself up when the challenges are hard. There is nothing 'wrong' with you. Feeling like you relapsed is maybe a symptom of the very high standards you are setting yourself.
    You say your girlfriend does nothing but stands by your side? But not anymore, she has blocked you everywhere and doesn't want anything to do with you even if you get better? So whatever happens it sounds like you need to be doing this for yourself, forgive yourself and try to move forward with your plans. If she comes back is up to her, all you can do is decide the kind of person you want to be and work towards that.
     
    88k likes this.
  3. Koalabear

    Koalabear Fapstronaut

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    There is an app on play store called "reboot" it really has helped me I dont no if it is on iPhone it might be worth checking out. My fiance and I have separated and got back together time and time again. We are together now but it is still a struggle every day. You really have to do this for your self. You might also want to check out affair recovery with Rick Reynolds. They also have a youtube channel that could be helpful for you.
     

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