Dating someone, but I feel like it's slowing my recovery

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Capt. U, Mar 12, 2019.

Has dating while recovering been beneficial or a setback for you?

  1. Beneficial

    57.1%
  2. Setback

    42.9%
  1. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    I have read a few times that porn addiction can easily turn into sex addiction. I have noticed a few posts on here saying that some people are nervous or concerned on how to handle sex while rebooting. I just relapsed after almost achieving two weeks of porn sobriety, here is an examination of what happened before the relapse.

    So I met this girl on OkCupid (my preferable dating site) and we have managed to go on a 3 dates since we meet 2 weeks ago. I find her moderately attractive on both her personality and looks. But as we continue to go out it feels like she is growing on me, so that's a decent sign. I try to keep the sex talk on the low but last time we hanged, I couldn't help me self since I have started to fantasize about her. Normally this would be cool, but now during recovery I sometimes just want to fuck her and be on my way. This isn't cool. The day after meeting up, I felt overwhelmed with sexual images going through my head. Compulsively I went to my Playstation (which has not porn filters), checked to see that no one was home and proceeded to binge.

    My therapist is not too on board with me dating at the moment, but I decided to give it a shot because,
    a) I enjoy going on dates and hanging out with a woman
    b) I want to polish my "dating social skills"
    c) Opportunity for healthy sex
    d) I want to fully move on since I still think about my ex from time to time.

    But I will be honest it has proven to be difficult on a new level, I'm trying to take it slow but when we flirt I tend to feel very sexually stimulated and when I don't see her sometimes I tend to play sex scenes in my head.

    We have not had sex yet, but I feel like I get mixed feelings from within Part of me knows wants to not date at all and just to end the relationship, part of me wants to continue to give dating a shot and the old me just wants to smash n' dash.

    In short, if the whole situation with dating brings me to feel too sexually compulsive. I'm going to have to end it with her.

    What do you guys think?
     
  2. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    You can hang out with women without it being a sexual or romantic thing. It sounds like that might be difficult for you right now, so maybe that's something worth thinking about.

    Your dating social skills aren't going to go away, dude. You're a human being, and you'll find the confidence and words you need when the right time comes along.

    In my experience, healthy sex didn't quicken my recovery. Indeed, healthy sex is... well, it's healthy. However, you don't need it to survive like you need food and water. In all likelihood, you will probably have sex again at some point. There's no need to rush into it right now.

    This one is really the nail in the coffin for me. I just ended a three-year relationship a few days ago. Of course, dating new people has been on my mind frequently. However, the more I process my thoughts, the more that I realize that I'm definitely not ready to date yet. My wounds from my relationship ending are very fresh, and I feel that a lot of what makes dating again sound attractive is that it would immediately soothe some of that pain (it would soothe the loneliness, the lack of feminine connection, the unsatisfied sexual desire, and other things I'm missing). The more I think about that, the more I realize how unfair that would be to my potential date(s). If I put myself in their own shoes, it doesn't really seem fair. I wouldn't want someone to go on a date with me just because they were trying to fill the gaps left by their previous relationship. I want to date women because I like them for who they are, and I just don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I don't know when I will be, but I know I'll get there eventually and, honestly, I'm not really rushing to get there. This healing process is important for me to go through as an individual. It's going to take some time, and that's okay. I know I'll be ready to date again at some point, and I'll know when I get there.

    I've been careful to keep all of that story contained to my own experiences and perspective, since I don't know all the details of your own situation. My final piece of advice is that you might want to think about whether or not you're really ready for dating right now. I know I'm not, even if some of it sounds really nice.
     
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  3. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    I feel ya on the needing time to heal part, ot's been almost 7 months since I broke up with my ex so you would think I would have fully moved on by now.

    I've been testing the waters of dating during a reboot for me and have decided that I need an even longer break than anticipated. I just told the girl I was dating that I just want to be friends with her, so I'll see how that plays out. I also temporarily deleted all social and dating apps so it can be easier to recover.
     
  4. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    The grieving process is different for everyone, and it's different for every relationship as well. After my first serious relationship ended, it took me about a year before I was ready to start dating again. After my second serious relationship ended, it took me only a couple months before I was ready again. Just remember that there's no need to rush these things. It's important to feel everything that comes up and not to gloss over it or bury it.

    That's very mature of you. Not only are you looking out for yourself, but it sounds like you're also taking your potential date's position into consideration as well. Just do what you need to do to heal and move on. I wish I could tell you when that will be, but the truth is that you'll just have to answer yourself whether or not you're ready to begin dating again.
     
  5. Skins23

    Skins23 Fapstronaut

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  6. Skins23

    Skins23 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, thanks for sharing your current experiences with dating. Have you thought about a non sexual relationship with her at least for time being? I find that when I take this route not only is it much less triggering I can also develop or focus on the non sexual intimacy which for me is underdeveloped due to the internet. Just a thought..
     
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  7. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    I thought about it briefly but to be honest I'm not really into her. I asked her if she justs to be friends which I guess kind of surprised her (since we went on like 3 dates) she still sends me some texts. If we can work this friendship thing out theb cool.

    But as far as me dating other women with no sex involved, I'm just not there yet. So I will be abstaining from sex and dating in general, just so I can focus on other tasks like getting a better job and taking my workouts to the next level.
     
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  8. Marik757

    Marik757 Fapstronaut

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    I'd rather have an sex addiction vs. An porn addiction...
     
  9. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    Lol, I hear ya man. They are both a pain in the ass to deal with though.
     
  10. there is no such thing as sex addiction in my world.
     
  11. QuietKarma

    QuietKarma Fapstronaut

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    You can keep dating her if you get rid of the playstation. That is the thing that facilitated your relapse, not the girl.

    hard reality bro.
     
  12. Dag

    Dag Fapstronaut

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    I experience the same.

    I tend to get scenarios playing on my head, but then I remember there is no woman around, and that it is artificial stimulation.

    I think we can date girls, but have to be in control of our thoughts. Get aroused and horny only AROUND them.

    We have to train ourselves into that.

    I have not have sex during this NoFap period (I am on day 11).
    But if I get to have it I will probably try to do karezza.
     
  13. Nuihere

    Nuihere Fapstronaut

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    Personnaly, having sex helped me reduce drastically P and M.
    Give it a shot. It won't harm you even if the relationship turn out to be unhealthy.

    But i'm sure everything will be fine :)
     

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